Mr. Almost There – Part 2

As some of you may recall, in my two-month anniversary post, my goal for March was to go on a second date.

And as of this week, I have finally broken my long string of first dates.  Mr. Almost There, the ONE decent date that I’ve had all year, asked me out for a second date!

And even though sparks didn’t exactly fly on our first date (he was a munchkin), I said yes so that I could give him a second chance to charm my pants off — a second chance to make me overcome my inability to be attracted to a munchkin man.

So this past Thursday night, and even though I had pulled out my flattest pair of shoes I was feeling optimistic…

The same jacket, I swear!

…until I saw him.

Mr. Almost There looked like the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland.  (This is the second time that my date has resembled a character from Alice in Wonderland — see Mr. Cheshire Cat.  Perhaps my dating life is just one endless LSD trip…)

He was wearing that very jacket AND carrying an enormous umbrella with a wooden hooked handle.  What made it worse was the fact that the length of his umbrella was almost 3/4 of his height!

I had to take deep breaths to avoid laughing hysterically.  I almost gave myself the hiccups.

His legs were this short too...

It didn’t help that when he started walking, he looked like the Disney version of the White Rabbit —>

Absurdly funny, but definitely not sexy.

Especially considering that I was still taller than him in my flat shoes (again, I’m 5’3″, people).

But then it got worse.

On this second date, Mr. Almost There came across as a bit of a condescending prick.  He asked me where I went to university, and after I told him, he started acting like a patronizing ass-face.

He probably felt insecure about whether he measured up intellectually.  Either that or he thought that I’d be turned on by a man who antagonized me about everything from not putting accents in emails sent from my iPod (the thing doesn’t even do accents!) to being unable conjugate “promouvoir” in the subjunctive (dude, I know French people who can’t conjugate it in the present tense).

What an asstard.

Munchkinosis + asstardedness = zero chance of hanky-panky.

Basic mathematics.

His insecurities about our intellectual equality were well-founded after all… because he definitely didn’t understand that equation.

Going in for the kill?

Mr. Almost There somehow thought that our date was coming along swimmingly.  At the end of the night, as we were saying our goodbyes, he leaned in for the kill…

It’s times like this that I LOVE living in France — a country where la bise, the kiss planted on each cheek, is a perfectly polite greeting and parting salutation.

Even Obama knows la bise.

… so I deftly executed what I call the Mouth-to-Cheek Slide, my best post-date-kiss evasion tactic.  I round off the move with a full la bise and step back to admire my handiwork.

The look on his face was priceless.

Befuddlement, sheepishness, and irritation.

The best thing about all this: the condescending turd can never accuse me of being impolite!

Muahahahaha.

Next!

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22 Comments

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22 responses to “Mr. Almost There – Part 2

  1. The month’s still not over. See you tomorrow?

  2. Well if he hadn’t turned out to be such a prick I would have said to simply offer him offer him a bite of the “eat me” sweets and wait till he grows larger

  3. So when is there going to be a happy story!??

    As much as I love hearing about idiotic french men, I admit I am hungry for a little success? Maybe? Just a nibble?

    • I’m hungry for some success too! I’d love to have a happy story, but it just hasn’t panned out that way so far. The thing is, I’m not the only one with lousy luck. All the single French and expat ladies in my circle of friends and acquaintances… they haven’t had much success either. I’ve also been told that my string of misadventures accurately sums up the scene here… sad, no?

      I’ll keep trying though, and hopefully I’ll have a happy story here for you soon!

    • Mike,

      look at her response to me above.

      That’s the third time I’ve made gentle requests and 3 times it’s been nothing. I’m not aggressive/ overly assertive so for me, that’s enough of a message for me. I ain’t asking again.

      I’m pretty sure that this comes from these gals looking for the proverbial knight in shining armor (i.e. Armani-dressed in a white Ferrari.)
      sweeping them off their feet. (Thanks to Hollywood.) Or that magical love-at-first-sight thing.

      It’s beginning to dawn on me that these overly aggressive guys are rewarded for their persistence – if only a little bit but that’s what they thrive on.

      Maybe not individually, but as a collective whole I think that these women are at least, partially responsible – and it’s a shame because these a-holes make it so much harder for the nice guys.

