Ms. Gym Stalker

Since the online man-products in my life have been so disappointing lately, I’ve found myself obsessively crushing on men at the gym.  And when I say “obsessively,” I’m not exaggerating in the least.

Gay Lover-Boy

He’s gay.

Damn.

But he’s adorable enough to get any lady’s fallopian tubes in a knot.  Since he’s one of the trainers, he has a flawlessly sculpted body that would’ve sent Adonis running to his plastic surgeon for a touch-up.  And now that I’ve worked out which sessions that he runs, it pretty much determines my gym schedule, my social schedule AND my work schedule.

I am always there.

Stalkerish?  Yes, I know.  Creepy?  Undoubtedly.  Sad?  Well… a little bit.

I just can’t help myself.  He’s GORGEOUS.

Sigh.

Caramel Concoction

He is exactly what his nickname suggests.

While my passion for chocolates is lukewarm at best, caramel has always been a weakness of mine.  And if caramel au beurre salé were to take on human form, it would look exactly like this delectable young man.  His skin is just… divinely caramel-like.

Caramel au beurre salé.  Sublime.When I first saw him, I wanted to lick him.

All over.

But try as I might, I can’t seem to get his attention.  He is apparently immune to my standing stretches, most of which entail my bum being on display for all the world to see.  So far, my inept eye-flirting has only succeeded in freaking him out a bit.  And when I tried to strike up a conversation with him the other day, he just looked terrified and scurried away toward the treadmills.

It’s always nice to know that a man finds you abhorrent.

The Dance Instructor

I’m not talking about ballerinas, tutus and cotton candy pink.

This man is well-versed in the art of street dancing.  Hip hop HOT, I tell you.  He just oozes coolness.  Those baggy trousers… that bangin’ upper body…

photo by © Gino Santa Maria

And white boy can MOVE, yo.

Which I find very, very sexy.

It also doesn’t help that he’s a big winker.  Every time he winks, I drool a little.  And sometimes I swoon a bit.

The other day, he was teaching us how to pop and lock to T-Pain’s “Take Your Shirt Off,” and he joked (with a wink, of course), “Hey, maybe I should.”  He grabbed the hem of his shirt, as if he really was about to rip it off.

My heart stopped.

And even though he didn’t strip down (tarnation!), that didn’t stop me from picturing his naked torso and drooling all over the place as I bent over to catch my breath.

Then I slipped on the drool puddle when I went to grab my towel.

I’m irresistible, aren’t I?

Final remarks

There is a great benefit to being obsessed with my gym crushes.  Thanks to them, I am motivated to hit the gym every day.  And thanks to them, I look great naked.  Too bad none of them will ever know that…

But despite that, my gym obsessions have made me realize the following not-so-flattering things about myself:

  • I am a creepy stalker who trolls the gym for man candy.
  • I still can’t eye-flirt.
  • Like my grade school days, I still have a knack for making the lads run away in horror.
  • I produce an inordinate amount of drool.  I wonder if I should get that checked out.

My gym crushes have most likely come to the same realizations about me.  And all three of them (especially Gay Lover-Boy!) are probably thinking the same thing every time they see me lurking around:

Next!

Gosh, it’s not so nice when I’m on the receiving end of that…

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30 Comments

Filed under Misses

30 responses to “Ms. Gym Stalker

  1. Hey, whatever motivates you, right? ‘Sall good. Cute post, lovely!

  2. I can confirm the hotness of all 3, gay boy is like a greek god but exudes no testosterone whatsoever. Caramel boy.. is YUM and dance boy is cute.

    What man shopper failed to mention is the cutie on reception that is in LOVE with her!

    • I’m steering well clear of reception cutie until I move and change gyms.

      Besides, I can’t really get myself worked up about him when I’m too busy obsessing about Gay Lover-Boy, Caramel Concoction and the Dance Instructor! I always want what I can’t have.

  3. This is fantastic. I’ve always wanted to know about the French gym scene. It must STINK in there! ahhahah!

    • I have heaps more to say about the French gym scene, I could write a novella. Describing the smell in the weightlifting area would take up a whole chapter. It’s almost as bad as the metro during rush hour on a midsummer afternoon. And don’t even get me started on the women that I meet at the gym…

  4. Alex

    You wouldn’t be surprised if I told you that I’ve used the same motivation to get myself into research archives to work on my dissertation. When Sarah at the Huntington is manning the request desk, I’m there from 8:30 til 5, no break.

    • I’m not surprised in the least. But who is Sarah?? I haven’t heard any mention of this Huntington goddess before…

      • Alex

        Sarah is one of the archivists who takes paging slips from the researchers. She wears a USC lanyard for her ID badge, is tall, I’m guessing Irish, and wears awesome nerdy glasses. And she smiles at me whenever I hand her requests.

        Alas, I leave the Huntington next week. But I’m going to New Orleans for a week to write chapters (ha!) and drink and eat at Jazzfest 🙂 If only I could pack Sarah in my travel bag.

  5. I am too weedy to pull in the gym. Supermarkets and long queues are my pulling haunts.
    *Plentymorefishoutofwater – One Man’s Dating Diary*

    • The last time I tried to flirt in a supermarket, I got hit in the face. (I wish that I were lying.) I’ve yet to try out pulling in a long queue though….

