Ms. Unsatisfied Customer

So it’s been slow on the online dating front for the past couple of weeks.  Why, you ask?  The answer is simple.  The man-products been consistently of inferior quality.

Here are the kind of man-products that I’ve been turning down lately…

the young and the restless

I don’t date 20-year-olds when they spend more time on their hair than I do on mine.  It’s kind of      <— unacceptable.

I also don’t date 20-year-olds when they profess to weigh 55 kilos and look like a 12-year-old Pee —>     Wee Herman.

And I don’t date 20-year-olds who admit to loving banana cocktails (gag) and show off their bloody wedding ring in their profile pictures!

<— Seriously?  Moron.

And how the hell is HE married already??  He’s barely finished puberty.

In short, I don’t date 20-year-olds.

the crybabies

These guys were hot.  HOT, I tell you!

But damn, were they stupid.

It turns out that when I don’t check my email every 5 seconds and respond immediately, they turn into diva-crybaby extraordinaires.

Let’s take a look at Exhibit A.  Brazilian guy with gorgeous green eyes BUT…

sent at 10:37:23

sent at 10:37:57

sent at 10:38:05

Manly, no?

If you thought that was bad, I was having vivid fantasies about this Colombian casanova until THIS happened…  Hello, Exhibit B:

sent at 14:05:55

sent at 14:33:02

(and for the record, if bad spelling in English isn’t bad enough, it’s even worse when their spelling in French makes me cringe.  It’s “bisous,” dammit.  Spell it correctly, fool!)

the deal-breaker

I saved him for last because he is the reason why I’ve decided to set aside online dating for a few days.

This picture to the right was accompanied by a message that said, “I just wanted to show you my large appetite for Asian food.  Imagine what that means for you.”


That’s not creepy at all.

in conclusion…

Therefore, there is a temporary moratorium on man-products from  Maybe next week will bring in a new shipment of more eligible men.

Emphasis on the “men” bit.

Well, I do have two appointments at the Apple Store coming up, which means that I can’t wait to go prowling for a boyfriend there!



Filed under Misses

24 responses to “Ms. Unsatisfied Customer

  1. okay. silly 20 year-olds and crying men aside, what is going on with the guy with the ‘asian food’? i mean, what the hell was he thinking?

    my guy friends keep telling me that men do what has worked for them before, but i simply refuse to believe that any girl decided to go out with him based on that approach. YUCK!

  2. Ahahaha. Ahahahahahaha. I seriously laughed out loud at the pink crying emoticon! Seriously, what guy would use one? Let alone 8?! I’m imagining french men flinging themselves off of buildings at you scorning them.

    Dude. Asian food guy is a psycho killer. Or at least that’s what his picture says to me.

    Ooh, apple store is a pick-up place? I am so behind the times!

    • If these crying-emoticon-obsessed french guys are flinging themselves off buildings, it’s probably good for the gene pool as a whole!

      Mr. Dim Sum is TOTALLY a psycho killer. If his approach has worked before, it probably means that there are a few Asian skeletons underneath his floorboards.

      And yes, I’m determined to find myself an adorable nerd at the Apple Store. I love Macs, he loves Macs, so how could this relationship NOT work? And if my victim happens to work at the Genius Bar… HOT.

  3. Alex

    My favorite post in a while, Manshopper. I’d like to know why Mr. Dim Sum ordered so much just for himself? Do you think he actually went to a Chinese place, ordered all those dishes, then had the waiter take a picture of him posing with them? Oh my God, the logistics behind it alone hurt my head.

    Apple Genii could be good. I wonder if Steve Jobs controls their libidos by iPad 🙂

    • When you work out the logistics, let me know. I’m pretty sure that it will involve a fairly complex algorithm.

      As for the Apple Genii, whether or not Steve Jobs controls their libidos by iPad, I’d be willing to bet that I can override his master controls with a universal remote known as… My Boobs.

