Ms. Outer Beauty

If you keep up with my blog, you will recall that I have recently ventured into the self-help section in order to attempt to understand the French dating psyche.  This will be the first of many book reports about the topics covered in the book.  What do I have in store for you?  Brace yourself for a series of bitchy analyses, anthropological musings, and irreverent generalizations.

Just a warning, this book isn’t organized at all.  I’m just going to blog about the topics as they occur in the book, which has arranged them in no particular order.  There are no chapter titles; it’s like stream-of-consciousness self-help from the brilliant minds of Aude and Leslie.

I’m already annoyed.

Damn you, Aude and Leslie.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The first topic of the book is a series of responses to the question: “Where would I begin to pull myself back on track?”

First of all, this obviously implies that ‘being single’ means that, as a woman, I am horribly OFF track.

Toto, we are not in Kansas anymore.

American positive thinking?  What is that?  We are in France.  Being single is apparently a deplorable situation for a woman, and Aude and Leslie think that they are put on this earth to get me “back on track” by starting with the following two steps:

  1. Make yourself beautiful from A to Z.
  2. Lose however much weight you need to in order to feel secure.

Seriously.  I can’t make this stuff up.  I am sitting here at a Parisian cafe reading a neon pink book that is telling me that the first step to finding a man can be boiled down to those two things.

But wait for it… it gets better…

Under Step 1, Aude and Leslie tell us the following things:

  • “This is not a question of ‘inner beauty'”

I see…  Inner beauty means shit here.  Women must de-uglify as soon as possible.  I suppose that the genetically disadvantaged are just… screwed?  But perhaps Aude and Leslie will talk about getting our inner beauty in order later in the book…

Oh, wait.

These French bitches didn’t think to put a table of contents.  So now I’m forced to read the whole damn book without skipping any of their gems of wisdom.

Fuckers.

  • “Taking care of yourself = You feel pretty = You are attractive = You will be successful = YOU WILL FIND THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS”

Ummm… there are some serious gaps in the logic flow-chart here.  I believe there are some key steps missing in between “You are attractive” and “You will be successful” and in between “You will be successful” and “YOU WILL FIND THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS.”

Aude, Leslie, stop shouting at me.  You are not making sense.

  • Check l’Oréal’s website for their how-to videos about applying makeup.
  • Go to Sephora for their make-up classes, which apparently cost 45 euros per person.

OK, OK, no need to beat a dead horse to death.  Geez, I get it.  I am a monster, and I need to put a mask on it ASAP.

Now… Step 2 about losing weight is in and of itself quite an incendiary statement.  Why would Aude and Leslie make the assumption that we are single BECAUSE we are overweight?

Oh.  I know.  Maybe it’s because they’re French?  See my earlier blog post for a personal incident in favor of this theory here.

And for those of you who would like to know one of Aude and Leslie’s secrets to losing weight…

  • “Keep the following mini-calorie foods on hand at all times: carrot sticks, cherry tomatoes, radishes or (and they add this at the end as if it were some sort of luxury indulgence) a small piece of plain bread.”

Did you notice that I didn’t mention the word ‘exercise’?  That’s because Leslie and Aude didn’t.

Anyone who knows me has heard my tirade about how Frenchwomen are stick insects who are so obsessed with being skinny that starve themselves to do it.  Exercise has NEVER entered into the equation.

Now Leslie and Aude have just confirmed my suspicions.

At least they were somewhat useful.

So to sum up, according to Aude and Leslie, in order to find a man, I must be thin.

Oh, and I must starve myself to do it.

Because exercising would ruin the flawless makeup that I learned to apply from the experts at l’Oréal and Sephora.

I get the feeling that, were I to meet Leslie and Aude in real life, we would not be friends.


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37 Comments

Filed under Misses

37 responses to “Ms. Outer Beauty

  1. Zoë Blue

    Brava. I welcome our simultaneous return to blogging (seriously – within an hour of each other’s posts), and I applaud your unretouched sense of humor. Carry on, Miss Manshopper. Carry on.

  2. CoatMan

    Lunatics. Thin is seriously not attractive.

