Mr. Drivel Master

This is just an open plea to the universe.  Men, I beg you — no, I implore you — to, when you leave voicemail messages, don’t be an idiot.

The following is a voicemail that a guy left on my friend’s machine.  The guy in question is an American, and my plaint is one that transcends ethnicity, nationality, and even gender.  Please, people, don’t ever leave a voicemail like this:

Uh, hey.  Monique.  I think this is Monique or it’s some French person who can’t understand anything I’m staying, but I’m french, so there you go, even though you probably don’t understand, oh cuz your’e french.  Anyway, I dunno, I figured I’d give you a call, say what’s up.  So… what’s up.   How’s your eye doing?   Are they still being a bitch to you at work?   I hope they’re not.

And also, do you have any idea, either it’s just cuz late here, you know, cuz I’m working, either cuz it’s, like, late here, or I’m just a complete retard, but it’s very complicated to call France.  Like, surprisingly.  You’d think that you could dial in the number, but no, you can’t do that, cuz, you know, no phone plans have, you know, international calling.  So, like, when I called you last time, I got this El Toro World Caller at the gas station.   And, uh, I still had a bunch of minutes left.  So, like, I’m freaking calling her ass and annoying her.

But hopefully I’m not annoying you.   Hopefully you’re like, oh cool, Stephen called.  Or you’re just like, why the hell did Stephen just call.  Or a combination of both, or you’re just some French person that doesn’t understand anything I’m saying and  you’ve probably already deleted this message.  Cuz I think that thing that left the message was automated, but I couldn’t understand it was saying, I dunno, my dad should’ve taught me French.  It’s all his fault.

So anyway, so yeah, that’s what I’m doing.

Sooo, I know what you should do.  You should call me here in America, cuz that would be awesome, so my phone number is, whatever the country code is, and all that complicated stuff, I don’t understand any of that, but if you’re in America, you’d just dial XXX and then XXX and then XXXX.  So that’s XXX XXX XXXX.  And again, you know, all this international dialing stuff.  Who the hell knows how that works.  Whoever invented that, you know, I’m gonna have a talk with them or something.

So, that’s my long rambling message.  I hope that you actually get this, and hopefully you’re teaching, some, you know,  I dunno, French people english or something.  You know, and uh, hopefully you can see out of your left eye and all that good stuff.  So, uh, yeah, talk to you later.

Oh!  One more thing, if you’re not some random French person and I actually dialed this number right.

That was the unabridged transcript of ONE voicemail, folks.  And it would have been longer, had the system not cut him off.  And nobody will ever know what his ‘one more thing’ was, since my friend was so horrified by this voicemail that she will never call him again.

And just a an FYI, the paragraph breaks and even the punctuation are my editorial additions to facilitate your reading and prevent you from straining your eyes.  The actual voicemail was just one long, interminable ramble.

Since you actually sat through that unending drivel, I will spare you any further eye strain by ending this blog entry here.  The transcript truly speaks for itself and needs no further comment.

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22 Comments

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22 responses to “Mr. Drivel Master

  1. Now that I have finished reading this post I am tempted to ask you if you made the content of that ‘alleged’ rambling v-mail up. But I won’t, mainly because I know you are a busy girl who leads a busy and full life in Paris, which doesn’t allow for much time to make silliness like the message above up.

    Please note: I am not restraining myself from asking the question because I am of the mind that the madness above could actually have been the message a man of sound mind(?) who was interested in dating the woman he was calling left on your friend’s machine.

    Okay. Now I have started rambling I’ll end with this…

    WTF?

    • I wish I had made it up. It took me a half hour to transcribe the thing while I was waiting with my friend in the emergency room; we didn’t really have much else to do while the health care system was leaving her stranded with a swollen eyeball, and we were both too cracked out to make decent conversation.

      We’ve been trying to answer the WTF question since. And unfortunately, we’ve got nothing. The guy is just supremely incompetent.

  2. They really should teach proper voicemail etiquette…that was horrible!

    • It was like an unspeakable crime was unfolding before my ears. But I have to admit that it was at least hilariously entertaining. I wasted quite a lot of time chortling about it.

  3. Honestly. I’m really curious. What’s wrong with her eye? and why are the people at work so bitchy to her? I’m intrigued. With her. Not so much with him. *rests chin in hands elbows propped on table* do go on…

    • She is indeed an intriguing lady. Unlike Stephen…

      I’m not sure what specific bitchy work-ness Stephen was referring to, but it probably has something to do with the fact that the office administrator is incompetent. As for her eye, it was a scratched cornea gone terribly terribly wrong. Once her eye heals and she can see again, I will have her post the proper details here for you:)

  4. good grief…and I thought I rambled! thanks for giving us all an education, sister!

  5. Random thought messages! Hey- they’re not that bad. Well, okay, they’re kind of bad if they’re made to a comparative stranger on a different continent.

    I can imitate the sound of a Canada goose (poorly) to the delight of my friends. This weekend I left my friend a 2 minute voicemail of nothing but goosehonks.

    Would I do that to a girl I’d just met? Maybe, but then again I really like Bud Light.

    • I think that exceptions can be made for guys with goosehonking skills, even if he does like Bud Light. And exceptions are always made if the guy is ridiculously sexy. A guy can ramble as much as he likes on my voicemail if he’s hot.

      I feel bad for Stephen though. I’m a pretty tough cookie when it comes to criticizing my dating pool, but compared to my friend whose voicemail this was, I’m like a bucket full of puppies, rainbows and unicorns.

  6. You know, a good ol’ “Hi, this is ____, just wanted to give you a call to say hello. Give me a ring when you have a chance” never goes out of style.

    I wonder if this guy is kicking himself now or if he actually thought it was OK. Sheesh.

  7. This is why I never leave voicemail. I think its ridiculous to say, I was just calling to say what’s up. What is the point? So, then I feel like I have to say something, but geez, I just called to say what’s up.

    Seriously. Voicemail should be for business purposes or extreme emergencies.

    Also I sound like a country duck on helium in recorded messages.

  8. RB

    This reminds me of this classic..

  9. Jo

    Was anyone else caught up on the fact that he could not figure out how to dial an international phone number?

    • I’m still scratching my head about that. For someone who couldn’t dial an international number, he managed to do it several times. (I didn’t listen to the other voicemails that he left her.)

  10. Skinny Dip

    Dear Lord! What is wrong with this guy?!? I’ve been known to leave the occasional rambling message but Mr Verbal Diarhea here takes things to a whole other level.

    Maybe this guy thinks that the reason no one ever calls him back is because he’s always accidentally leaving messsages for random French people who can’t understand him…and not because he well, is an idiot.

  11. I’ve received rambling emails like this. I don’t think I would have survived a message. However, I did manage to survive my date with ADD Not For Me and that was basically the same thing.
    I wonder if there are bush-up idiot courses that these guys take or if it just natually flows (stumbles) out?

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