I know that I was supposed to go speed-dating à la française this week, but my schedule got a little hectic. So today’s post is a tribute to the men who think that the Paris metro is the perfect to place to romance a lady — the men who then proceed to fuck it up.
Metro Casanova #1
- He tried to lick me. (I swear, you can’t make this stuff up.) I managed to dodge his tongue, but lord, it was an unsettling sight to see a grown man try to lick my face.
Metro Casanova #2
- He came up behind me on the platform, put his head on my shoulder, and smelled my neck with a deep intake of breath. When I whipped around — guard up and ready to deliver a quick right jab to his nose — he said “I really like your shoes.” Ick-tastic.
Metro Casanova #3
- This guy is actually one of many. It’s one thing when everyone is jostling each other during rush hour — when everyone is packed in the car like sardines. However, the car was almost empty the other day, but this winner decided that this was a great time to come up behind me and attempt to dry hump me. Awesome.
Metro Casanova #4
- This was actually the second time that someone has said this to me in the past few weeks. He tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear, “You look like a geisha.” Seriously, what did he expect to happen then? “Oh, let me pour your tea now, sir?” Hells no. I blame my red lipstick for this particular pick-up.
Metro Casanova #5
- Strangest pick-up line of the week: “Oh, you’re Vietnamese? My knife collection is Japanese.” Creepy? Or just a very enthusiastic chef? Uncertain.
To sum up, these past couple of weeks on the Paris metro have been pretty eventful.
My favorite green coat!
Perhaps I shouldn’t wear a bright green coat or red lipstick.
Fuck it. I refuse to look drab just because a few weirdos get all up in my business.
That coat is a show-stopper (it gives me a Marilyn Monroe hourglass figure!), and I love rockin’ the Russian Red lip when I feel saucy.
So go ahead, creeps, lick me. Just don’t smudge my lipstick.
Nexity-next-next!
Man-shopping in D.C. 
Lol that is classic! Makes me almost wish we had a metro here so I could have half the stories you have!
Ari, I think you are right, you need to make a new gravatar that showcases your new mac book pro.
(I am a mac lover too)
It sounds like French men need to leave their country a bit more often.
Those types of racially idiotic comments would be rare in an equivalent sized city in the states. Or am I wrong?
@Ari – You say that now, but trust me, you’ll tire of the metro shenanigans after a few weeks 🙂
@Mike – You are definitely right. Anglos usually have a base level of tact and consideration, no matter what their views of ethnicity and race are. Here, no such luck. I’ve never been on the receiving end of these kinds of comments while living in the USA or England, but Paris is the kind of city where some ass-hat at the corner café yells “ni hao” and “konichiwa” at me EVERY DAY when I walk by… and he thinks that he’s being charming. The issue of race is a hot button topic in France, and I could go on for ages, but I will stop here before you start wanting rip your eyeballs out 🙂
I am a bit amazed that you don’t tear your own eyeballs out!
It sounds like the French are very culturally heterogeneous?
I found that to be pretty strong with the Japanese but they at least were too shy to voice their ignorance. (usually…)
I wonder when you will have your first melt down. Usually happens after 6 months (have no idea why I am smiling while I write this)
(Diabolical smiling or sympathetic smiling?)
My eyeballs have had a number of close calls. But after three and a half years here, I’ve had to become more zen about it all.
Still, there are definitely days that I seriously contemplate quitting my job, packing my bags, and buying a one-way ticket back to the USA. I haven’t been back in so long that there is a good chance that when I do go back, I will latch on to the first vaguely normal American guy that I meet — out of sheer joy and relief.
Look out, America.
Glad to hear you have made it this long!
I can only imagine the stories you have yet to tell.
Nexity Next!
This reminds me of the regular section in the Metro free newspaper – stuff like:
“On the line 4 last week, you got on at Denfert-Rochereau, our eyes met in the crowded carriage, you had a killer smile, I gave you a quick lick round the chops and then you got off at Chatelet and took my heart with you. Drop me a line, 12345@voila.fr.”
Cut to girl chatting to her friends: “Oh, his tongue was magical – rough but sensual, just the way I like my men!”
Girlfriends: “How romantic! Oh, how come no one ever comes up in the metro and licks ME?”
[This French rom-com stuff is easy. Got to work out the rest of my script.]
HAHAHAHA, that script is gold, Aidan. Pure gold.
If that goes into production, you must invite me to the premiere, and I expect to receive a mention when you win an IFTA.
Who would you cast to play the man of the magical tongue? I vote for Cillian Murphy.
It’s the southern Euro/Latin machismo. France is the only country where it’s kind of a mix of northern Euro politeness and Latin sexual openness. So as soon as you cross, the border to Belgium, Switzerland, Belgium, Austria and north-west from there, and Scandinavia you very rarely get accosted on the streets, parties, etc.
Let me change “very rarely” to “far less.” That’s just what I’ve heard from the ladies.
I’m with Claire.. nextity next… but I can back up all the weirdness of the Paris metro. For the first week its some what flattering… then you want to kill everyone… ah living in gay paree!
Stop it! Dude tried to lick you!?!?!? I am so creeped out by the mere thought!
@charmerci – It’s true, the farther north you go, you are less frequently propositioned on the street. At the same time, though, the men also seem to become less and less charming. It’s a trade-off, I suppose.
@julieparisienne – Ah yes, you’ve got some “interesting” stories yourself! The Paris metro is truly a cesspool of weirdness. (Did I tell you about the time that I was vomited on?) They can spruce it up with all the IKEA couches that they want, but it won’t make the guys any less dodgy…
@Elle – Gross, right?! I could barely believe it myself. I’m still icked out by the whole thing.
This is… epic. And brilliant.
You look hot in that picture.
Perhaps you have a sick stalker unleashing creeps on you while you commute… And then just as you decide you can’t take it any longer, he’ll come along and “save” you like a knight in shining armour. Maybe it’s the crazy chap from a few posts back.
Seriously, being a guy, I don’t know how you manage to put up with all of this. Though by virtue of being Asian I’ve also had people randomly saying “ni hao” to me several times in France… I’ve lived and travelled extensively in many different countries including several European ones and I’ve not had this happen to me elsewhere. I’m still trying to think of the best repartee; I’ve considered responding in German, but it would just go over their heads.
@Ken and @Jo – Thanks, guys 🙂
@Brian – Well, if there really is a crazy knight in shining armor lurking about somewhere, he’s taking his damn sweet time about “saving” me.
Also, responding in German probably won’t help. I’ve tried insults in English and Italian, but since I’m Asian, they just assumed that I was speaking Chinese.
I quite liked No.5’s style 🙂 Really great post.
*Plentymorefishoutofwater – One Man’s Dating Diary*
Thanks, Fishy!
And yes, No. 5 does get points for creativity. He at least made me pause for a split-second and consider the possibility — however remote — of going out with him. I do like a man with a decent set of knives…
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