Ms. Mad Scientist

We all know about the moral implications of conducting experiments on humans.  This is what prevents us social scientists from adequately controlling our variables.  However, every once in a while, due to some freak accident of circumstances and nature, we are presented with a situation that so closely imitates laboratory conditions that we have the opportunity to conduct some real groundbreaking experiments.  No, I’m not talking about my non-blog work (that would be too good to be true, and I would be accepting my Medal of Science by now).  I am talking about my man-shopping.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It was a crisp fall day in Paris.  I was on the metro line 1, on my way to a meeting.  Purely by coincidence, I had sat myself down next to a fellow yellow, so to speak.  And as I was settling into my seat, I couldn’t help but notice how closely we resembled each other on the physical front — and not just because we were both Asian.

We were similar in height, build, and facial bone structure.  We had the same haircut.  We even had similar outfits, except that I was wearing grey and bright green, and her outfit was in all different shades of the same puke-y brown.

Other than the color scheme of our clothing, our physical differences were limited to the following:

  • She had alabaster-pale skin, whereas I was rocking my perpetually tan complexion.
  • She had more slitted, almond-shaped eyes, whereas mine are rounder and with a double-lid.
  • Her boots had a half-inch heel, whereas mine had a three-inch heel.
  • She was hunched over in her seat, staring intently at her nails, whereas my posture was erect, shoulders back.

I thought to myself, “She’s the ultimate stunt double!  She could be my man-shopping double!”

Here’s where it got interesting…

A cute guy got on at the next stop and was clearly taken aback by the wave of Asian awesome that we launched his way.

It was at this point that I thought to myself, “Wow, this is a once-in-a- lifetime opportunity.  Physically speaking, most variables have been controlled for.  Now all I have to do is wait until Mr. Cutie chooses his target, and then I can determine what he considers to be physically desirable.”

I saw him vacillate between the two of us.  He was momentarily torn, and I saw his mind-gears turning as I blink-blinked my eyes at him.  I glanced over at my double, and I saw that she, too, was doing the blink-blink, albeit from a more hunched-over vantage point.


He walked over to us…

… and knelt down next to…

… my double.

Of course he did.

So as Mr. Cutie began to whisper sweet nothings to my counterpart, whose French, by the way, was atrocious, I had no choice but to conclude that the man preferred the more diluted, paler (literally and figuratively) version of myself.  I must also conclude that he preferred someone in ridiculously ugly shoes.

All these years, my grandmother has been begging me to comport myself in a meeker, less obtrusive way and to do something to lighten my dark skin.  I am so irritated that she may have been onto something.

Oh, don’t worry, this little impromptu experiment will in no way change my fashion sense or my posture.  But it does make me just a tad more cynical…

Next, please!


Filed under Misses

31 responses to “Ms. Mad Scientist

  1. More shopping info no obligations

  2. Well, maybe he’s got a thing for zombies in outfits the color a shit. Halloween is just around the corner so maybe he was feeling festive.

    And what is this blink-blink move? It sounds most effective. Is it literally two blinks in rapid succession of one another? Should my mouth do something? Please share!

    • It’s usually more than two blinks at slow-ish to medium speed, but sometimes it only takes two to rope in the poor fool 🙂 I think that I started doing the blink-blink involuntarily when I cut my fringe, so the effect of the blink-blink, combined with the effect of peeking out from under my hair, seemed to yield good results. Sometimes I smile a little if I feel that the eyework isn’t sufficient.

      • Shopper,
        Look at you!! I’m so proud!!
        Could this be??????
        Are you mastering the art?
        Le sigh.
        Long gone are the days of practicing eye-fucking, you. Hop high young grasshopper, hop high.

  3. What a perfect post right before Halloween! Eerie and fascinating all at the same time. I really wish you had taken a picture of your body double. If I was sitting next to my Gemini twin I would have busted out the camera phone just for fucks sake. Then I would have tripped the guy if he went over to her instead of me. Oops, accidents happen.

    • I am one of the few remaining freaks in the developed world who does not own a smartphone. I somehow decided that I need to maintain some sort of separation between the internet and non-internet areas of my life, so I had to forego the convenience of having a camera at all times. I am now reconsidering this stupid idea not to get a smartphone!