    • My thoughts exactly. But whenever I try to defend this point of view in public, I am inevitably shot down by hoards of angry, hungry, thin people. Hungry people are so angry!

  3. Perhaps it’s time you got another book? 🙂

  4. Prutha

    wow!! those words actually came out of their mouths and then were penned down at some point of time in this brilliantly modern 21st century!

    what would i do w/o them? like WTF WOW!! 😐

  5. I remember when you used to comment on my blog. Then you met me. HAHAH

    • The sun came out of the clouds of my life when I met you, and you know it. I’ve just been too busy recovering from the awesome, that’s why I’ve been a negligent commenter.

  6. Whenever I hear about dating-self-help books…I always want evidence behind the author. You want to be funny and hysterical that’s fine. That’s what I aim for. But you want to give me step by step instructions (that seem insane) on how to get a man??? and I’m going to require 2 photos and a resume of your current husband.

    • That is a brilliant idea! I am now tempted to write Aude and Leslie and demand their credentials. If their husbands in any way resemble Justin Long, I will be very upset. More upset than I was when I found out that he could possibly date anybody else but me.

  7. You are soooo right – french women do not excersise and do not eat, it’s so depressing! I’m an expat in the french side of Switzerland and they (men AND women) have the same habbits as back in Paris… It’s so superficial!
    I love your blog by the way – I used to have this obsession about frenchmen… and dated a lot of them and after two years, I just got bored of them (which is when I decided to move to Switzerland).
    Hope to enjoy more of your blogging soon!

  8. Ken

    When are we going to get started on that book of ass-obsessing? The world needs that shit. Like now.

    Also, I love you.

    • I love you too.

      The Book of Ass must happen soon. I had a moment a couple days ago that I needed to share with a fellow ass afficionado, but as I reached for my phone, I remembered that Ken is in another country. Tarnation.

  9. Thats where I’ve been going wrong! Shit, I will starve myself and get to sephora first thing tomorrow, now pass another ginger chocolate cookie there will ya manshopper.

    (We are doomed, yes we are!!)

    • Those ginger chocolate cookies did not last the night.

      We may be doomed to indulge our genetically-programmed desires to survive, so starving ourselves will never happen. Perhaps frenchwomen are more… evolved?

  10. You are still single because you are ugly and fat. That’s…great. Because everyone knows there are no thin, gorgeous women who are single…

    This may be why there is not a large self help section in the French bookstores.

  11. This is an awesome post, m’dear. The blatant assumption that the reason you’re single is that you’re fat is laughable. I would like to give each of these women a giner shiner they’ll not soon forget!

    Now get back to blogging. =)

  12. Wow, I can’t believe this book exists in 2010.

    I love how the responsibility falls completely on the woman…and never takes into account that maybe the guys they are starving themselves are just douchetards. They should read your blog.

  13. Aude (is that really a name?) and Leslie are full of shit. I see ugly people holding hands all the time.

  14. I’ve seen a lot of fat ugly people with wedding bands and offspring, so the theory is definitely flawed. I’m curious as to where I fit in in their masterful observations of life. I consider myself average/average.

  15. Canadian Expat in London

    OMG, stumbled upon your blog – you made me stay in all weekend! Please keep it coming!!!

  16. These French lassies need to chill out. I think it’s time for me to come home and eat greasy Coffee Parisienne with you while we contemplate our own sex appeal.
    You’ve got it lady, don’t let Aude or Leslie tell you otherwise.
    Rawr

    • Rawr right back at ya! Those eggs benedict are almost worth dying for. They are definitely worth prostituting oneself for anyway. Not that it’s come to that… yet. I doubt that Aude and Leslie eat eggs benedict. Poor fools.

  17. Fat women will be cheated on by their men with thin women- this is a FACT !And I have never seen a thin woman single ….

  18. Cheating isn’t gender, race or weight specific. Infidelity is about an internal deficiency and usually has little to do with the other person. As for single thin women? I know plenty. Personally speaking, I can’t do overly delicate
    women. I feel far freer giving a sturdy woman a robust rogering.

    JFB

  19. wow, wow, wow. I love awful dating books. It’s so much fun to just tear them apart. LOVE this one! 🙂

  20. JH

    I feel you girl. The French are so weird. -__-

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