Mr. Crew Team Captain

As some of you may recall from my previous posts about gym crushes (Ms. Gym Stalker and Ms. Boston Man-shopper), I’ve got a bit of a gym obsession.  And even though I am on holiday in the USA for a short period of time, that does not mean that I’ve dropped my fitness routine.

It does, however, mean that I still spend an (un?)healthy amount of time at the gym and that I inevitably encounter a plethora of attractive men there.

My current favorite: Mr. Crew Team Captain.

But one problem: we are both supremely awkward.

Even if I weren’t due to leave for Paris in a few days, this gym crush would still be doomed to go nowhere because we are both completely devoid of anything that could pass for flirting skills.

You’re probably thinking, “puh-lease, it can’t be that bad!” or “Man-shopper, you’re just using hyperbole to maintain reader interest in your self-deprecating blog drivel.”

But you’d be wrong.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Man-shopper’s mouth – “Hey.”

Man-shopper’s brain – “Good job, flash that alluring smile.  Hello, gorgeous man-thing.”

Mr. Crew Team Captain – “Hi.”

Man-shopper’s brain – “My alluring smile got ONE syllable?  I should work on that…  Crap, this silence is painful.  Okay, raise your eyebrows.  Then it should be clear that you’re waiting for him to be a man and make this conversation happen, right?”

Mr. Crew Team Captain – “So… have a good workout!”

Man-shopper’s mouth – “Um.  Thanks.  Ummm.  Bye?”

Man-shopper’s brain – “Imbeciles.  Both of you.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Mr. Crew Team Captain – “Sooooo… Looks like you’re heading out.”

Man-shopper’s brain – “SWEET.  We are going to parlay!  Don’t fuck it up.  Don’t fuck it up.  Don’t fuck it up, dammit.”

Man-shopper’s mouth – “Yup.”

Man-shopper’s brain – “‘Yup?!’  God, I weep for humanity.”

Mr. Crew Team Captain – “Cool.”

Man-shopper’s brain – “Great.  HE’S a dumbass too.  But so pretty…”

Man-shopper’s mouth – “I really like this music better than the music that is played in the evenings here.”

Man-shopper’s brain – “Seriously??  THAT’S the best that you can do?”

Mr. Crew Team Captain – “Me too.”

Man-shopper’s brain – “Everyone in this conversation needs to be put out of their misery.”

Man-shopper’s mouth – “So… I’ll see you later!”

Man-shopper’s brain – “Oh.  Good.  God.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I swear, people who know me can attest to the fact that I’m perfectly capable of having (somewhat) normal conversation.  It could very well be that the weird combination of chemicals, hormones, pheromones, sweat and disinfectant at the gym muddles my brain.

Yes… let’s just chalk it up to that.

In the meantime, I’m no longer allowed to speak to men at the gym.

My already bruised and maimed pride simply can’t take any further humiliation.

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Filed under Misters

22 responses to “Mr. Crew Team Captain

  1. Ahh, I do understand the awkward first conversations at the gym, at the coffee shop, or basically anywhere where you COULD or SHOULD be going somewhere else. Sigh. I think that’s the problem. Maybe you should try trapping yourself and the guy in an elevator for 20 minutes? Just as a conversation tester?

    • Trapped in small, confined space? Oddly enough, that sounds like a brilliant idea! I did get stuck in one at work once, but I was by myself. D’oh! Opportunity lost.

      But with Mr. Crew Team Captain, I have a feeling that the more likely outcome would involve an even more painful version of the events described above…

  2. Dude. Why would you want to spend more time with someone only capable of mono-syllables?

    Or we can just assume he was as equally befuddled by your hotness as you were of his. Yeah, I’m going with #2 😉

  3. I feel your pain. And his.

    • It wouldn’t be an honest day’s work for me if I didn’t subject at least two parties to the excruciating pain that stems from my social ineptitude…

  4. I relate to this so much I am blushing. Its like I can feel how much both of you want to be having a conversation, but neither one of you can make that happen.

    Maybe he’s just really, really dumb? I mean, its not like “Hi” and “Cool” and “Me, too” really give you anywhere to go conversationally. Unless you just want to totally spaz out and say random crap off the top of your head. Which is what I do. Results are not really better with this approach. So…nevermind.

    • Yay, I’m not alone! I, too, have tried the spaz-and-spout method, and my results probably aren’t much better than yours.

      And he really could be THAT dumb. After all, it’s not like we met a Rubik’s cube competition…

  5. 1) he’s completely enamored by your beauty (as you are to his) and get’s cement mouth. Good thing you are both at the gym or your sweat glands may be on overdrive…
    2) maybe he is trying to be polite, but in actuality, just ends up being retardedly cute.

    I think you need practice. Find a few male species (preferably not too hot) and just flirt like crazy. It’ll do you good =]

    • Both #1 and #2 make me feel better, even if neither are very likely 🙂

      As for the flirting practice, I may need an on-site coach for the practice to be effective. I need to be told what to do, otherwise I will, by default, just revert back to my incompetent self.

  6. I give you credit for even attempting to chat-it-up in a gym. I feel the least attractive at the gym & just put my head down & do my thing. So kudos to you for your efforts.

    However, if you feel you need assistance check out:


    • I was just feeling particularly saucy with this guy because I actually have NO competition at this gym. But under normal circumstances, my bedraggled sweat-monkey look is enough to keep me silent… most of the time, anyway. Your approach is far better! My mating survival instincts sometimes go on strike when hormones are involved.

  7. Oooh, how I wanted oh so badly to leave a comment with some sage advice or reassuring words but all I could do was laugh. I guess I should thank your social awkwardness for giving me the best laugh I’ve had today but I’m sure that would be mean….and I’m not mean.

    • You are not mean, and neither is your laughter. Trust me, laughing at my social awkwardness is something that I do on a daily basis. And I am always glad to share the laughter!

  8. as they say in sports, no pain no gain!

  9. Sometimes I think you and I would make an awesomely witty team of wingchicks on the manhunt. But then I think realistically. Our silent brain conversations with ourselves would be fucking brilliant…record worthy…hysterical and poignant.

    The actual sound our conversations would make with boys…total silence…crickets…awkward gazing around…more silence…more crickets…mouth opens to say something….nothing comes out…more silence…no one would ever get laid.

    That pretty much sums up my flirting abilities. What happens when you’re drunk? any better? I could just feed you cocktails all night?

    • Well, I’m told that I’m much more “normal” when I’m drunk. My sister tells me that I act much less like a weirdo after a few drinks.

      For instance, when sober, I will come up with conversation starters like, “Hey, so if spiders don’t have lungs, how do they breathe?” After some liquid courage is in me, I will more likely say stuff like, “My my, I DO like those cufflinks.”

      So in short, beer me up, Scottie.

  10. hahaha… This post made me chuckle out loud. I can so relate. I am utterly witty and charming in most areas of my life (I was just born this awesome, I can’t help it)… but when I see a hot specimen of the human species I instantaneously become a bubbling fool and my face turns bright red. I think I’m destined to become a nun.

  11. Skinny Dip

    In your defense Crew Team Captain wasn’t giving you much to work with…maybe if he learned to say words with multiple syllables you guyscmight have a chance at actual real flirting.

    • This is true. He was the opposite of helpful. It’s all for the best in the end. I can’t imagine us conversing about things like the current state of affairs in Afghanistan, for example…

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