  4. This is freaking hilarious, girl. And I always liked the Europeans.

  5. Kelly Seal

    Ha!! The wedding ring was a nice touch. Does he not know Photoshop?

    And I have no words for Mr. Asian Fetish. Why do Europeans always seem so charming from a distance?

    • They’re a little behind here with all things internet-related, and I suppose that also includes internet dating profile pictures and Photoshop…

      I think that they are much more charming when they are taken out of their natural habitat. The home field advantage seems to go to their heads!

  6. Zoë

    Oh, Helene, this made my evening. I think you’ve totally outdone my WTF profile pic collection now, because these guys top everything I’ve got. 🙂

    Agreed with all the above, especially about the psycho killer / Asian food eater. Honestly, WTF? And if he really DID eat all of those dishes, I’d begin to wonder why he was so suspiciously skinny.

    BTW, my French guy occasionally pulls out a frowning face in his Gchat sessions if I don’t write for a while. Le sigh. I definitely am reconsidering this whole thing.

    On a side note, I kind of think the Zac Efron haircut on 20-year-old Exhibit A is cute. The expression, however, is not. And are guys REALLY using their webcam photos in their profiles? So lazy.

    • Le sigh indeed. Be suspicious of the sad emoticons, they could be his undoing! And it’s true, the Zac Efron cut could be cute, but I’m feeling like a judgmental cow lately. It could be my hormones 🙂

  7. STOP IT! That last dude seriously went there!? Well, he just coined the term “Creepster McCreepster” for himself. I do believe setting aside online dating for a few days may be a good idea, haha.

    And thank you for your kind comment left on my Curious George post. The compliment means a lot :)!

  8. David Gillaspie

    The asian food guy is a waiter taking a break before he starts cleaning up. His “imagine what that means for you” means you can hire him to clean up your place after a real date with someone else. Mr. Dim Sum indeed.

  9. Marcus

    Oh my! I’m officially depressed for you. I mean, what is a girl supposed to do when the working material, is so….uhm, lame?

    Yikes! I feel like running for the hills on your behalf after reading your posts of that you have to deal with all these fools.

  10. Oh Christ. Moron w/ the ring was bad. But the Asian food numb-nuts – I laughed out loud. Slightly happy that these things don’t just happen to me.

  11. Pingback: Ms. Top Five « Man-shopping in Paris

  12. Those…were amazing! I never want to be bitchy betty or demanding debbie but sometimes I think about putting instructions on my dating profile…like…how to be a man that won’t turn me off…or…how to operate a phone in a timely fashion (aka a 4 hour text message return window lol)…or other such advice…like how not to be a moron…

    But most importantly…do we think that guy just happens to have pictures of him with Asian food lying around to impress Asian ladies with…OR…is he on a whole ‘nother level and specifically took that photo just for you…aka…if I hit him up do you think he’ll drizzle himself with Maple Syrup?

    • ooo that is a brilliant idea! Maybe that will be my next experiment: I’ll post a how-to guide as my profile text.

      As for dim sum guy, I just don’t know. If he took that photo for me, I’d just… UGH. I’m shuddering right now. And if he… maple syrup… DOUBLE UGH. I can’t continue the thought.

      If Daniel Craig drizzled himself with maple syrup, that’s a whole other story.

  13. I was initially so distracted by creepy Asian food eater (seriously, going to a restaurant, having your picture taken with lots of food and sending that line to Asian women??? That’s a whole new kind of crazy. I wonder how many women he’s sent that too yeesh!) that I didn’t really think about “floppy hair boy” why is he making that face? Is that supposed to be alluring? Are you supposed to look at that and think “oh, yes at last I have found the guy of my dreams. I love it when kids make that angry, frightened, zombie face!”.

    • I honestly don’t know. He’d probably be a perfectly normal, attractive guy if it weren’t for that asstarded facial expression. I am perpetually baffled by the tomfoolery that passes for courtship these days.

  14. internet dating is just very common these days because people are mostly online today ::

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