Ms. Scorned Woman

I have recently teamed up with Alex of the Urban DaterAV FloxFeisty WomanJess DowneyKB in NYCLenaLucky GirlMike MastersMiss Melisa MaeNikki BSimone GrantMiss Taylor CastTotally Tyler, and Jackie Summers in virtual project that has been dubbed the #InsomniaClub.

From now on, once a month, we will take one question, theme or prompt and post our thoughts on it.  Follow the hashtag on twitter to get different points of view, receive some advice, join in the debate, or just for chuckles.

I’ll be honest with you, you’re very unlikely to find much useful insight from me, but I can guarantee some rambling, some borderline-offensive generalizations about parisians, some self-deprecation, some ranting, and maybe some original drawings if I fancy it.

You know, my usual stuff.

But for those of you who stumble upon my blog but are looking for some substance, I am happy to say that I can now refer you to the club members above!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This month’s topic is a hypothetical situation in which one discovers that one’s significant other keeps an active profile on an online dating site.

Well, if I were seeing him casually, I’d probably let it go.  If I were in a serious relationship, I’d take it as a sign that I should get out of said relationship.  Anything in between, I can’t say that I’ve even the foggiest idea about my reaction.  If he were French, I’d…  HAHAHA… Man-shopper?  Dating a Frenchman?  <insert cynical laughter here>

In any case, these responses contribute nothing to the debate on the topic.

Frankly, I don’t really know what I would do, but I have a few thoughts about what I could do, which is ultimately much more interesting.

  • I could punch him in the nuts.

  • I could put dog poop in his shoes.
  • I could dognap his dog.  I love dogs.
  • I could drug him and tattoo RAT BASTARD on his ass.
  • I could call his mother and tell on him.
  • I could smash up his computer and then leave the “X” key in his bed in true Godfather style.

The possibilities are endless.

What do you think of the following series of events?

  1. I call up a computer geek friend.
  2. Geekster and I hack into his account.
  3. I replace his profile with something of my own creation.

What would I put in his dating profile?  Obviously, it would have to be something to sabotage his chances of success.

This is when I pull out…

… THE LIST.

The list of things that my friend, Ryan (the Wandering Menace), has forbidden me from talking about on a first date — the things that she assures me will likely cause the guy to back away slowly or, in the extreme case, to run for the hills.

Of course, I will share this list with you because I have no shame.

  • schrodinger’s equations
  • my dad’s gun collection
  • vintage video games
  • vintage computer games
  • star trek
  • vomiting
  • sock monogamy
  • crosswording
  • scrabble
  • the 3 M’s: menstruation, mucus, and Mythbusters

Ryan may have a point.

P.S.   I told you so.  See?  Rambling.  About nothing in particular.

12 Comments

Filed under Misses

12 responses to “Ms. Scorned Woman

  1. Well I’m glad to see you remember most of the list. Very impressed Shopper. Though I can’t believe you forgot to include your sock-pairing habits. :)

    For the record, I have never claimed that the topic of Catholic School would make the boys back away from you…
    I maintain that this particular topic will cause their eyes to glaze over, picturing you in any variety of situations involving the uniform, only to reappear in the conversation minutes later and wonder how you’ve landed on the topic of vomit.

    I love our lists.

    • I forgot about the sock thing! I will add it straightaway.

      Maybe that’s what I meant instead of catholic school… socks… knee socks… catholic school… and I probably just got all mixed up and put the wrong thing down.

      We’ve made quite a few lists together in our time. We should make more lists.

      • Jo

        Is sock monogamy the act of not wearing two different socks at once? Because if you do your feet are dirty whores who will go inside anything? Please elaborate.

  2. Manshoppers sock fascination is really incredible.

    R.E.A.L.L.Y.
    I discovered it when I told her about a guy I saw on TV who buys packets of socks and labels them individually. For example, if he buys a packet of seven pairs of socks, he takes a sharpie, and labels them 1-7. In addition, since there are two socks to every pair, he labels them according to his feet.
    So he ends up with socks 1R & 1L (as in right and left-pair 1).
    He does this so to ensure that he is always wearing socks on the same feet, and that the pair are always the same pair as originally intended by the packaging.
    I found this absurd, so I was explaining it to Shopper.
    She did not find it absurd.
    She found it genius and thus came forth a loooooong explanation of her own sock-pairing habits.

    Somewhere mid-sentence she caught me staring at her.
    She stopped explaining, suddenly dawning on her that I had been making fun of the guy-not applauding him.
    Then there was silence.
    Then laughter.
    Then she blurted out:
    “ok, I assume now you’re going to make me add this to the list”

    After that I’m pretty sure we decided to start mixing cocktails and eating burritos. So it ended well. :)

  3. I just spent the fast 10 minutes or so Googling “sock monogamy”…..I wonder if that factoid makes me or any man less or more sexy in the eyes of women everywhere. I’m guessing it depends on a given woman’s sock pairing habits. Clearly I’ve already spent too much time thinking about this. But thanks, you’ve given me, a man prone to paralysis through analysis, something else to obsess about.

  4. Right.

    I like the “X” key idea. Pretty badass.

    And if you hacked into his account, wouldn’t it more fun to fuck it up royally but never say anything? Just sort of a “I’m always watching you” creepy look. That’d keep me in line.

    And what’s up with your list? Pretty much everything on it is badass and fair game. You’ve been first-dating the wrong guys.

    Caleb

    PS New post up- go read it IMMEDIATELY.

    • I was pretty proud of myself about the computer smashing. And you’re right about the hack-and-silent-treatment approach. Very creepy. Very satisfying.

      I like the way you think.

  5. Hee hee hee!

    So many of us took this topic seriously – love your funny response! :D

  6. Pingback: Secret online profiles? Not that simple. « Women Are From Mars

  7. Kojio

    I saw that list of forbidden things and i think i will not have any problem talking about them in a first date, i mean, it would be really great if a girl doesn’t talk just about retarded, ilogical and extremely soporific ideas.

    Maybe i didn’t have a successful first date in my life just because that way of thinking but.. fuck it knowing there are girls who like to talk about that kind of things on firsts dates, inspires me to keep trying to find a interesting girl (for me!).

    So, don’t stop trying, maybe someone laughs if you tell him you’ll like to see how a blackhole absorbs the earth by the inside while you’re watching it from the moon :)

  8. Cy

    So what kind of guns does your dad have?

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