Mr. Man-Child

An American girlfriend of mine recently encountered a ridiculous male specimen, and she gave me permission to share her story.

She and Mr. Man-Child had been flirting for a while when he finally invited her to have tea at his place after their martial arts class.

She was thrilled; she was finally going to get one-on-one time with this delightful piece of man-candy.  But unfortunately, Mr. Man-Child turned out to be a colossal ass-hat.

He told her how happy he was because at the age of 42, he had FINALLY begun to start his adult life.  (So what in bloody hell was he doing for the past twenty years??)

He also felt the need to break out the emotional baggage: “What affected me the most in my life was growing up without a father.”  My friend later caught him out on the lie when she found out that he did indeed grow up with a father.  (Moron.)

And then he said, “There’s something that I have to tell you.”

She was assuming the worst.  (What could it be?  No penis?)

“There’s someone in my life.”  (Awesome.  Yet another Frenchman with a wandering eye.  What else is new?)

So my friend decided then and there that this guy was not worth the trouble.  Basically, no sex for him.

However, he had other ideas.

“Hey, let me see your tattoos.”  He then proceeds to rub his hands all over her body in some sort of strange attempt to take her clothes off.

“I want to touch your ‘warmth.'”  “Warmth” here is a literal translation; it was probably more like “warm place,”  perhaps his personal euphemism for a lady’s nether regions.  How could he possibly think that this line would ever work?  He was so confident that he even said it MULTIPLE TIMES.  I doubt that it would have worked even in a drunk college frat scenario.

“Let’s take a shower now,” said the persistent cretin.

“Ummm.  NO!”

“Okay, fine, but sit here and talk to me while I shower.”  And while showering, he was STILL trying to convince her to hop in with him by blatantly flaunting his man bits (there was no shower curtain!).  “What’s the problem?  We’re just going to wash each other and caress.  Nothing else.”  (Yeah.  RIGHT).

When he emerged, wrapped only in a towel, he insisted, “Come here.  Touch me.”

Then he elaborated, “Touch my boobies.”  (You can’t make this stuff up.  Have you ever known an adult man to say that with a straight face?!)

Team Penis disappoints yet again.


Filed under Misters

4 responses to “Mr. Man-Child

  1. Jo

    Why did she stick around for so long? Why was she watching a naked man shower? Is that not repulsive? I am confused by the holes in this story!

    • I think my friend stayed just to have it play out. My guess is that she probably didn’t want to storm out and create too drama, she still had to see him several times a week for the rest of the year (he is one of the kung fu instructors at her gym). Also, she actually enjoyed the shower scene, she told me that she found all of his man bits quite satisfactory 🙂

      But I will ask her today about this and fill in the holes of this story soon!

  2. Amanda

    Dear Jo,

    I am the “American girlfriend” Man-Shopper speaks of. Unfortunately, stories relayed by an external party are bound to have holes, especially when they are as ridiculous and complicated as this one, but I assure you that it did happen as it was described above, and I’ll do my best to fill your holes, no pun intended.

    A point that was not mentioned in the first telling is that the reason he invited me to have a drink in the first place was because we got to talking about plans for the evening and realized that we both had a couple of hours to kill. And so we decided to hang in the interim, but he needed to take a shower because we had just had a Kung Fu class, as stated above. (I should add here that I honestly thought he was kidding. The language barrier leads to confusion like this ALL the time.) Voilà, scene is set.

    So why did I stay. Ok, three reasons
    1) We were both leaving anyway. It was the plan from the beginning to take the metro together.
    2) I was amused, not disgusted.
    3) I was turned on…again, not disgusted.

    I think it needs to be stressed that this man is very very very sexy and, even though he has the mind of a 13 year-old, I was very physically attracted to him. It took every bit of my self-discipline NOT to sleep with him. So, I guess I also stayed because part of me wanted to, simple as that.

    All that being said, he hasn’t been to Kung Fu in about a month. The classes are 4 times a week and he’s one of the instructors. Needless to say, Mr. Man-Child is certainly living up to his name.

    • Jo

      Thank you! I understand completely now…though I still argue that the male body isn’t much to behold. Maybe I’ve watched too much Seinfeld growing up.

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