Mr. Bodice-Ripper

Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Dead.  Just as he deserves.  With all that mooning, swooning and flowery lovey-dovey talk, I imagine that Shakespeare just got so fed up with both Romeo and Juliet that he killed them off just to shut them up.

I have no use for blathering idiots who seem to take their inspiration from supermarket bodice-ripper romance novels.  As you can probably tell, I’m hardly the romantic, sentimental type.

Let’s go over some highlights from Mr. Bodice-Ripper, shall we?  (These sound even cheesier in French, I assure you.)

  • Before I even met the guy, I found this gem in my inbox:  “I have been searching a long time for this very gaze and this very smile.  Today, the one thing that I want is to be able to exchange a few words before looking into your eyes and experiencing this famous gaze myself…”  (In the words of a writer friend, I think my skin crawled off my body.)
  • “The moment that I saw your profile, I just knew that we were destined to meet.”  (Yeah.  Right.)
  • “You were truly love at first sight for me, I think that you are magnificent.”  (Good god.  REALLY?!)
  • “I’m looking for an affectionate lover who is enamored with the pleasures of the flesh, who swears only by the sweetness and the joy of being in a couple…  I want a relationship in which we face difficulties together and in which we celebrate joy together.  I am looking for a beautiful love story.”  (I’m pretty sure that I’ve read this on a Hallmark card somewhere.  I probably vomited on it.)
  • “If I ever have the privilege of seeing you in a more intimate setting and I fail to win your heart, I would still be proud to count you among my friends.”  (No, he wouldn’t.  A man thinks with his penis and his ego, and both would be pissed off.)

This gushy drivel isn’t inherently BAD.  I suppose that some naive girl out there must like this stuff.

Well, needless to say, I am no such a simpleton.  So I put this one back on the shelf straightaway.


(However, on the bright side, I now have enough material to write my own bodice-ripper novel.  All I have to do is throw in some references to “heaving bosoms” and “throbbing members.”)


Filed under Misters

6 responses to “Mr. Bodice-Ripper

  1. LOL this is so funny. Work it out girlfriend.

  2. Jo

    The first line of this post made me laugh so hard I almost peed.

  3. OriginalResonance

    Romanticism is beyond the burger-gorging, warmongering, mercantile Anglo-Saxon.

    • OriginalResonance

      To compound your misery, you also possess the rigid, simplistic thinking pervasive in the American populace. No, I’m not literally condemning you for eating burgers, for taking part in the Iraq war, for being a mercantilist or for being white. You’re the one living in France, not me. Surely you would have learnt of the Gallic interpretation of the term “Anglo-Saxon” (Fyi, it means Americans and Brits)? What I was attacking is the American and British propensity for vulgar cynicism, as you’ve quite rightly displayed e.g objectifying men which is normal in your consumerist culture of “money talks”, failing to understand meaning beyond what is uniform and efficient et al.

      I’m actually looking forward to relocating to Paris come this April and in all honesty, the numbers of Americans like you there can be rather dampening. But thank god, I will not be staying in the Banlieue.

  4. OriginalResonance

    I thank you for censoring my views, citizen of the land of the free. Moral victory is mine! Ha! Alright. I’ll leave you to your own devices (or is it vices?) from now on. Salut!

  5. Lu

    Adoro romances bodice ripper, fico frustrada com historinhas àgua com açucar e dou o exemplo de Crepusculo.
    Por quê? algumas pessoas perguntam e eu respondo pelo fato de sexo ser tão antigo como historia do homem.

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