Ms. Speed Dater (Part 2)

For those of you who missed my first attempt at speed dating (or “soft dating,” as they say here in Paris), you can catch up here.  It was a complete failure, and I was hoping that attempt #2 last night would fare better.

Well, “better” is a strong word.  The only way that last night’s speed dating was “better” was the fact that I actually got to go speed dating this time.

In every other way, this attempt #2 was much worse.


I was excited about speed dating at first.  If anything, it was going to be a change of pace.  Literally.

When I stepped off the metro, I felt great.  I’d just had a nice steam and sauna at the gym, so I felt relaxed and confident.  And most importantly, I had lip gloss on.  So I felt like a wanton dating goddess.  (Lip gloss doesn’t have this effect on everyone, but that’s what it does to me, so don’t you judge me.)

After a greeter seated me, I scoped out the man scene.  None of them set my loins astir until the last two guys arrived.  I zeroed in on the broad-shouldered one  (I’m a shoulders/arms kind of gal).

The greeter told him to take one of the last two empty seats.  One was in front of me, and the other one was across from the most busted chick in the room.  (I’m not saying this to be mean.  I’m just stating a fact, based on hair, skin, makeup, body, fashion sense, and overall upkeep.  So don’t get your knickers in a twist.)

Mr. Shoulders locked eyes with me, and when I smiled…

… he made a beeline for the seat across from Ms. Busted.

I felt mildly disappointed and highly insulted.  I quickly checked myself in a mirror.  Nope, no warts, no scales, no horns…  Yup, lip gloss was still fabulous.  What the hell, man?

I suppose that it didn’t matter where he sat, since he would end up in front of me at the end of the speed dating round.  But still.  My ego hurt.

And so the speed dating began…

Date #1 – Matthieu

Matthieu was kind of cute.  I just hadn’t noticed at first because he came in with Mr. Shoulders.  Matthieu seemed nice enough (I felt no desire to run away, rip his face off, or vomit.)  His only problem was that he suffered from what I’ve talked about in previous posts: munchkinosis.

He was small enough to fit in the pocket of a petite, 5’3″ Asian woman.

But it was all downhill from there.  If it’s any indication, Matthieu was the ONLY guy that I put down as a “yes” in the end — if only to avoid coming away from this whole misadventure with no date at all.

Date #2 – Chan

Chan wasn’t hideous, but his French was incomprehensible.  I just sat there looking at him blankly as he struggled to form simple sentences.  It turned out that he was Indian, so we continued our date in English.

This didn’t make things much better.  Now that I could finally understand him, he was so boring that I preferred it when he was speaking gibberish.  Chan was proof that ten minutes is FAR too long for a speed date.

This also begged the question, why the hell would you go speed dating in Paris if you don’t speak a damn word of French?!

Date #3 – Charly

Charly just sat there in silence after introducing himself and kept scanning the room — as if he were on the lookout for something/someone better.


Date #4 – Gauthier

Gauthier was a troll.  When he sat down, I had to suppress a shudder.

And he was obviously ill at ease and suffering from a severe case of verbal diarrhea.  Even worse, with his word speed of about 592 words per minute, I didn’t understand a damn thing that he said.

His speech impediment didn’t help either.

Date #5 – Gwenaen

I think we wasted a full three minutes or so as he tried to tell me how to spell and pronounce his name.  Unfortunately, that was the highlight of this date.



And he was wearing a t-shirt with suspenders painted on them.


Date #6 – Christophe

Another look-around douche.

And dumb as soup.

Date #7 – Jugo

Jugo was a Yugoslav Steve Urkel with bad teeth and even worse fashion sense.  When he first said his name, I thought that his name was Gustave.  Oops.

It could have been a great bonding/funny moment if this guy weren’t such a spastic fool.  Everything he said was punctuated with such over-exuberant body movements that he almost fell out of his chair a few times.  He, too, suffered from verbal diarrhea, and he thought that everything he said was riotously funny.  It was as if he was on a date with himself, the way he laughed at his un-funny jokes.

If you could play back my thought process during this date, you’d hear, “Shut up.  Shut up.  SHUT UP.  Shut UP.  ShutupgoddammitshutupwhyareyoustilltalkingshutUP.”

Date #8 – Sylvain

He was Pee Wee Herman.  He had those same, creepily rouged/rosy cheeks.

Pee Wee Herman terrified me as a child.

Enough said.

Date #9 – Mr. Shoulders

Speed date #9 was SUPPOSED to be with Mr. Shoulders, the one guy that I was excited to speed date.  But he left early before the round ended.

Of course he did.

The universe hates me.


Bottom line: I paid 15 euros to drink one glass of wine and watch grown “men” drink cocktails with glowsticks and/or umbrellas.

What a waste of lip gloss.

This wanton dating goddess will save her lip gloss for more worthwhile endeavors.

Next, please.



Filed under Misses

41 responses to “Ms. Speed Dater (Part 2)

  1. And this is why I would never go on a speed date.

    • People always tell me, “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.” At least now I’ve earned the right to knock it, right? The question is: was it worth it? No one ever says, “It’s totally worth it to try it so that you can justifiably knock it.”

  2. Oh my god. That sounds like a major Troll Fest!
    Except for Jugo. That guy sounds like a babe. Bad Teeth + Steve Urkel’s wardrobe: HOTTTT.

    (On the upside-it probably was good that this was “speed dating” -can you imagine going on full length dates with some of these guys?! My lord.)

    • Ah yes, Jugo was quite the catch. Steamingly HOT.

      And you do have a point. At least the hosts/enforcers made everyone move after ten minutes. But ten minutes was still far too long.

