Ms. Man-shopper in Boozetown

Part of being an adult is having adult problems and solving them with adult solutions.  In other words, I am here to write about…

… alcohol.

I posit that alcohol is a key component to any man-shopping operation.

I cite the following reasons:

Doing away with inhibitions and sound decision-making is essential to coping with an interlocutor who is unattractive, boring, or generally repulsive in some way.  In the long run, it’s better to be civil, but sobriety makes this very difficult.

  • Sober Man-shopper : Bugger off before I rip your face off and use it as a cape.
  • Drunky Man-shopper : Oh heeeeeeeeey, fancy seeing you here.  How’s it going?  Having a good time?  You like my dress, aw shucks, oh how nice of you to say!

It’s nice to have something to do with your hands.  It’s the difference between descending into irredeemable dorkitude and actually passing for a normal human being who may even appear to have some semblance of man-shopping mojo.

  • Sober Man-shopper : < arms flailing about uncontrollably, sometimes hitting people in the face >
  • Drunky Man-shopper : < clutching glass, sipping demurely, and sometimes peeking over it and pretending to bat eyelashes >

Sometimes we would all like a way to pretend like something never happened.

  • Sober Man-shopper : Oh god.  That guy last night at McDonald’s.  He looked like a troll that was hit by a truck and then backed over by a cement roller.  He smelled like a petting zoo.  I’m not entirely sure he was even simian.  And HE TOUCHED MY ARM.  GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF.
  • Drunky Man-shopper : I don’t remember anything after paying for my chicken nuggets.

Man-shopping is a risky business, and we all know how easy it is to get burned.  And it’s disturbing how easy it is to not just get burned, but to get effing incinerated.  So if you’re anything like me, we don’t like to deal with our shit in a productive kind of way.  Alcohol to the rescue!

  • Sober Man-shopper : Sob. Sob. Sob.  Uncontrollable weeping.  I hate myself, and I would like to die now please.  My heart is exploding.  But I luuuuuuuurve him.  I am a fat cow, no wonder he discarded me like day-old bread.
  • Drunky Man-shopper : I am a goddess, and it’s his loss, dammit.  Leaping lobsters, I look phenomenal in this new lingerie, and he’s NEVER GONNA SEE IT.  Dance it out, girl.  Dance it out to Britney in your bedroom….  < static… >

Alcohol = courage.

  • Sober Man-shopper : < Silent and cowering in the corner of the room >
  • Drunky Man-shopper : Helloooo, sir, you are very handsome.  May I touch your biceps?

Sometimes competition over a coveted male can get a little heated.  Alcohol can sometimes save you heaps of money that would otherwise have been spent on legal representation after getting charged with assault.

  • Sober Man-shopper : That bitch just said WHAT?!  I WILL DESTROY HER.  HE IS MINE.
  • Drunky Man-shopper : Aw, she didn’t mean it.  She’s just jealous of my awesome shoes.  Who is this guy again?  Ooo, is that guacamole I see?  I LOVE PUPPIES!

Alcohol = mad skills.  We all need skills to have an edge over the competition, right?

  • Sober Man-shopper : I can’t dance to save my life.  I also can’t speak any language but English and a smattering of Pig Latin.
  • Drunky Man-shopper : I AM A BALLROOM CHAMPION.  I AM FLUENT IN CROATIAN AND FINNISH.  RAWR, BITCHES!

All that aside, however, as I try to pick my face up off the floor from yesterday’s hangover, perhaps you all should ignore everything that I have to say.

Happy man-shopping.  Don’t forget to hydrate.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This post has been brought to you by The Insomnia Club.  This edition was to take its inspiration from the image above.  Check out what my compatriots have to say on Natalie Dee’s little drawing!

Condoms: Who Likes ‘Em Anyway? - Skye Blue of Met Another Frog

Insomnia Club Strikes Again: Get Your Own Box - Nikki at Women Are From Mars

Sharing is Caring: The Insomnia Club Strikes Again – Simone at Sex, Lies and Dating in the City

We also had an additional topic this month…

Banana Pancakes & Pretend It’s The Weekend ~ Charlotte at My Pixie Blog


13 Comments

Filed under Misses

13 responses to “Ms. Man-shopper in Boozetown

  1. Hi-lay! Yes, yes… we do all need that box to ourselves from time to time…

    Although. I have one point where we differ, Miss Shopper. Well. Let’s just say there is a point where a glass or two mellows me out. Sober? I don’t want to talk to you. Buzzed? I can handle it and be polite. Drunky pants? Let the bitch out. Ohhhhhh dear. At least I think I’m funny when I’m like that. At the time.

    • I do agree with you to some extent. But just to play devil’s advocate… A buzz means that you may acquiesce to things that would not otherwise have made it through sober quality control. But drunky pants? It means you don’t remember how inadvisable it was. :)

  2. Pingback: Insomnia Club Strikes Again: Get Your Own Box. « Women Are From Mars

  3. Good and funny post my dear! An after reading it I’m thinking I need to reassess my status as a non-drinker. I’m so on team Drunky Man-Shopper!!

    • Thank you, Skye! Team Drunk Man-shopper is where it’s at. But my team gladly embraces teetotalers as well, so welcome aboard! Somebody has to keep tabs on me…

  4. LMAO!!! I love this post so very much. And this? “Dance it out to Britney in your bedroom…. ” Yea. I know all about this.

    The booze always helps when approaching the male species in any setting I’ve found. Though it has sadly not yet given me the ability to speak Finnish.

  5. Jessi

    Holy mother of all that is holy – I’ve been reading and laughing at your blog for a long time now, but have never commented before (I think?) – but this just resonated SO. MUCH. I am this person. Me + Sober = Awkward, flailing, sometimes bitchy and rude and unable to read most social cues. Me + Booze = suave, sexy, incredibly intelligent and excellent at all that I may attempt in life.

    • Hi Jessi, welcome to the comments section! We can all unite in our booze-induced sociability.

      • Jessi

        Just this morning, I hit myself in the face speaking with a (very attractive) male co-worker. The awkward silence that followed was more painful than the self-slap. Had booze been involved, I’m certain that a) I would never have attempted such an arm flailing gesture b) had I attempted said gesture, I would have succeeded and become attractive male co-worker’s hero for pulling off such a feat of arm acrobatics c) had I failed, I would have immediately followed it with a witty, situationally soothing comment that he would have had no choice but bow down to my general hilarity and social competancy.

  6. Pingback: Sharing is Caring – The Insomnia Club Strikes Again | Dating & Relationships in NYC

  7. I trust you’ve rehydrated by now……
    I would like to add “falls asleep mid-sentence on metro” to some of your drunken manshopping moves……

    mwhahahaha
    I miss our fun

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