Ms. Mac Lover

This story begins with the untimely demise of my iPod Touch.  It was an apocalyptic day.

But once I’d calmed down, I dragged myself out of my “deep depression” (aka chocolate-covered waffles) and booked myself an appointment at the Genius Bar.

For quite some time, my buddy, Andrew, has been encouraging me to go to the Apple Store to prowl for men and telling me that these fellow Mac-users would likely be great potential dates for me.

Andrew has a point.  Guy loves Macs.  I love Macs.  And we’d probably love each other!  Why?  Simple mathematics:

Let X = a saucy dame

Let Y = cute, bashful guy

Let ∑ = undying love for Apple products

Let Ω = a healthy dash of nerdiness

X + Y + ∑ + Ω = high potential for beautiful love story

The day of my appointment, I awoke with a spring in my step.  I put on my pretty face, put on some freshly laundered clothes, and made my way to the Apple Store.

As I approached the Genius Bar, I was overwhelmed by the collective nerdy hotness that was emanating from the Genii in their matching blue t-shirts.

I had found nerdvana.

When I was summoned to the counter — my heart fluttering with excitement — the greeter waved someone over and said, “Hey, I know you’re a computer guy, and she’s here for an iPod problem, but…”

As I was pulling my dead iPod out of my bag, I heard a deep voice say, “Oh, it’s no problem.  It’s all the same really.  I’ll take care of her.”

Thank god.  I couldn’t wait any longer to have my iPod fixed.  When I looked up, my eyes settled on the sexiest man-thing that I’d seen in a while.

It was as if the ultimate broad-shouldered fireman fantasy dressed himself up in nerd-chic glasses and an Apple Genius t-shirt…

Nerd-chic is so hot right now.

In other words, I placed my order with the universe, and the universe finally delivered it.

The glorious piece of nerd-candy reached his hand across the counter and said, “Hi, I’m Alexandre.”

Man-shopper’s brain – “Hubba hubba.”

Man-shopper’s mouth – “Euh…”

Man-shopper’s brain: “Say something witty!  Say something seductive!  Fuck it.  Say ANYTHING, dammit!”

Man-shopper’s mouth – “Hi.  I’m Helene.”

Man-shopper’s brain: “Nice going, nimrod.  Real Pulitzer material.”

Man-shopper’s mouth – (silently: Shut up, brain.)  “Thanks for seeing me even though you’re a technically a computer guy.  My iPod is very ill.”

Alexandre – “No, it’s my pleasure!”

Then he smiled.

And I swooned.

Thankfully, I managed to aim the swoon onto a stool.  It wasn’t graceful, but it was effective.

Apple Store, Paris

I took a couple of seconds to recover, and then proceeded to explain my iPod’s condition.  Alexandre verified that it was still under warranty, put his hand over mine (could he have felt my racing pulse, do you think??), and said, “No problem.  We’ve got you covered.  I’ll have a new iPod for you in a few minutes.”

I was head over heels.  Any man who gives me free Apple products is marriage material in my book.

I watched him as he searched around for my new iPod Touch.  The blue t-shirt was a snug fit on him, so I could admire the way his muscles as moved as he rummaged through drawers and opened boxes.  A few minutes later, he was handing me a new iPod and my receipt.

Man-shopper’s brain – “Oh no!  This means that our interaction is ending!  Quick, do something to prolong it!  FLIRT.”

Man-shopper’s mouth – “So that’s it?”

Man-shopper’s brain – “AAAAARGH.  You are such a dumbass.”

Alexandre – “Yes, it’s that easy!”  He smiled again.

Man-shopper’s brain – “Go on.  Ask him out, goddammit!  This is your chance!”

Man-shopper’s mouth – “Cool!  Thanks so much for your help, Alexandre.  Bye!”

Man-shopper’s brain: “You’re hopeless.”

Brain was absolutely right.  I let another dream-boat slip through my fingers because… well… I’m incompetent.  Right now, this is what my brain is saying:

“This Man-shopper fool is a waste of my good sense.  I need to find another body with a mouth that will actually listen to me.

Next!

I made another Genius Bar appointment for this week.  This time, Brain and I are going to have a serious strategy meeting before I go in there.

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30 Comments

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30 responses to “Ms. Mac Lover

  1. Alex

    Well it’s a good thing Apple uses cheap parts and factors in commonplace breakdowns for the warranties on their portable devices. Maybe you should get a first-generation iPad 🙂

    What’s your next Mac issue going to be when you visit Alexandre? Hopefully, it’s something completely bogus so he’ll realize what’s up and will ask you out instead!

    • My next Mac issue is totally bogus. I have Apple Care and I’m blatantly taking advantage of it. But you know me, I’m fairly savvy, but I’m about to go into the Apple Store because my computer has a crack on it. Somewhere. I may have to create one by Wednesday. Totally bogus, right?

  2. Zoë

    NOOOOOO!!!!

    Quick: Break your iPod and get back in there, now! 😉

    *sigh* I know all too often the dilemma of breaking through an ordinary sales transaction (coffee shop, Apple store, mechanic shop) and trying to flirt with the guy. Kind of difficult. What DO you say to someone you’re only going to interact with for a few minutes?

    • AGH exactly! My flirting skills already leave much to be desired, and combined with this impossible situation, I just don’t have a chance. If you have any ideas, let me know. And if I have any brilliant epiphanies myself, I will tell you straightaway!

