Ms. Perv-Magnet

I’ve come to the realization that I am a lucky, lucky lady.  It’s been over four months since I signed up on the adopteunmec dating website, and I have not once experienced any the following undesirable situations, all of which people assure me are common occurrences on the site.

As an online-dater, I have never been

  • sent photographs of his ass;
  • sent photographs of his penis;
  • asked for skype sex;
  • sexted;
  • sent any lewd, inappropriate, or otherwise non-G-rated electronic messages of any kind.

Therefore, I must conclude that there must be something about my profile that deters these fuckers in the first place.

So for the past month, I have been conducting side experiments to answer this question: what will it take to attract pervy internet prowlers?

Thus began Operation Perv-Magnet.

********

EXPERIMENT #1

I erased all the text in my profile except “American in Paris”

That means that the man-products don’t know that I work in academia, they don’t know that I like crosswords, and they don’t know that I am looking for someone with “intelligence, humor, ambition, and sincerity.”

RESULT:

The traffic on my profile increased five-fold.  I received three times as many charms per day as I did before.  I saw an increase in the number of emotional and pathetic messages.

Overall, an interesting result, but no pervy messages or pictures as I had hoped.

********

EXPERIMENT #2

I slutted it up

I kept the rest of my profile blank, but I filled out the questionnaire section about my sexual preferences — everything from my favorite type of panties to my sexual position of choice.  I was very methodical; I just ticked every single box.

I actually checked so many items that the system refused to acknowledge all of them and kept dropping a bunch of them from my profile.  It was some sort of system bug, and I gave up trying to resolve the issue.

Needless to say, I learned some choice vocabulary from all this…

RESULT:

My profile traffic doubled.  No surprise there.

But the most entertaining outcome of this experience: so many messages that I received included some variation of: “I was attracted to you after reading your profile.”

However, still no perviness!

After all the work I put into sluttifying my profile, this was disappointing, to say the least.

n.b.  Scroll down to the end of this post for the French-English vocabulary breakdown… in case you’re curious or in case you actually need to know.

********

EXPERIMENT #3

I went blonde

After the failure of Experiments #1 and #2, I had to pull out all the stops.

I changed my primary profile picture to one in which I was dressed as Marilyn Monroe for Halloween.

In other words, this Asianista went trashtastically platinum.

After many drinks, this also doubled as my Tila Tequila costume... And no, I won't post that picture here.

RESULT:

My blonde profile picture only lasted 24 hours before it was taken down by adopteunmec’s site administration.  Apparently, my photo was flagged for one or more of the following reasons:

  • “it does not look like me compared to my other photos”
  • “it is not an accurate representation”
  • “it contains provocative material”

I was miffed.  But highly amused at the same time.  Provocative?  Who, me?  Or that blonde tart in the photo?

Although Experiment #3 was cut short because some asswad reported me to the authorities, I was at least able to gather some data during the 24 hours that my blonde profile was active.

My profile traffic definitely saw a significant boost, and I did receive quite a number of messages in which the man-products extolled my lovely “hair.”

Men do love blondes.

However, I did not achieve the intended goal of attracting internet riffraff.  Operation Perv-Magnet failed yet again.

********

CONCLUSION

Short of begging for pervy pictures in my profile, I did my best to bring out the pervs.  Therefore I must conclude that I may inherently be a perv-deterrent — regardless of whatever my profile says or looks like.

I know that this is a good thing.

So why am I a little disappointed?

Because I am a bored singleton with a twisted sense of humor.

Oh well.  On to the next… non-perv…

*********************************************

Sexcabulary à la française

boules de geisha [f.] – geisha balls obviously, but also known Ben Wa balls… if you don’t know what these are, here’s a link to a tame wikipedia article

chantilly [f.] –  whipped cream (yum… lactose intolerance, bite me.)

chocolat [m.] – (m.) come on, we’ve all seen that Johnny Depp movie

cordes [f.] – rope

cravache [f.] – whip

foulards [m.] – scarves

fruits et légumes [m.] – fruits and veg (still can’t believe that I ticked that box)

gode [m.] – dildo (the word is ugly regardless of language)

huiles de massage [f.] – massage oils

lingerie [f.] – seriously, virgins and pre-pubescents, stop reading my blog

menottes [f.] – handcuffs

petites culottes en dentelle [f.] – skimpy, lacy panties

sous-vêtements coquins [m.] – racy underwear

soutien gorge [m.] – bra

string en dentelle [m.] – lacy thong

vibro [m.] – vibrator (actually learnt this word ages ago after an embarrassing mistake with the mobile phone guy at Orange)

side note: It’s interesting to see which items are masculine and which are feminine…  Also, dear francophone readers, let me know if I got anything wrong.

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32 Comments

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32 responses to “Ms. Perv-Magnet

  1. “Fruits and veg” – HAHA.

  2. Genius! Although the fact that you got more comments when your profile was blank, really makes me nervous about the male species.

    One question: did you use the same profile the entire time? Like could they have seen it before you changed it?

    Rock on!

    • I used the same profile the entire time. But the system is set up so that guys who have sent me charms in the past cannot RE-send me charms. So each of these “studies” deal with a brand-new shipment of test subjects each time.

      My profile is now back to pseudo-normal now. I still have a blank profile text section in order to cast a wide net, but I took off all the naughty sexo preferences. Back to business as usual!

  3. If I remember correctly, your previous research showed that to attract the pervbags all you had to do was take the metro. Be careful what you wish for…

    • You’re right! There are plenty of pervs on the metro. I suppose that I was just feeling left out because I never experience the internet variety of pervbag. Well, there’s always chat roulette…

  4. If you’re simply looking for pervs, I can certainly recommend a website to you. You could post a picture of a dead otter and guys would still send you pics of their junk saying, “I like your profile. I think we’d really connect if we met.”

