I was out with a couple of friends one night, and we found ourselves in a tiny Irish pub in the 6th. It was heaving with people, the floors were sticky, the barstaff was drunk, and I’d estimate that the average age in the room was about 18. Basically, I found myself at a frat party where I had to pay for my drinks.
This was where I met Mr. Hovercraft.
So obviously, he was top-notch quality.
Mr. Hovercraft was an avid practitioner of mating ritual that, in my opinion, is rampant in the Parisian scene.
That’s right, folks. Believers in hoverism firmly believe that hovering will get you the girl at the end of the night.
In case you aren’t familiar with The Hover, here’s the step-by-step breakdown:
- Position yourself close enough to the target girl so that you can eavesdrop on her conversation. Ideally, you should be behind her so that she doesn’t realize that you are a complete creep… See Exhibit A —>
- Hover there for as long as possible. Minimum acceptable time is one hour. There is no maximum.
- Within this acceptable time window, whatever you do, DO NOT ENGAGE THE TARGET. Sip your drink and look shifty.
- Wait until all her friends leave, go to the loo, or get more drinks. You must find an opening where she is alone for a split second. Then, and ONLY then, can you proceed to Step 5. If she is never alone, simply hover until either you or the target leaves the premises permanently.
- Get her attention. Tap her on the shoulder and/or finally move into her line of vision.
- Say something stupid/creepy because, during the multiple-hour hover, you didn’t think about what to say if you ever got the target alone.
- Get shut down mercilessly by the target.
You’d be surprised how many hoverists there are out there… and how determined they can be. Mr. Hovercraft that night at the pub hovered for two hours until my one remaining friend went to look for the toilets — at which point he stuck his nose in my ear, blew some rank breath in my direction and asked, “So you’re Chinese?”
To all the practicing hoverists out there, a few things to keep in mind:
- Technically, there is actually a Step 0, where you should check for mirrors within the target’s line of vision. I was able to observe Mr. Hovercraft in all his creepy glory well before he moved in for the kill.
- Just because the target can’t see you, that does not mean that her friends haven’t noticed you hovering over her shoulder. It also doesn’t mean that the target can’t smell your bad breath.
- Tapping her shoulder and moving into her line of vision are the only acceptable ways to execute Step 5. Dribbling your drink down her back or shouting “FINALLY” into her ear — either deliberately or otherwise — will set you back to step 1 before you have time to blink.
- Just because you can hover for five hours, it doesn’t mean that you should.
- And last but not least, if you want to get laid, don’t hover. That is all.
Trust me, hoverists, I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been the target enough times that I’m a bit of a self-taught expert.
Must I say it?
I will anyway…