  3. Apple? Pah. They’re all form over substance. You don’t want a form over substance fellow, do you? (Unless you’re talking about actual apples, of course. That’s a totally different thing. Big fan of apple crumble).

    Did rather love the brain/mouth interaction, though. That certainly seemed familiar!

    And I didn’t know that people actually swooned. I thought that that was all an invention of eighteenth century novelists or suchlike.

    • I love apples, edible or otherwise. But you’re right, they truly shine when they are forms that can dance a tango of apple awesome in my mouth. Mmmmm… apple crumble, apple pie, apple tart, apple flapjack, or even Apple Jacks (even though they don’t taste like apples, it’s the thought that counts).

      My brain and mouth are constantly at odds with each other. Things may escalate into full-scale war if they don’t figure out a way to get along soon. Any advice would be much appreciated!

      And as for swooning, those 18th century ladies undoubtedly had a tough time with their corsets. I have no such excuse. While I don’t do a full-on faint, my heart pounds out of control, and I get very light-headed and temporarily disorientated when I am in such a state of rapture — which means that I need to grab on to something/someone or, in the case of the Apple Store swoon, collapse into a stool. Or maybe I’m just vulnerable when I’m dehydrated?

      • As to advice – drink plenty of water! I don’t think that I’d be any use at advising you about the other things.

        If you want advice about apple crumble, however…

  4. ah, I was root’n for ya! but it happens. trust me. I know the story all too well.

    boy meets hot boy and sparks an erection but the boy doesn’t notice so they just exchange mouth-to-penis therapy in a nearby bathroom stall and walk out of each other’s life like nothing ever happened.

    Ah, l’amour.

  5. LOL nando. Yes we’ve all been here, though I didn’t know it happened in gay Paris.

  6. You write really well – I was hooked waiting to see what happened next.

    I am a geek and proud of it. Will be more proud when can go full-time online and product development. What I have found is that nerds/geeks are less socially savvy than other guys.

    Here is a strategy.

    Go back in thank him for all of his help. Get his business card. If you think you are still interested, call him or since you are the female (guys don’t do this or you are so woosy) sms him saying something like…

    Hi, my name’s … We met the other day when you helped me with… I am wondering if you are interested in catching up for a coffee. This is my number. Have a great day.

    Short, simple, if he’s interested, he’ll follow up. Although word of warning, if he does follow up, check if he’s single!!

    Now go and be brave. Then, let him do all the chasing or it would have been a waste of time! He is the hunter, you are the prey!

    • Thanks so much for the advice, Cathy J! I need all the help that i can get.

      I didn’t know that Apple Genii have business cards. In any case, I’ll hunt him down when I’m in there for my next appointment. I’ll not to do something stupid when I test out your script. I’ll have to rehearse it in the mirror because I’m smooth like that 🙂

  7. 1Y3

    Can you imagine how cute your story would be if you eventually ended up dating this guy? Find more reasons to demand his aid! Seriously, hahahaha.

    • I’ve a bogus problem with my laptop all lined up for my next appointment. I’m actually a little nervous now! I don’t think that I can ever date him now, the build-up is too great.

  8. ohhh…talk nerdy to me indeed!!!

  9. Your friend who mentioned the Apple store is a clever guy…I never thought of the Genius Bar as potential date material!
    Well, you may not run into him ever again, so just be bold and ask him out next time. (I say this, and I would totally be afraid to set foot in the store again. Sigh.)

    • My friend is indeed very clever. I just wish that I could have done his advice better justice by having a bit more follow-through. Hopefully I will do better next time.

      And hopefully the encounter won’t be so horrifically embarrassing that it will prevent me from visiting the Apple Store in the future. It’s the only one in Paris, and the only other location in France is hours away.

  10. NERDVANA.

    That is my new favorite word of the day!

    When you go back to the Apple Store next time you should channel your inner SituAsian. Ask yourself beforehand, “What would the SituAsian do?” and you’ll be fine.

  11. Mike Masters

    You are friggin’ hilarious.
    I want to put on a tight geeky apple shirt and my buddy holly glasses but I am afraid I am sounding needy and thus repelling you. 😦

  12. Funny, I have the same inner dialog when face to face with a real live Adonis. And like you, I hardly EVER listen to myself.

    Perhaps I should carry a flask in my purse at all times for just these occasions. Liquid courage on the go, if you will. However, I can see this backfiring and knowing my luck I’d probably overdue it. After imbibing too much “liquid courage” I’d end up asking out the guy arguing with a parking meter on Sunset Blvd. Again.

    • HAHA I hope that the guy at least WON his argument with the parking meter!

      Liquid courage is a good idea. I may pre-game my next Genius Bar appointment. Sigh, it’s come to this.

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  14. Well, i learned sunday is not a good day to go to the apple store. There are more employees than customers there, which means mini packs of hot nerds. While i enjoy the eye candy it makes it WAY to intimidating to even consider asking a guy out or giving them your number.

  15. Fear not manshopper, I have a plethora of apple products nearing destruction mode. I shall feign blonde American tourist, you can be my translator. Plus-think of how intelligent you can come across if I put on the dumb-blonde shoes I used to get us free champagne?

    • No amount of dumb-blonde shoes and that infamous red lipstick will make me sound intelligent when I tell him that my F7 key is INSIDE THE COMPUTER. I doubt that saying that will get me any free champagne…

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