Like my friend, Ryan, my favorite food genre is the sandwich. To me, a deli is a sacred place. It is a place where a multitude of glorious ingredients come together to form a wondrous harmonious concoction that quickly finds its way into my tummy… and my heart. When I say, “I love that sandwich so much, I’d marry it,” I actually mean it. I truly do.
But one day, my faith in the all-healing powers of sandwichery was shaken.
I popped into a nearby deli to find some lunch in the form of a pastrami sandwich, and I noticed that the sandwich artist on duty kept shooting me strange looks. I didn’t think much of it at first, but eventually he broke the silence by asking me a very pointed question.
Sandwich Artist : “How old are you?”
I was so taken aback by his directness that I answered truthfully without thinking.
Sandwich Artist : “Are you married? Any kids?”
I just shook my head at him; quite frankly, I was in a daze. I just wasn’t expecting this kind of interrogation, and he caught me completely off guard.
His eyes widened, and he gasped. Loud enough to be rude, I think.
Sandwich Artist : “OH MY GOODNESS, YOU ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.”
Man-shopper : “Erm. What?”
Sandwich Artist : “YOU DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT! YOU HAVE TO HURRY!”
There were no mirrors at the time to confirm this, but I suspect that the look on my face was some mixture of shock, horror, and complete confusion. I remember thinking to myself, “What is happening here? WHAT IS HAPPENING?”
The rest of our (thankfully) brief conversation went something like this:
Man-shopper : “Hurry? Why? I’m still so young!”
Sandwich Artist : “No, you’re not. You’re running out of time. If you don’t hurry up, you will die alone.”
Man-shopper : “Whoa, hang on. That’s a bit dramatic.”
Sandwich Artist : “Not really. Why don’t you want to be married?”
Man-shopper : “Who said I don’t want to be married? What if I’m just not ready to settle down yet?”
Sandwich Artist : “At your age, if you’re not married, you don’t want to be married, right?”
Man-shopper : “This conversation is over. Could I pay for my sandwich now please?”
I did not leave him a tip.