I have only one question this Valentine’s Day: Where did all the manliness go??
This rant is about no man-product in particular. This is a lament about a general absence of manliness here in Paris. I can’t help myself… I’ve been brainwashed by American hero-worship of manly man-heroes.
The French have Louis XIV, the most prominent proponent of the high-heeled shoe for men. He also wore more feathers than the average Vegas showgirl.
So it comes as no surprise that there seems to be an abnormally high occurrence of pansies on my dating website. I’ve collected a few of my favorites here for your viewing pleasure.
Let’s check out Mr. Pansy #1:
Judging from this photo, Mr. Pansy #1 enjoys watching America’s Next Top Model and imitating Tyra Banks’ “smizing” techniques in the mirror. And I don’t even want to know who took this photo for him.
Now look at Mr. Pansy #2:
My only response to this was:
A man who photoshops a provocatively-posed Tinkerbell next to his lips is the kind of man who will only land a date with… well… Tinkerbell, a fictional AND mythical creature.
Mr. Pansy #3 has a special place in my heart. Mostly because I own both the shirt and necklace that he is wearing.
That shirt does show off his décolletage nicely, doesn’t it? I know. That’s exactly why I bought it for myself. For the record, it also comes in pink.
Now… the pièce de résistance… Mr. Pansy #4:
Note the luminous, green-screen background…
I would also like to point out that I wore that jade necklace when I was sixteen. So did all my cousins. My female cousins.
And, most importantly, note the off-the-shoulder pose made famous by women’s lingerie catalogs and, of course, Flashdance. He seems to think that this pose is some sort of strip-tease tactic that will send the ladies a-swooning into his flabby embrace.
I weep for mankind. I truly do.
Georgia O’Keeffe obviously didn’t paint flowers as an homage to manliness. So I find it unsettling how closely these “men” resemble their horticultural namesakes:
It’s so apropos that “pansy” was originally derived from a French word…