      • Hey Char,

        I have to take responsibility for the first, since it was I who flaked on the reading. I would still love to do it at some point, but got caught up editing before a huge presentation for my masters.
        I am sorry about not showing up, I was a cracked up on red-bull crazy girl at the time, it wouldn’t have been a pretty reading.
        I told manshopper I wasn’t going, so she opted out too.
        Anyway,
        Just thought I’d throw in that I didn’t show up for that reason (though I realize you weren’t asking me out). 🙂

  4. Alex

    How awesome would it be if your next date was straight from the pages of another children’s lit author? I’m pulling for Roald Dahl. That way, you meet either someone with a head like a fuckin’ peach/orange (I know you love Karl Pilkington), or an Oompa Loompa. I know your head is exploding right now thinking of the possibilities.

    • Oh lord, you know that if I ever met Karl Pilkington, my life would be complete. Who wouldn’t want a man who drops trou while washing up?

      Now I want to reread all the Roald Dahl books… Where’s a Kindle when you need one??

      • Alex

        I see you’re up to date with the Ricky Gervais Show on HBO. I can’t wait until they animate “I Can Eat a Knob at Night.” As for your Kindle, give Kindle Reader for Mac a shot! It’s not ideal, but it’s free.

  5. julieparisienne

    Alex I’m with you on the kindle mac thing.. I’m a newbie but I love it.

    Charmerci, dude calm down, no woman in her right mind would go straight out with some guy from the internet just like that, you are a total stranger! And your first comment doesn’t count as a date request, asking at 21.21 for tomorrow? If it even was serious.

  6. I love your basic mathematics. You are too funny, and the words are all too similar.

    @charmerci – Really, asking via comment & expecting a yes?

    @Mike – this lack of success is transcontinental. Seems men everywhere aren’t stepping up.

    http://www.ziazitella.wordpress.com

  7. “most of my man-shopping is conducted online.”

    @Zita,

    There have been a couple more earlier interactions – with none of them me asking directly for a one-on-one date. Just looking for a little more positive feedback than “I’m busy” and not showing up in a neutral place (after saying that she would) with a friend without any follow-up.

    • @charmerci – Yes, my dear, I’m aware of the earlier interactions. I’ve been following my girl here, I know. Just seemed like you were throwing straws at the wind which doesn’t exactly make a girl clear her schedule. Catch my drift? Subtlety my man, subtlety. 😉

  8. Manshopper,
    I really wish math class had been taught by you rather than the old fart in fifth grade who made me do long division over and over again.
    Your version is far superior.
    Next time I need a calculator, I’m calling you.

  9. @charmerci – My schedule really is a disaster; I have a hard enough time scheduling in my good friends. But that’s beside the point because I doubt that we will ever meet now.

    And I’d have to disagree with you by saying that “these women” like me don’t reward the persistence of assholes. Rather, we reward the effort of gentlemen who at least try to be charming and don’t ask us out in public forums where WanderingMenaces can publicly strong-arm us into saying yes. Seriously, it’s like that dude who proposes on national television. But at least that guy was already dating her and reasonably sure that she’d say yes.

    @ziazitella – Thanks, girl! We seem to be on the same page about these things…

    @wanderingmenace – I’m glad that I could make math fun! I’m Asian, so of course we all know how good I am at math 🙂

  10. Man this dude sounded like la douche, pardon my French.

    I guess he doesn’t know how to read the situation at hand. You don’t insult someone the whole night and at the end of it go in for a smooch. It just doesn’t work that way.

    If I am on an amazing date, I end it with a firm handshake. I leave it up to the female to go in for the kill if it was that good like I suspected it to be. A little passive, but, it works.

  11. NEXT indeed…..oh ass-face men. why are there so many of them?

  12. @Jimmy – Ironically, this city is full of douches, and even though it’s a French word, it simply does not translate. And a firm handshake, that works?? My, how times have changed…

    @lostplum – I have no idea why there are so many. If experimentation on humans wasn’t so morally reprehensible, you know that I’d stick electrodes on them in a heartbeat to answer that question.

  13. @ms, I did believe you when you said you were busy. But in the past, I have always interpreted that as a “no” – whether that was wrong or right.

    When I said “these women” I was not talking about any of the women on this blog. I’m sure that you’re all fine, beautiful, intelligent, sweet, hard-working people.

    On the internet a little misunderstanding
    Sometimes can make for a hard landing
    I wish you all the best
    On your man-shopping quest.

    Bye!

  14. Pingback: Ms. Top Five « Man-shopping in Paris

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