Mr. Hovercraft

I was out with a couple of friends one night, and we found ourselves in a tiny Irish pub in the 6th.  It was heaving with people, the floors were sticky, the barstaff was drunk, and I’d estimate that the average age in the room was about 18.  Basically, I found myself at a frat party where I had to pay for my drinks.

This was where I met Mr. Hovercraft.

So obviously, he was top-notch quality.

Mr. Hovercraft was an avid practitioner of mating ritual that, in my opinion, is rampant in the Parisian scene.

He hovers.

That’s right, folks.  Believers in hoverism firmly believe that hovering will get you the girl at the end of the night.

In case you aren’t familiar with The Hover, here’s the step-by-step breakdown:

Exhibit A. Can you guess which one is the hoverist?

  1. Position yourself close enough to the target girl so that you can eavesdrop on her conversation.  Ideally, you should be behind her so that she doesn’t realize that you are a complete creep… See Exhibit A —>
  2. Hover there for as long as possible.  Minimum acceptable time is one hour.  There is no maximum.
  3. Within this acceptable time window, whatever you do, DO NOT ENGAGE THE TARGET.  Sip your drink and look shifty.
  4. Wait until all her friends leave, go to the loo, or get more drinks.  You must find an opening where she is alone for a split second.  Then, and ONLY then, can you proceed to Step 5.  If she is never alone, simply hover until either you or the target leaves the premises permanently.
  5. Get her attention.  Tap her on the shoulder and/or finally move into her line of vision.
  6. Say something stupid/creepy because, during the multiple-hour hover, you didn’t think about what to say if you ever got the target alone.
  7. Get shut down mercilessly by the target.
  8. Rinse.
  9. Repeat.

hovering brought to you by http://www.nataliedee.com

You’d be surprised how many hoverists there are out there… and how determined they can be.  Mr. Hovercraft that night at the pub hovered for two hours until my one remaining friend went to look for the toilets — at which point he stuck his nose in my ear, blew some rank breath in my direction and asked, “So you’re Chinese?”

To all the practicing hoverists out there, a few things to keep in mind:

  • Technically, there is actually a Step 0, where you should check for mirrors within the target’s line of vision.  I was able to observe Mr. Hovercraft in all his creepy glory well before he moved in for the kill.
  • Just because the target can’t see you, that does not mean that her friends haven’t noticed you hovering over her shoulder.  It also doesn’t mean that the target can’t smell your bad breath.
  • Tapping her shoulder and moving into her line of vision are the only acceptable ways to execute Step 5.  Dribbling your drink down her back or shouting “FINALLY” into her ear — either deliberately or otherwise — will set you back to step 1 before you have time to blink.
  • Just because you can hover for five hours, it doesn’t mean that you should.
  • And last but not least, if you want to get laid, don’t hover.  That is all.

Trust me, hoverists, I know what I’m talking about.  I’ve been the target enough times that I’m a bit of a self-taught expert.

Must I say it?

I will anyway…

Next!

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23 Comments

Filed under Misters

23 responses to “Mr. Hovercraft

  1. Who hovers honestly?

    I think it is pretty pathetic and sad that someone hovers.

    When I go out I don’t try to get laid ever. In fact I possess the anti-Laid attitude.

  2. Exactly mademoiselle!

    My approach is to enjoy myself and have a good time. If some lady wants to strike up conversation with me cool, but, I’m not going to ponder about ways I can get into her pants. If she wants me there cool and if not cool.

    I love the attitude that Jackson Browne & Glen Frey wrote about called: “Take it Easy.”

    I just find it sad and funny when someone is putting a big effort into getting laid at a bar, gives me a good laugh.

    • I definitely have a good laugh at these fools as well. Even though they’re kind of a pain for me to deal with, at least they have intrinsic entertainment value for victims, observers and blog-readers alike!

  3. Alex

    I love the use of mirrors. It’s like a spy movie!

    • @Claire – Next indeed! So many nexts…

      @Alex – Definitely like a spy movie. Sometimes I think that dating is like war, and that the bar scene is either a recon mission or a suicide mission, depending on how you play it.

  4. you are too much! I can’t stand you. I was in a meeting and had to leave in order to LAUGH OUT LOUD at your post!

  5. I haven’t run into any ‘hoverists’ myself and I’m glad because they definitely sound creepy. “So you’re Chinese?” is such a classy opening line.

    Unfortunately, I have definitely encountered many ‘starers’, who lock eyes with you as you pass by apparently hoping that their intense and lustful gaze will encourage you to speak. Not as creepy, but damn near close.

    IMO both are utterly and equally unattractive.

    • Classy indeed.

      Ooo the starers are definitely unsettling. And sometimes their “intense and lustful” gaze looks positively crazed. I wonder if they realize that.

      Then again, I probably shouldn’t judge the starers so much. My attempts to “eye-flirt” are equally — if not more — horrific.

  6. Man, I hate hoverers. I’ve had the sneak-up ear whisper, the drink spill, and the drink spill down the back with an ear whisper. I now find if I turn around and stare back it unnerves them & they go away or it gets the whole charade over with faster and a little cleaner.
    http://www.ziazitella.wordpress.com

    • I’m always afraid that staring back encourages them — which has definitely landed me in some awkward situations. I should probably perfect my bugger-off-asstard-glare…

  7. hahahahahahaha

    words cannot express your ‘eye-flirt’ capacity

    I miss seeing it in action

    I want to come over so we can go out and try it once more. I’m sure you can make it happen, I have full faith!!

    • I’m pretty sure that your faith is misplaced. I’ve managed to send men running away in fear due to my crazed-looking version of eye-flirting! In fact, that happened twice tonight, and I feel suitably sheepish.

  8. Mike Masters

    I wish girls would do that, it would be fun to write about.
    Can’t imagine a girl in Japan awkwardly whispering in my ear, “So… you’re Australian” (while giving Austin Powers, fuck me eyes)

    Hot…

    • Hmmm… I wonder why we girls have never thought to try The Hover. I’m not very smooth, but I might try it sometime. It’s got to work better than my aforementioned eye-flirting techniques…

      • I think we should go out and I should try eye-flirting with glasses that have eyeballs already painted on them.
        While I’m up to that, you can use a squirt-gun to try out that line I gave you over burgers…

        Oh!, AND WE CAN WEAR CAPES!!!!

        Men of the world, whatchout

  9. Bloody hell, I never knew about The Hover…I’m going to try this this weekend.
    *Plentymorefishoutofwater – One Man’s Dating Diary*

  10. This is fantastic! However, I’m miffed that you posted my picture! =)

    I’ve never understood the hovering sort. Man up, try to make a move, lick your wounds and move on. Seems simple to me. It may come as a surprise to you that I always get rejected. Always. Sigh… =(

    Again, great piece

    • Thanks, Alex! I’m glad that you know how to man up. Apparently, it isn’t that simple. You should start a crusade.

      P.S. I did think that it was quite a flattering picture, this one. The drunken-hooded-eye look is always a winner 🙂

  11. Jennetta

    You are SO right…Paris is the freaking capital of hoverists!!! So many of them…do they actually think it’s gonna work? I don’t get it!

  12. Pingback: Don’t Be A Creep - MetAnotherFrog | Meet. Kiss. Delete.

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