Mr. Pretty Woman

No, he was not a prostitute.  Although, he did look eerily similar to Julia Roberts.

Mr. Pretty Woman earned his name for two simple reasons:

1.  He was kind of pretty.

2.  He was kind of a woman.

Point #1 wasn’t really the problem.  Even though it can be a blow to my self-esteem when my man is prettier than me, I try not to discriminate against men who are have excellent bone structure.

However, point #2 was quite problematic primarily for the following reason:

I am a heterosexual female.  Therefore, I am sexually attracted to MEN.

In short, Mr. Pretty Woman will never see me naked.

First of all, there was a “size problem.”  Let’s just say that even though I am 5’3″ and petite, I made HIM look petite.  When I actually met him, I saw that his upper arms were about the size of my wrist.  He was also wearing what appeared to be a t-shirt that was a women’s size small… which was LOOSE on him.  His legs were about the size of my arm — a fact which was clear to me because his jeans were almost tight enough for me to make out his leg hair.

(I know that it’s superficial, but I could never date someone who looks like an anorexic baby giraffe.  I would risk breaking his neck if I made out with him.)

Mr. Pretty Woman also saw fit to reveal his daily moisturizing routine.  He apparently uses such-and-such face cream in the morning, and special whatsawhosit face cream before he goes to bed.

(Yeah.  That’s sexy.)

Then he told me about how important it was for him to take care of himself, and about how his physique is so appealing to the male homosexual community.  He mentioned this at least several times throughout the date.  He was VERY proud of himself.

(Right.  It’s every girl’s dream to hear that her man-toy loves being a man-magnet.)

And last, but definitely not least, he has a room in his house exclusively for beautifying.

(I am not making this up.)

Well, I suppose that if I ever change my mind and decide that I could be attracted to Julia Roberts, I still have Mr. Pretty Woman’s number.  But until hell freezes over…


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One response to “Mr. Pretty Woman

  1. Pingback: Ms. Top Five « Man-shopping in Paris

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