      Damn, I should have thought to trip him. I never have any good ideas like that at the time!

  4. He must be a complete dumbwit. Or mentally deranged. I’m sure no intelligent, self-confident, emotionally secure man would have passed you up. Consider you might have dodged a bullet!

    • I dodge bullets every day. So many bullets! I should be relieved, but I think that all this bullet-dodging makes me assume that ALL potential candidates are just bullets to be dodged. Bullets aren’t very cuddly.

  5. Girl, you ROCK it no matter what–and that nasty double might have been ovulating–and that’s what drew him in. Keep that in mind, sister–cause no one in their right mind would pass up that Asian delight!

  6. Pingback: Tweets that mention Ms. Mad Scientist « Man-shopping in Paris --

  7. Would you want a man who preferred your weaker self? Somehow I think not. Plus, he probably just did eeny meany miney moe in his head.

  8. Interesting. It’s also possible he did what many (insecure or unsure) men do when faced with a similar situation: He chose the less “hot” girl because he figured he had a better chance. Don’t sweat it…Either way, I’m just glad to see you’re back!

    • Guys do that?! There is so much that I don’t know about the guy world. I am too much of a perfectionist/overachiever, it would never occur to me to go for the lesser version of anything. Maybe that’s how I ended up with absurdly expensive headphones…

  9. Brian

    What Sam Sharpe said. Most guys if they are honest will tell you that one does not necessarily pick the more desirable one. Remember, in a scientific experiment, you have to take all possibilities into account.

  10. If you were really a mad scientist you would have dissected him to ascertain what the fuck his problem was. Just a thought.


  11. I’m with Sam & Brian on this one. It’s an ego boost to get the girl & you with your erect posture -all woman. Wait for a really man before you blink blink next time. No need to wear out those lashes on an unworthy recipient. 😉

    • My lashes actually have been been overworked lately, with no results. You’re right, I should give them a rest before they go on strike. I am, after all, in France!

  12. Perhaps you appeared to be a bit too “high maintenance” for the “brother”. Lest we forget, France is in a serious recession.
    Nevertheless…I really enjoy your blog!

    • Glad you enjoy the blog, Lady D! I think that I probably do give the impression that I’m high maintenance. Whether I am ACTUALLY high maintenance is a secret that I will keep until I start blogging about being in a relationship 😉

      It could be a while before I divulge that secret then…

  13. These kinds of things are always really disheartening. In the past I’ve had guys say stuff like “She reminds me of you…but, she’s less complicated” ie. a diluted version of moi – which, in a way is kind of a back-handed compliment. When this kind of stuff happens you just have to make like a Jersey Shore cast member and be like “YO, he just couldn’t HANDLE this Situ-Asian!” and then go off and flex your muscles in front of the mirror because you’re awesome & shouldn’t change a thing.

    • I almost forgot that I am the Situ-Asian! Thank you for reminding me. I am going to go flex my muscles now. And then I will download the latest season of Jersey Shore for more inspiration.

  14. Interesting!

    I seem to have mounting evidence that men like the “wounded dove”… i.e. they don’t necessarily know what to do with a strong, independent type (*ahem* shoulder’s back and what could she do with those heels?) and go repeatedly to those that are more… needy (despite what they say about all that…)

    However. The point made earlier about going for the less desirable because it’s a better shot? Could be legit too…

    Regardless. Doesn’t really matter which it is – both equally undesirable, if you ask me. I like a man with balls.

  15. Alex

    I’ll save the Mad Men Season 4 allusion for when I see you back in our beloved (hehe) South Bay, but there is one. Remind me to tell it to you after you’ve burned through all 13 episodes in one day.

    Regardless, the dude just went for the less-intimidating version! We definitely do that. The hot ones require more originality, a good line and, well, effort.

    Yes, we are simple, possibly single-celled, organisms. Protozoa even.

  16. Science and Dating. Oh, how I love you.

    I hate to ever support this theory but maybe he went for her because intuitively he knew you were out of his league…so he went with the girl he had the highest chance with?

    PS…I’m not so opposed to testing on humans…next time you’re back in North America…I suggest we set up some experiments…and really figure this bitch out!

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