Mr. Craigslist

Every once in while, a suitor arrives from the most random places.  Today’s idiot du jour first came to my attention when I received a random text out of the blue from an unfamiliar number.  To be perfectly frank, when I first read his text, the shock and panic that raced through my brain made my heart plunge through my big mess of internal organs and go “kerplunk” somewhere alongside my fallopian tubes.

I’ve reproduced the entirety of my interactions with Mr. Craigslist below, word for word, including his misspellings.  The transcript speaks for itself, so I’ll make no further introduction.

Sunday, 16 May 2010

19:13

hi

Are you man shopper ?

Man-shopper’s brain: Oh FUCK.

One of my past dates has discovered my blog.  My evil ways are finally catching up to me.

Oh FUCKityFUUCK.  What am I going to do??  I haven’t had time to draw up a plan of action for this scenario?  Will he be mean to me?

Wait, I’m brutal on my blog.  He’s probably curled up in fetal position in a mental institution somewhere because he read my write-up on his courtship skills.

Oh god, I could be in trouble.

Man-shopper’s phone: Who is this?

19:14

Seen you’re add on CL

Man-shopper’s brain: Shit.  I know that Ryan likes to joke about posting an advert in my name in the Craigslist personals section.  I can’t believe that she actually went through with it.  I swear, I’m going to kill her and steal her dog.

19:17

You said it’s hard to date a french boy can’t figure why: you’re pretty !!!

Man-shopper’s brain: I hate when people spout this kind of drivel.  Pretty girls who are also intelligent are single because they have the good sense to be discerning.  Just because we’re pretty doesn’t mean that we’ll date any dumb shit that asks us out.

Wait, Ryan would NEVER give some creep my phone number.  So who in bloody hell is this fool?

Man-shopper’s phone: Who is this??

19:18

Clement from paris

Man-shopper’s brain: Like that’s supposed to mean something to me?

Idiot.

(Side note: As it turns out, this guy came across my blog when I used my WordPress account to post pictures and descriptions of some items that I was selling on Craigslist.  Needless to say, I’m never going to do that again.)

19:23

Could be nice to meet you

Man-shopper’s brain: I’d rather eat glass.

Man-shopper’s phone: Hah. Send me a CV and a picture, and we’ll see.

19:41

Any email adress ?

Man-shopper’s brain: I’m totally going to regret doing this…

Man-shopper’s phone: manshopping.blog@gmail.com

19:44

What is your name young lady ?

Man-shopper’s brain: Umm… no.  Just… NO.

19:50

I sent a pic

Man-shopper’s brain: Wow.  I didn’t think that he’d actually take me seriously.  Let’s take a look at his picture… AAHHHH!  MY EYES!!!!  MY EYES ARE BURNING!  OH GOD CLOSE THE WINDOW AND MAKE IT STOP!

Maybe that’s too mean.  But he still looks like a creep.  I shudder.

20:05

Did you receive it ?

Man-shopper’s brain: Jesus.  The word “desperate” doesn’t even begin to cover it.

21: 16

Oui ?

Man-shopper’s brain: What the fuck?

21:26

Did you try to call me ?

Man-shopper’s brain: What. The. FUCK.

If I grew an extra hand, which reached around the back of my chair to open my purse, retrieve my phone, and dial his number while my two primary hands were using a knife and fork to cut through my confit de canard and potatoes… then perhaps calling him may have been possible.

But even then… NO.

What a sad, pathetic little creep.

21:40

Good evening beauty

Man-shopper’s brain: Dude, if a brain could vomit…

Monday, 17 May 2010

9:36

Bonjour beauté

Man-shopper’s brain: Has this shite ever worked on anyone?!

He really needs to have his head checked out.  Either that, or have it put through a blender.  At least blending his brain to bits would be an improvement on the current arrangement of his brain cells.

23:15

This time, instead of a text, I got this in my EMAIL inbox.  Are you ready for some MAJOR COURTSHIP?  Are you sure?  OK, here it is:

good evening…

Man-shopper’s brain: You’ve got to be kidding me.

23:42

And now we’re back to texting. This time, he breaks out the big guns:

Good nite

Man-shopper’s brain: GOOD GOD.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As you may have noticed from this transcript, Man-shopper’s phone was noticeably silent after a certain point.  Mr. Craigslist sent all these messages of his own accord, unprovoked by any encouragement on my part.

Furthermore, the man is, by all accounts, a colossal asstard.

He never even sent me his CV.  I wasn’t joking, dammit.  A girl’s got to have some sort of screening process for Craigslist creeps that accost her via text.

I wish that I could say more, but that pretty much sums it up.

NEXT!

Oh.  And one more thing.

Clément, if you’re reading this, go away.

No, really.  Leave me alone.

Forever.

Thank you.

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37 Comments

Filed under Misters

37 responses to “Mr. Craigslist

  1. oh manshopper, how you attract them….

    1. If you do kill me, I suppose it’s only fair that you steal my dog as she would be in good care-though I must warn you her attitude has grown increasingly bitchy Parisian in the past two months.

    2. I appreciate the acknowledgment that I would NEVER give out your phone number to a creepy man. I may encourage you to give it out for a good story, but would not do so without several drinks encouraging our drunken debauchery.

    3. Clement, if you are reading this: ecoute man! she’s right-you’re an asstard. Not only that, if a woman had sent as many texts as you just did-the man would deem her terminally insane.

    Over and out, menacing behavior to return to.

    • 1. You know that I’d only steal Indy under very dire circumstances. For example: if you married a Russian gangster-warlord-drugdealer and moved to St. Petersburg to be his trophy wife. Stuff like that.

      2. Our drunken debauching is sorely missed. Paris has been sadly undebauched Paris hasn’t been the same without you. However, the boredom and lack of debauchery in my life were partly responsible for my emergence on the blogging scene, so thank you for that 😉

      3. Amen.

      Happy menacing.

