Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Dead. Just as he deserves. With all that mooning, swooning and flowery lovey-dovey talk, I imagine that Shakespeare just got so fed up with both Romeo and Juliet that he killed them off just to shut them up.
I have no use for blathering idiots who seem to take their inspiration from supermarket bodice-ripper romance novels. As you can probably tell, I’m hardly the romantic, sentimental type.
Let’s go over some highlights from Mr. Bodice-Ripper, shall we? (These sound even cheesier in French, I assure you.)
- Before I even met the guy, I found this gem in my inbox: “I have been searching a long time for this very gaze and this very smile. Today, the one thing that I want is to be able to exchange a few words before looking into your eyes and experiencing this famous gaze myself…” (In the words of a writer friend, I think my skin crawled off my body.)
- “The moment that I saw your profile, I just knew that we were destined to meet.” (Yeah. Right.)
- “You were truly love at first sight for me, I think that you are magnificent.” (Good god. REALLY?!)
- “I’m looking for an affectionate lover who is enamored with the pleasures of the flesh, who swears only by the sweetness and the joy of being in a couple… I want a relationship in which we face difficulties together and in which we celebrate joy together. I am looking for a beautiful love story.” (I’m pretty sure that I’ve read this on a Hallmark card somewhere. I probably vomited on it.)
- “If I ever have the privilege of seeing you in a more intimate setting and I fail to win your heart, I would still be proud to count you among my friends.” (No, he wouldn’t. A man thinks with his penis and his ego, and both would be pissed off.)
This gushy drivel isn’t inherently BAD. I suppose that some naive girl out there must like this stuff.
Well, needless to say, I am no such a simpleton. So I put this one back on the shelf straightaway.
(However, on the bright side, I now have enough material to write my own bodice-ripper novel. All I have to do is throw in some references to “heaving bosoms” and “throbbing members.”)