An American girlfriend of mine recently encountered a ridiculous male specimen, and she gave me permission to share her story.
She and Mr. Man-Child had been flirting for a while when he finally invited her to have tea at his place after their martial arts class.
She was thrilled; she was finally going to get one-on-one time with this delightful piece of man-candy. But unfortunately, Mr. Man-Child turned out to be a colossal ass-hat.
He also felt the need to break out the emotional baggage: “What affected me the most in my life was growing up without a father.” My friend later caught him out on the lie when she found out that he did indeed grow up with a father. (Moron.)
And then he said, “There’s something that I have to tell you.”
She was assuming the worst. (What could it be? No penis?)
“There’s someone in my life.” (Awesome. Yet another Frenchman with a wandering eye. What else is new?)
So my friend decided then and there that this guy was not worth the trouble. Basically, no sex for him.
However, he had other ideas.
“Hey, let me see your tattoos.” He then proceeds to rub his hands all over her body in some sort of strange attempt to take her clothes off.
“I want to touch your ‘warmth.'” “Warmth” here is a literal translation; it was probably more like “warm place,” perhaps his personal euphemism for a lady’s nether regions. How could he possibly think that this line would ever work? He was so confident that he even said it MULTIPLE TIMES. I doubt that it would have worked even in a drunk college frat scenario.
“Let’s take a shower now,” said the persistent cretin.
“Okay, fine, but sit here and talk to me while I shower.” And while showering, he was STILL trying to convince her to hop in with him by blatantly flaunting his man bits (there was no shower curtain!). “What’s the problem? We’re just going to wash each other and caress. Nothing else.” (Yeah. RIGHT).
When he emerged, wrapped only in a towel, he insisted, “Come here. Touch me.”
Then he elaborated, “Touch my boobies.” (You can’t make this stuff up. Have you ever known an adult man to say that with a straight face?!)
Team Penis disappoints yet again.