  5. If you’re simply looking for pervs, I can certainly recommend a website to you. You could post a picture of a dead otter and guys would still send you pics of their junk saying, “I like your profile. I think we’d really connect if we met.”

    Add, rinse, delete.

    • I’d be interested if you are familiar with this dead-otter-picture-for-manjunk-picture exchange due to first-hand experience or hearsay. Or are you just a connoisseur of all things pervy?

      • Ben

        I’ve gotta say, both. I have seen and done unspeakable things. Unspeakable.

        But, I can still type about it to my heart’s content. 🙂

  6. Bullet point comment here we go!

    1) For some reason I love that the heading is called SEXO
    2) Reading the different definitions was pretty hilarious. I learned French as a kid & have pretty much only ever used it in school or professional situations so most of these words were new to me, ha!
    3) I laughed out loud when I read “fruits et legumes”
    4) The fact that the photo was flagged was also pretty humorous/bizarre. What if that WAS your real hair? Wouldn’t that be considered discrimination?! (haha)
    5) I seem to be a pervert magnet…for example, a few years ago, while @ a friend’s birthday, someone unknown male guest “borrowed” my camera when I wasn’t paying attention and took a bunch of photos of his ‘bait and tackle’. I found out about these photos when my MOM picked them up from the film developing place (!). I wish I had some tips for you–I’m still trying to figure out why this kind of stuff happens to me!

    • 1) An interesting side note: while women’s profiles have a SEXO section, the men on the site have no such tab. A little backward, I think, to assume that we ladies aren’t just as curious!

      2) Yay! Now my blog can be considered “educational.”

      3) Me too. I think that it’s my favorite criterion.

      4) There’s a good chance that whoever flagged my photo could have been a guy that I snubbed. What a lame revenge.

      5) Maybe it’s time to conduct some empirical research yourself on the perv-magnetism 😉

  7. I think being reported me to the sites authorities is the coolest cred ever! That alone should get you hot dates! great post as always hon:)

  8. the best online profiles are written to simultaneously attract and repel certain types of individuals. clearly you’ve managed to do this, albeit unintentionally. one question; for favorite sexual position you clicked ‘other.’ Care to elucidate…?

    xo
    jfb

    • haha, the “other” was my only option since the system wouldn’t let me check multiple boxes. The other options were the following: missionnaire, 69, levrette, sodomie, cuillère, and Andromaque. I just could not, in good conscience, select only one.

      So I chose “other” instead.

      Maybe I should add these positions to the sexcabulary section, now that I think about it. It’s useful terminology…

  9. You had me at ‘sodomie…’

    heheheheheheh
    jfb

  10. WOW. this post was a tour de force. And that is French for….orgy? Vis a vis, here’s an interesting online dating factoid on Huff Post – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/21/online-dating-tips-pictur_n_431674.html

    • Yay, my post is an orgy! My blog is getting more action than I am, and I’m okay with it.

      That article has forced me to rethink my entire approach to online dating. Once I find my digital camera, a lucky friend will have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to snap my portfolio of saucy profile photos. I am indebted to you!

  11. My dearest un-perv magnet, kudos for launching three cogent strategies for trapping pervs, but did you not think of the obvious?

    Boobs, m’lady. Boobs. Skin to win. Ya gotta show it. Men don’t READ. Especially pervy men.

    Flaunt some epic cleavage or a shot of the girls in a thin tank top in winter (or someone else’s girls, or Photoshopped girls) and soon your inbox will be overflowing with dick pics.

    Now, get cracking and report back!

    • Good god, you’re right! I can’t believe that I never thought of boobing it up. Wow, huge brain fart.

      This is going to take some skillful Photoshopping on my part. I may have to outsource…

      • I would have suggested that, but I was too busy thinking about discovering fire, clubbing my dinner and boobs.

        I completely agree that cleavage will draw a crowd. Draw on that caveman part of men and show some upper/lower breast OR butt-cleavage (if the former doesn’t work for you)

      • I’ll most likely have to photoshop my butt cleavage onto my chest. That would entail taking a photo of my butt cleavage. This whole operation suddenly got a little more complicated.

  12. I was actually going to mention Chatroulette for a pervy good time. Actually, there is a new Chatroulette dating site being rolled out…stay tuned.
    Maybe you went too “whore” on the whole Madonna/ Whore balance guys like to see. Try a red wig next time?

    • A red wig sounds tempting. I’ve always had a thing for red-headed girls. However, I’m not sure that it would go with my skin. This is a great excuse to go play around at the wig shop.

  13. Boobs. Surefire. (*)(*) (<–that's right…I DID just use punctuation for a higher purpose)

  14. Perhaps bending over in a low cut shirt and pushing your boobs together while making the “duckface” is the way to go, oh and make sure there is a dildo on your nightstand in the background.

    Fruit and veg section?!?!?! Um isn’t mention of sex toys sufficient? Thats truly disturbing. And I LOVE that you checked that box. I’d be pissed that men dont have a similar box, what’s that about? How will you ever know if you’re sexually compatible?!?!?

    • Pushing my boobs together certainly is the least work-intensive option here. It beats photoshopping my butt cleavage onto my chest, that’s for sure. Now, which one of my lucky friends is going to have the privilege of taking THAT picture?

      Not sure why the men don’t have a SEXO section. Perhaps I’ll write to management…

  15. I will kindly let you live vicariously through me. I’m a total giver like that 😉

  16. I love that your blonde photo was flagged. I suggest to wear the wig on a date you sense will be particularly horrendous. But don’t mention it at all, just wait and see what happens.
    God I love case studies.

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