  2. Yikes, you shouldn’t give your personal information out this easy.

    Congratulations on your new stalker.

    • Yes, Jimmy, I now know better than to throw my phone number around Craigslist. I’ve never had a problem with it before, but my karma has never been so messed up as it’s been during the last five months.

      Ah well, you live, you learn…

  3. Alex

    It’s like a conversation if there were two Karls….

  4. All of that, from 4 text messages from you? Wow, I’m hoping you never run into Creepy Clement on the streets of Paris, as I’m sure that would be the last we’d see or hear of you.

    Oh to be a pretty little thing with a fabulous ass in Paris *sigh*

    • I really hope that I don’t run into Creepy Clément in the street. I’m now wary of all short bald men. I mean, more wary than usual at least.

  5. Will we get to see this picture? I mean, he already knows about the site, right?

    • I tried posting his picture at first, but it kept messing up the formatting of the post. I’ll try again later tonight to re-insert it for your viewing pleasure!

  6. Oh. my. God.

    You must tell me what you did in a past life to attract all of the Fucktards of the world.

    • Serial killer. Must be.

      • CoatMan, you’re probably right. In my past life, it’s highly likely that I did the following things:
        – murdered dozens of innocent people
        – stoned puppies to death
        – destroyed rainbows
        – stole sweets from small children
        – ate small children

      • How does one destroy a rainbow…?

      • I’m not sure how one destroys rainbows, but I’m sure that past-life-Man-shopper found a way. I imagine that it would probably involve snuffing out all the light and goodness in the world. Yes, that sounds about right.

  7. Izzie

    Well, at least this Craiglister is just desperate. I recently encountered the king of all internet creeps.

    Background: Against better judgment, I signed up for online dating. Within minutes of my profile completion, I got a message like this:

    your smile is sweet and intoxicating. I look at those breathtaking eyes and I know that I will definitely have sweet dreams tonight. The pics that you uploaded on here only tells me that angels live among us. Forgive my picture taking abilities/skills or lack thereof. I don’t photograph well, or at least I should have hired a pro. i know that if u meet me in person, i would look a whole lot more pleasant. i promise it!

    ur so beautiful
    u look so angelic
    u look so sweet, u look thrilling
    your lips, ur skin, ur smile, ur radiant complexion
    ur beauty keeps me from waking up
    i can imagine when u stare at me like that, my heart keeps on beating

    im not surprised if u heard those before. ur absolutely breathtaking. i hope that we can meet soon.

    • One assumes that poor Izzie is still scrubbing her skin with lye…eesh.

      I do not understand the whole calling women “Beauty” thing that some men do. This is generally creepy, and will make me hate you. Stop doing this. For real.

      • “i know that if u meet me in person, i would look a whole lot more pleasant.”

        Oh god, he’s a heinous troll, isn’t he??

        Winner all around. Yay for online creeps.

  8. Is it so terribly wrong to enjoy reading your posts so much that I look forward to the next time that you are chased by the most socially inept idiot risen from the sewers of Paris?

    • It isn’t so terribly wrong. It’s probably more twisted that I, myself, look forward to the next fuckwit to harass me — just so that I can laugh and write about it 🙂

  9. I forgot to add that this guy is so awkward I feel like putting a paper bag on my face it is that embarrassing.

  10. I’m with Izzie…desperate rather than creepy. He did send a picture after all…unless it really wasn’t him. But it sounds like it was. He would have sent a fake model headshot if he was really creepy, just to make sure you were interested.
    Anyway, on to the next…

    • Always on to the next… I’m beginning to wonder: after saying “NEXT!” too many times, what is the likelihood that I circle back to my first Parisian date?

      Oh god, what a horrible thought.

  11. He’s totally going to read this post. And he’s totally going to keep texting you.

    • HAHA

      Fortunately, his texting appears to have abated for now. I’d like to think that it was thanks to this post, but I don’t want to toot my own horn…

  12. I feel slightly sad for this dude, but COME ON. If he’d actually met you on the street and acted like this it would be bad enough, but just from stopping by your blog? Wow. That’s a whole new level of desperate…

    Clement is probably reading your blog now from his mother’s basement…

  13. HAHA! What a delightful romp inside the brain of Man Shopper. Joyce couldn’t do any better. I would edit one thing at the end:
    Clément, if you’re reading this, go away.

    No, really. Leave me alone.

    Forever.

    Fuck you.

  14. “Dude, if a brain could vomit…”

    You should trademark some of these zingers, my dear.

    The Craiglist Creeper. Now you have me even more paranoid about giving out any of my personal information just as I’m trying to sell stuff online. Thanks. 🙂

    • Give in to the paranoia… There was this guy who hugged and sniffed my futon before he bought it, and then then he told me that he wanted to buy it because it smelled like me. I’m just glad that HE didn’t abuse my phone number. But I wonder what could have ensued if he had.

  15. I really enjoyed your article and would like to know if I provide a link back to your site.

  16. Omg, that would totally freak me out. I kind of fear for the day that some weirdo will approach me and say “are you skinny dip?”. Actually last week I had an ex that I haven’t spoken to in 6 years contact me to let me know that he’s been reading the blog for…3 months (!!!) and recently he’d read about himself (I called him a “selfish lover” ha!). Then he “thanked me” for “not tearing him to shreds”. I thought “selfish lover” was pretty bad but oh well. Also kind of funny that he read that post and correctly identified himself, HA!

    But yes, this craigslist guy is WACK. Nothing says desperado like the one-sided text conversation.

  17. Oh, man. This guy reminds me of my “Preacher” situation. Kindred souls you and I.

    http://www.ziazitella.wordpress.com

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