  6. When I go to the gym I sweat, my face turns bright red, and I have the fro-iest hair a white girl can have. I don’t even attempt to flirt or check out guys there. I hide under baggy clothes & work on being invisible. I think I might be a bit too good at the invisibility part though.

    http://www.ziazitella.wordpress.com

    • I wish that I could be more invisible sometimes. I’m a sweaty mess at the gym. But unfortunately, in terms of ethnic diversity at the gym, I’m afraid that I stick out by virtue of always being the token Asian. I guess Asian chicks don’t go to the gym here?

      • I find wearing excessively baggy clothes assists in the invisibility. Hiding all your light under a basket might help a little.
        I know what you mean though. When I lived in Japan and went to the gym I got my share of stares. But I think it was more fear of me kicking their ass, since my biceps out did their thighs.

      • benwtf

        I always wear headphones at the gym. Although it doesn’t make me the least bit invisible (or approachable), it kind of makes everyone else invisible to me. It’s a ‘if a tree falls in the woods..’ kind of concept.

        Scuba equipment or a sporting mascot outfit are my only other suggestions to hide your Asianess.

      • @Zia Zitella – Alas, I can’t wear excessively baggy clothes because I always manage to get tangled in my own clothes that way. And when I wore slightly baggy sweatpants the other day, they fell down during the workout. I managed to catch them before any butt-cheek was exposed, but just barely…

        And no doubt you’ve got some fierce biceps! Definitely an excellent wingwoman asset.

        @Ben – The scuba equipment suggestion is oddly tempting. How is it that you come so close to convincing me that this kind of stuff would be a good idea? Evil.

      • benwtf

        Certainly you are an intelligent and thoughtful woman, so I doubt you’re easily talked into doing anything.

        I get a sneaking suspicion that you’ve wanted to do all kinds of freaky stuff ever since you were a kid. I just present the options. The evil is already inside you. Go on, live free. Just be careful using flippers on the treadmill.

        Oh, and it is true I am a bit of an evil mastermind. Careful.

      • I’m not easily talked into doing normal things; I’m pretty immune to sales pitches. But scuba gear at the gym? There must be quite a bit of freaky inside me, itching to express itself through interpretive gym costumes. The flippers may pose a problem though, Dr. Evil. I’m fully capable of falling off the treadmill with or without the aid of cumbersome footwear.

      • benwtf

        I adore that you edited my post. Seriously, thank you. Sir-Chomps-a-lot is all yours.

        Also I was actually kicked out of school before I could finish my Ph.D. in Evil (oddly enough, for cheating off other students..go figure). So you’ll have so settle for calling me ‘Master’ of Evil. I think that sounds much more ominous anyway. 😉

      • Fantastic! Man-chopper and I are going to tear it up! In my case, figuratively, but I suppose that he really would literally tear up a lot of stuff.

        Well, Master of Evil, you do surprise me. According to all the comic books, evil masterminds always seem to have doctoral degrees. You break the mold! Master of Evil does sound much more ominous though. As if you rule all the other evil ones.

  7. Ah, so maybe that’s it. Maybe your clumsiness attracts attention and not the Asianess. Well, not as much.
    Rainy with a chance of butt-cheek is a good attention-getter.

  8. Let me assure you that you are indeed NOT alone in being creepy and stalkerish at the gym. I for one also lose myself and have been known to fall off of treadmills when faced with glorious men doing bicep curls directly in front of me. True Story.

    • hahaha, bicep curlers will be our downfall! Unfortunately, my gym’s treadmills aren’t strategically located for man-gazing. The stretching area, on the other hand…

  9. So what you’re saying is that the REAL reason I need to get to the gym is to snag hotties and work on my flirting skills (I have none!)…well shoot I’m convinced…get thee to the gymmery!

    This post was hilarious btw!

    • Thanks! Glad that you enjoyed it 🙂

      I firmly believe that gym could be essential to one’s dating life. It not only physically prepares you for sexcrobatics, should the need arise in the near future, but there’s heaps of guinea pigs for flirting experiments. You can test your techniques in a controlled environment before using them in the field.

      Obviously, I’m not field-ready yet.

  10. Ooooh gym boys! Even as a married woman I found myself watching certain gym employees (I’m married not dead). It’s got to be tough toget a good work out while looking good, I always look like hell warmed over, all red, hair frizzy, face shiney, large pit stains. I know, HOT and irresistible.

    I wonder if these dudes get hit on more than in other lines of work, like are they sort of stand-offish to discourage the masses of sweaty women that will undoubtedly hit on them in a given day?

    • I’m a big sweater myself, so I’m obviously in no position to be propositioning men at the gym. I just can’t help myself. And I’m sure that the trainers are used to getting fawned over. They’d be immune to anyone’s charms, including my considerably lacking charms!

  11. Pingback: Mr. Crew Team Captain « Man-shopping in Paris

  12. G*

    The stretching area is the right place for sure! I like to try and get women to do these sorts of mutual stretches I learned.

    My biggest problem is cause I’m kinda jacked and the few lean, fit Asian girls that go there are shy/scared.

    LOL at you drooling over the stickboy trainer there. Funny, he’s not even that lean.

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