Tag Archives: bodice ripper novel

Mr. Bodice-Ripper

Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Dead.  Just as he deserves.  With all that mooning, swooning and flowery lovey-dovey talk, I imagine that Shakespeare just got so fed up with both Romeo and Juliet that he killed them off just to shut them up.

I have no use for blathering idiots who seem to take their inspiration from supermarket bodice-ripper romance novels.  As you can probably tell, I’m hardly the romantic, sentimental type.

Let’s go over some highlights from Mr. Bodice-Ripper, shall we?  (These sound even cheesier in French, I assure you.)

  • Before I even met the guy, I found this gem in my inbox:  “I have been searching a long time for this very gaze and this very smile.  Today, the one thing that I want is to be able to exchange a few words before looking into your eyes and experiencing this famous gaze myself…”  (In the words of a writer friend, I think my skin crawled off my body.)
  • “The moment that I saw your profile, I just knew that we were destined to meet.”  (Yeah.  Right.)
  • “You were truly love at first sight for me, I think that you are magnificent.”  (Good god.  REALLY?!)
  • “I’m looking for an affectionate lover who is enamored with the pleasures of the flesh, who swears only by the sweetness and the joy of being in a couple…  I want a relationship in which we face difficulties together and in which we celebrate joy together.  I am looking for a beautiful love story.”  (I’m pretty sure that I’ve read this on a Hallmark card somewhere.  I probably vomited on it.)
  • “If I ever have the privilege of seeing you in a more intimate setting and I fail to win your heart, I would still be proud to count you among my friends.”  (No, he wouldn’t.  A man thinks with his penis and his ego, and both would be pissed off.)

This gushy drivel isn’t inherently BAD.  I suppose that some naive girl out there must like this stuff.

Well, needless to say, I am no such a simpleton.  So I put this one back on the shelf straightaway.

NEXT!

(However, on the bright side, I now have enough material to write my own bodice-ripper novel.  All I have to do is throw in some references to “heaving bosoms” and “throbbing members.”)

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