Mr. Denial

Since my last post from Boston, I’ve relocated to Ithaca, NY for my sister’s graduation.  While I am thrilled to be here for her commencement activities, all this family stuff has temporarily put a stop to my man-shopping until I leave for New York City tomorrow morning.  So until my NYC adventures begin, I’ll try to amuse you with more ramblings about the Parisian scene.

According to my personal field research, many anglophone women — particularly American women — will have trouble communicating certain things to their Parisian suitors.  This kind of miscommunication primarily revolves around the idea that anglophone women spend most of their waking hours turning down Parisian creeps, and said Parisian creeps spend most of their time in denial of this fact.

The best way to illustrate this particular anthropological phenomenon is with this handy chart that I’ve drawn up for you.

As you can see, dating in Paris can be fraught with misunderstandings.

A while back, I speculated that my lack of success on the Parisian dating scene could be due in part to an inherent language problem.  But after the epiphany that resulted in the above chart, I now also believe that liaisons between anglophones and francophones could potentially be doomed for reasons that have nothing to do with language.

Simply put, Houston, we have a cultural problem.

For whatever reason, dating rituals here require the men to act like ass-hats and, unfortunately, the women seem to put up with them or egg them on.

I haven’t been able to figure out how to beat the system, so to speak, but I’ve a number of friends who have offered their advice on the matter.  My buddy, Martin, who has long been baffled and concerned by the absurdity that is my love life in Paris, only had four words for me:

“Stop dating French guys.”

However, even though I agree with him in principle, in practice, I’m not going to stop dating Frenchmen.

It’s not that I’m determined to have a relationship with a Frenchman.

It’s just that I’m having so much fun with this blog.

And come on, you know that you love reading about these Parisian ass-clowns* that I meet.

So when I return to Paris next month, it’s on to the next…


*This great new addition to my vocabulary has come by way of my friend, Iroquois Pliskin.  He has quite a way with words, and he and his brother have introduced me to wonderfully useful terms like “skank-pronging” and “schmo-hawk.”  I tip my hat to their skilled wordsmithing.


Filed under Misters

28 responses to “Mr. Denial

  1. I think “hell to the no” translates to “try harder” in almost any annoying male language. It seems the dating principle that it’s the ones you DON’T want that will never leave you alone remains true, even across the pond. Thank for sacrificing yourself in the name of providing a great blog read!

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  3. I reckon Mr Denial exists on all sides of the pond, the sea and the ocean .. Men don’t always understand what a woman is saying (and having said that – doesn’t mean a woman makes it easy either) … Women speak not only with their words but with their actions too .. so pay attention ! if a ‘maybe’ is followed with a shrug of the shoulders or constantly finding ways to avoid eye contact – its actually a NO WAY ! read the signals lads

  4. I love your Chart! LOVE IT.

    I LOL’ed at the “This is a hilarious Podcast” comment. I feel like that’s happened to me before.

  5. I agree with DazeDiva, all sides of the pond.
    I’ve come to find that my silence translates to, “She’s underdressing me with her eyes right now. I’m so getting laid.”
    Deliberately ignoring them translates to, “She wants me so bad, she can’t even look at me because she wants to jump my bones right here in the middle of the parking lot.”
    And Go Away translates to, “Hell yeah, she’s right. Go away, buy the condoms, then come back. Man, I’m definately getting laid. Boo-yah!”

    • According to your translation guide there, it seems that you ooze sex all the time! I envy you a little. Apparently, I ooze Japanese tea ceremony. And perhaps happy endings.

      • I wouldn’t envy me too much. I left out the caliber of men that are actually using this translation guide. That leaves a lot to be desired.

  6. safe safe travels! And your chart…wow, love it!

  7. It’s really too bad that we still have mating rituals and each culture has its own. I wish they were at least consistant.

    One point that seems true anywhere you go is that neediness=unattractiveness. So, if you walk around with a sign saying, ‘I am single and looking to mingle.. ;)’ you are most likely going to be made fun of or pitied. Children will taunt you and mediocre men will avoid you. (Perhaps you could use this as a tactic to keep people away on the metro?)

    • The mediocre men would avoid me, but the scum of the earth would swarm around me like a plague of locusts.

      Hmmm… that could be a brilliant blog post…

  8. CapOuPasCap

    Awesome chart!

  9. Wait, wait wait, “stop dating Parisian men”? That’s just crazy talk! It is WAY too entertaining. Plus, while in Paris it’s probably considerably more difficult to find non-Parisian men to date who aren’t tourists!

    Thanks for putting yourself through all this in the name of comedy and entertainment!

    • Crazy talk, indeed. I promised to start dipping into the expat pool, but we’ll see how that goes…

      I am willing to go to great lengths to keep myself — and my readers, of course! — amused and entertained. It’s always nice to be appreciated!

  10. I totally loved this post, but it has left me wondering how any man gets a date in Paris. Do they behave in such an annoying manner with French women? And if so, do those women actually enjoy the persistent poking, following and hovering?

    • These fools are the reason that Parisian women act like such bitches. I doubt that they put up with this kind of idiotic behavior.

      However, I’m sure that the poking, following and hovering has worked before, otherwise they wouldn’t persist. I’m betting that it must have worked with Clueless American tourists or super-young exchange students who don’t know any better. Poor unfortunate souls, they probably think that French men are “SO ROMANTIC! “

  11. Dan

    When I first visited Paris, I couldn’t figure out why the French women directed their gaze about one foot above my head. I later learned that French men consider eye contact to be an invitation, like your chart indicates, and they avoid it. But I still can’t figure out why they look way up there, rather than just somewhere else, as an American woman would. Oddly, it increases their attractiveness, as if they live on an elevated plane, somewhere above the confusion and boredom of ordinary mortals.

    • You hit the nail on the head! Most really do carry themselves as if they truly are, as you say, “above the confusion and boredom of ordinary mortals.” I should try that. My current strategy is to stare at my shoes…

  12. I wish I’d had this chart two years ago when I visited Paris! I’m a victim of what can happen when one makes *eye contact* (however brief and insignificant it was to me) and *smiles*. These two little gestures of friendship caused me to be a) followed for blocks back to my hotel b) accosted in the ladies room of the Notre Dame by a guy selling Eiffel Tower keychains and c) leered at as though I were a chocolate filled crepe.

    So, thank you, the next time I come to Paris and stay with you (wait, did I just invite myself? Yeah, so what?) I’m bringing this chart with me!

    • You are most definitely staying with me, Miss. I would be offended if you DIDN’T invite yourself. We can gad about, and I can snap pictures of the leers that you get. You blondes are VERY popular here 😉

  13. So how can you make your trip a success? If you do not speak French would definitely recommend learning a few French phrases that would make the French ready to help. Because let’s face it when foreigners come to your country, you expect to talk to you in your language. This means that the same applies to France!

    Here are some things you should know how to say:

    – Hello!
    – Thanks!

  14. your fan

    hahaha 🙂 i love you!

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