      However, the hosts were all hot. What’s up with that?! I caught myself drooling over them in between speed dates.

  3. Alex

    Well at least you tried it, right? Now you can tell everyone how much it sucked and spare your friends the “Wow, I’m really scraping the barrel” feeling. Such a horrible, horrible feeling.

    I cancelled my account (which, by the way, you encouraged me to start!) after a very similar experience. I think this is karma 😉

    • Dude, just because you had one bad Meetup experience, you can’t be blaming that on me! I’ve had fun at Meetup events, so I was just trying to share the love 🙂 I do NOT need any more bad karma in my life.

  4. Mr. Shoulders left early?! Now, that’s just not fair…

  5. darling it’s time for a return to the states. take someone like urbandater. when people say ‘they know a guy,’ he’s the guy they know. you’ll never see him drink anything with an umbrella in it, or use the word ‘putain’ except to make fun of frenchmen ,-)


    • I’m so excited to go back this May! All my beer training from the Midwesterners and the English is going to waste here. I’ll be glad to leave all the “putains” behind me for a while. Although this could mean that I will be doing quite a bit of beer-fogged blogging and tweeting.

  6. Jo

    I think that sounds hilariously fun. Wanna go in new york city with me?

  7. T-Shirt with suspenders – and you didn’t hit that?

  8. Julie

    10 minutes?! Can the French not get anything right?! It’s 5 mins max, 10 is torture!

    • Torture indeed. Never before have I ever felt one drink to be so woefully inadequate. The French have managed to muck up yet another self-evident concept: the speediness of speed dating.

  9. I’m in for the next one! xx

  10. After hosting these things, I’m not surprised. Sigh. Sorry it seems to suck even worse in Paris. Well…I would say about 40% of the time you have a decent crowd, so don’t write it off completely. (And to be fair, some of the women at these things are a little crazy, not just the dudes.)

    But don’t do the speed dating in the dark thing. Eek.

    • Hmmm, I’ll take your expert advice and give speed dating another shot sometime. Maybe I’ll run into Mr. Shoulders again! And yes, I’m not surprised at the woman-crazy at these things. My competition at the even this week was… Well… I didn’t really have competition, let’s just put it that way.

      Speed dating IN THE DARK?!?! That sounds… terrifying. Have you organized one of these?

      • Ben

        Terrifying indeed. At the very least, I would expect to be chloroformed and dragged out a side exit only to wake up in a strange hotel room bathtub with a missing kidney. I guess if Man-shopper gets desperate enough (or Man-chopper gets hungry enough), you might want to give it a shot.. just try to be gentle.

      • Man-chopper is always hungry for fresh men to chomp on. I, however, seem to be able to go for long periods of time without any nourishment in that department. While I don’t see speed dating in the dark in my future, I’ll send my trusty sidekick out as my representative as long as he picks up some pastries on the way home.

  11. Speed dating in the dark? Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “blind date”…

    • It does indeed. If I had to choose the lesser of these two evils, I’d go for the traditional blind date. At least the blindness is only temporary. And thanks to facebook, you rarely ever go in completely blind.

      And how do you change seats in the dark without falling on your face, I wonder?

  12. This is why I’ve never tried speed dating. The whole experience just sounds horrifying. The chances of me actually liking one out of nine (well, eight) dudes is slim (I rarely like anyone – it’s a problem). Can’t bring myself to pay $40 to be tortured for what, 90 minutes? Oyyyyyy. At least you got a funny blog post out of it 🙂

    • It was difficult for me to motivate myself to go speed dating, I assure you. Up until I slapped on that lip gloss, I was feeling pretty negative about the whole thing. It’s too bad that the experience ended up dashing my post-lip-gloss high hopes. But in the end, you’re right. Thank goodness for blogging!

  13. Ouch. Good lip gloss going to waste is a sin in my book. I think you dodged a bullet with Mr Shoulders. Sounds like he was the douchiest of them all!

    Have never done speed dating. It terrifies me. Reading your post, I am even more terrified. Oh, and (from comments), every time I go to a meetup thing, I end up getting followed around by some weirdo guy. May have to cancel that one.

    • You’re probably right. Mr. Shoulders was a douche for leaving early. Oh, but his SHOULDERS…

      I’ve vowed to give speed dating another chance. (It can’t be as bad as this misadventure. ) You should too so that I can feel like less of a crazy person 🙂

      Am I the only one who has fun at meetup events? Maybe I just don’t notice the weirdo follower behind me?

  14. This post reinforces why I don’t go on speed dates.

    Feeling your pain on this one girl. So sorry about Shoulders leaving early after you sat through 8 bad dates to get to him.

    And what kind of name is Gwenaen anyway?

    • I’m still scratching my head about Gwenaen. I’m pretty sure that he told me the origins of his name, but unfortunately (or fortunately??) I just wasn’t paying attention to anything that he was saying. Douche move, I know, but he was SO BORING.

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  16. So, what was the problem?!? HAHA

    All kidding aside, I can understand the disappointment in wasted lipgloss. It’s like shaving thinking you are going to get some action only to realize that you knicked your knee (twice) for nothing because your period just started and the “date” ended up getting cancelled because of it.

    No, that totally didn’t happen to me last Friday night at 7pm…why would you even ask?

  17. So, what was the problem?!? Haha

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  19. Next time wear a cape and tell guys you have a superpower. then let them spend ten minutes guessing what it is.
    best guess gets a date.
    maybe i should come with you in a dinosaur costume….

    • The costume probably won’t get us past the dress code thing, but when I go speed dating again with Lady C, the superpower question is definitely on the table. What have I got to lose? I left my dignity in a gutter on a college campus years ago.

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