Mr. Prep-tard

Do you all remember when Smirnoff put out that awesome music video to advertise their raw teas?  If you haven’t, it contains vital information to appreciate this post, so click here or on the screen shot below.

And we keeps it real, the old-money way...

I would like to share my recent encounter with that stereotypical prep-tard that we all love to hate…

The quintessential prep-tard.

Earlier this week, I attended an alumni happy hour event.  Even though many of you are picturing a lame gathering of socially inept Ivy-leaguers sporting popped collars, v-neck cashmere jumpers and snotty attitudes, I generally meet some great people at these functions.  In fact, I was telling someone the other day how I was so surprised to have gone so long without meeting a bona fide douchetard at one of these things.

I spoke too soon.

On Thursday night, I found myself attempting to dialogue with exactly such a douche.

Crimson polo shirt, popped collar, soppy side-part.  Basically, this guy here.

When I first saw him, I really did want to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I’m trying to be less judgmental, dammit.

But then he started speaking.

Mr. Prep-tard – “So, were you at Harvard?”

Man-shopper – “Yup.”

Mr. Prep-tard – “So which school were you at?  The Business School?”

Man-shopper – “No, undergraduate.”

Mr. Prep-tard – “Well, we can’t all be perfect.”

Man-shopper’s brain – “Douche.”

Man-shopper’s mouth – “Ha. Ha.”

Mr. Prep-tard – “So what do you do in Paris?”

Man-shopper’s brain – “OK, maybe he just had a brain fart.  Maybe he’s perfectly nice after all.”

Man-shopper’s mouth – “I work for a foundation for the social sciences.”

Mr. Prep-tard – “Wow, that’s a whole load of bullshit.”

Man-shopper’s brain – “I guess it wasn’t a brain fart…”

Man-shopper’s mouth – “Ha. Ha.”

Mr. Prep-tard – “So tell me, what are your accomplishments?”

Man-shopper’s brain – “What.  The.  Fuck.”

Man-shopper’s mouth – “Uhhhh…  So shall I start reciting my CV for you?”

Mr. Prep-tard – “I’m serious.”

Man-shopper’s brain – “I’m too sober for this shit.”

Man-shopper’s mouth – “Well, the highlight of my life… I was Johnson & Johnson Baby of the Year back in the day.  It was all downhill from there.”

We sail yachts, and we ride on horses...

Mr. Prep-tard – “…”

But here’s the kicker… Prep-tard wasn’t from Connecticut.

Prep-tard was FRENCH.

He was a full-fledged, fully-accented prepster-wannabe POSER.

Or poseur, if you will.

Thank god Mr. Prep-tard wasn’t trying to hit on me or anything.  But if my encounter with him was any indication of his courtship skills, I truly hope that his future lady-targets know enough to say it with me…

…Next!

34 Comments

Filed under Misters

34 responses to “Mr. Prep-tard

  1. Well, qualifying that nothing can ever rival the douchiness of Mr Dim Sum….

    Argh! What are your accomplishments?! Dude, seriously? I would have dared you to say MRS degree with a side of piano and water colors.

    So he had an American accent? Fo’ reals? I see a future GhB-spiker in the making.

    • Man, that MRS degree comment would have been a phenomenal retort. Dammit, I need to have you piped into some sort of in-ear spy communication device so that I’ll always have a witty comeback for these fools.

      His American was pretty good. He still spoke with the signature French inflection, but it’s easy to overlook when his douchiness is so overwhelming.

  2. SMH. I really wonder if men think they sound cool when they spew this crap. And if there are women who actually like it. Blows my mind.

    • There must be some women who like it, otherwise why would men continue to spew this kind of stuff? Unless they are insane, of course, which is a distinct possibility…

  3. Izzie

    Hey! Jordan initiated me to this blog, and after lurking around (or should I say hovering around) for weeks, I’ve finally gathered up enough courage to comment — and also sadly, prove part 6 of your comprehensive theory on hovercrafts. Just wanted to say that I love your blog and I am also an enthusiast of conjugating other words with “tard”, for example, “rock-tard”. So thank you for enhancing my vocabulary with “prep-tard” and “douche-tard”. :) Having gone to Ivy myself, I fully sympathize with your experience.

    • Happy to have you hovering about, Izzie! I hope that you stick around. You are one of the lucky few who has managed to dodge Step 7 of The Hover, since I’m not going to mercilessly shut you down :)

      I’m intrigued by “rock-tard”… what are a rock-tard’s distinguishing characteristics?

      • Izzie

        “rock-tard” is basically a combination of “dumb-as-a-rock” and “retarded”, it is to emphasize the complete lack of human intelligence.

  4. Lifebeginsat30ty

    Hahaha Rick-tard. I have a similiar one: Fucktard. As in Fucking Retard. But this only applies to one man in particular;)

  5. Ben

    Excellent post, but that Smirnoff video will haunt me until I’m cryogenically unfrozen. I expect to dream of that throughout. Curse you for that. I will now try to gently cry myself to sleep.

  6. Kelly Seal

    I have no words for Preptard. All I can say is he’d be a great guest on Real Housewives of New York. Those bitches like their Preptards. Or should I say used car salesmen? Kinda the same.

  7. Alex

    If you appreciated this, I highly recommend you point your little BitTorrenting self towards the CW show “High Society.”

    You can thank me later.

  8. I think that if anyone asked me my accomplishments with a straight face outside of a job interview, I’d reply that I’m told that my apple flapjacks are quite good…

    • Great idea…

      Apple flapjacks? Now THAT’s the way to a woman’s heart! Now that I think about it, I don’t think that I’ve seen flapjacks here…

      • That may be because apple flapjacks are a sort of home-spun invention…

      • I actually prefer your British flapjacks to our American ones. They sustained me during my days locked up in the British Library. Export your apple flapjacks to this side of the channel! I’ll probably end up buying up the lot of them.

      • Why don’t you just make them…?

      • Note to self: never live in France.

      • I wonder how my life would have been different if I had left that note to myself four years ago…

      • 1. Oven in my current apartment dates back to the Pharaonic era… Only good for making toast.

        2. I’d have to sacrifice a virgin to find golden syrup or molasses in this town. If I’m going to pay ten euros for a few dabs of the stuff, I might as well hop on the Eurostar! And don’t even get me started on the brown sugar dilemma.

  9. I can’t believe I’ve never seen that video! It was great. I’m an original New Englander, but I’m definately from the other side of the tracks.
    As for the Prep-tard, next indeed. I’m sure where you “ha ha-ed” I would have had a more colorful vocabulary.

  10. Wow. It’s such a shame that some trends/bad habits are actually international phenomenons.
    Sorry you had to deal with that BS in France.

    RE the video. Thanks for sharing. I don’t believe that commercial ever aired above the 49th parallel.

    My fave line:

    “Shout out to my Homies on lock for insider training.”

    Madness.

    • For some reason, the line that had me in stitches when I first watched it was at the end:

      “And we’ll send a thank you note… IN CURSIVE.”

      • weird…I totally just posted the video on my facebook and in the subject line put “we’ll send a thank you note…In Cursive”…great minds (not that we came up with it but that’s just semantics)

  11. I’m not sure what was more amazing…that video…or the conversation…but I don’t know how you managed not to laugh in his face…lol turns out you are perfect!

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