Mssrs. Crushes

Even though I have made a conscious choice to take a break from dating, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have crushes.  I firmly believe that crushes are essential to a woman’s survival.  Without them, I would probably wander around in public in my pyjamas, relegate showering to the category of unnecessary luxuries, and permanently lose my eyebrow tweezers.  In my eyes, if it ever comes to that, I might as well be dead.

So in order to maintain a healthy emotional state, as well as a presentable public persona, I try to have at least several crushes at any given time.  Currently, I have three….

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Mr. Tall Dark Delicious

He is tall.  He is dark.  He is positively delicious.  He is like a cross between Lenny Kravitz, Vin Diesel and a Greek god.  And lord, did I mention that he is TALL??  I’m not necessarily into really tall guys, but he’s just so tall that I’m fascinated by the novelty of it.  Especially since I live in Paris and don’t often see such hearty, broad-shouldered specimens of manhood.  There is just SO much of him!  So.  Much.  Man.

He also rocks these great running shoes with bright yellow accents.  I’m a simple creature sometimes, drawn to bright colors and shiny objects.  His shoes, as well as his entire hotness, is just so shiny.

The man is so gorgeous that I can’t even fathom interacting with him on any normal human level.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that if he were to talk to me, his voice could not be heard by us mere mortals.  To us, the less godly-beautiful, it would just sound like thunder and fury.

Besides, we all know that such absurdly beautiful gods have almost no chance of having any measurable personality or sense of humor.

Right.  That’s what I’m going to tell myself.

Mr. Justin Long

The real Justin Long is the love of my life.  He and Drew Barrymore don’t know it yet, but I am going to marry him.

So since I laid eyes on this Justin Long lookalike, I haven’t stopped drooling.

And even though he is a wispy wisp of a Frenchman whose ass is approximately the size of my fist, I’ve been drooling for approximately four months now.  (That, people, is the kind of power that the real Justin Long has over me.)

The problem is, I’m drooling so consistently and so profusely that it has clearly blocked all high level brain functions in his presence.  Walking AND breathing at the same time?  Forget about it.  Stringing together complete sentences AND avoiding moving obstacles?  So far, no success.

He is just so adorable that I can’t contain myself.  It’s shameful.

To avoid humiliation, I just flee whenever I see him.

Mr. Chicken Legs

Okay, so his legs obviously aren’t very impressive, but who cares?  I think that it’s endearing that his legs are skinny.  I’m not saying that he’s a wispy willow-twig-boy.  Despite his skinny legs, the man is in great physical shape and his legs are stronger than they look.

One problem: he is the ringleader of my rockclimbing group.  And we all know that we shouldn’t shit where we eat.  I do not want to lose a climbing partner to stupid crush shenanigans.

So alas, I’m just going to pretend that I’m his platonic climbing buddy and attempt to belay him safely while staring at his ass (which is a decent size and very perky!).

Clearly, this is not going to end well.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What is that old saying?  ‘Variety is the spice of life’?  Well, that’s bollocks.  Crushes are the spice of life.  ESPECIALLY if they never lead to anything.  Honestly, the moment that a crush from afar transitions into some tangible romantical entanglement, all the fun is lost.  All the suspense, the fantasy, the shininess….  Blown to bits by the unforgiving reality of his douche-toolery.

Winter is coming to Paris, the skies are getting greyer, and the outfits are getting greyer.  But I refuse to allow my mood to get any greyer.

So even as I say ‘Next!’, my crushes will keep me sane and smiling.



Filed under Misters

24 responses to “Mssrs. Crushes

  1. I LOLed at Mr. Chicken Legs. And you know what I say? Shit where you eat, girl. Shit where you eat. Sometimes if we didn’t shit where we ate, we’d never shit at all, and that could get painful.

    That sounded really bad if taken in literal terms. But we are speaking metaphorically still, right? I think you know what I’m getting at.

    And what is it about Justin Long? He’s really not that cute, but then… he kinda IS! Maybe he just looks super hot by comparison when standing next to the portly PC fellow.

    Crushes rock. They keep you healthy. 🙂

    • Shitting everywhere is going to get messy… But I will cross that bridge if I get there. There are absolutely no indications that there is the slightest reciprocation on the part of any of these crushes.

      As for Justin, he is just so funny and adorable. And as an Apple girl myself, I didn’t stand a chance. Le sigh. I LOVE HIM.

  2. I love crushes! I have a big, fat crush on my roommates’ BFF and co-worker who practically lives at our apt on the weekends. He’s cute as hell, funny as shit and witty to boot. Plus he’s SMART and scored a perfect 800 on the verbal portion of his SATs, and loves to throw around words I’ve never even heard of as if they are vernacular in his regular speech. SWOON!

    …but he has a girl he is “together but not together” with back in Jersey, which is ridiculously far from us here in SoCal. So therefore, he is my crush 🙂

    • In Jersey?! Nothing against Jersey, but what the hell? He’s hanging on to that when he’s got you in his lap (metaphorically… or not? 😉 ) all the time? Idiot.

      We girls are known to overlook so much tomfoolery and douche-toolery when a man uses a word like ‘jejune’ in everyday conversation. I am speaking in purely hypothetically of course… right. Hypothetical.

    • Crushes *can* be fun, but most of the time they’re a distraction when I could be thinking about something else. I feel like that made me sound like a robot or something.

      This is why I choose online dating. When you start a convo or meet with someone on the site, you’re both thinking, “This could go somewhere”. You don’t have to waste a lot of time/thoughts wondering if she likes you before you make your first move.

      I wrote an article on this topic here, but, I don’t mean to spam so feel free to cut this paragraph out:

      • Nah, you’re not a robot! You’re just pragmatic. I admire and respect pragmatism.

        Which is why I can’t wrap my head around online dating in Paris. All those things that you like about online dating? Doesn’t apply here. Le sigh.

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  4. All sounds very healthy and logical to boot. I like’em tall so I’ll be requiring a picture of this tall god-like creature, that is if you don’t mind sharing crushes. Well, a crush on Justin Long…I guess you don’t mind sharing. 🙂

    • I will try to enlist the services of a friend with a smartphone to sneak a quick picture of Tall Dark Delicious. My clunker of a camera would never meet stealth-stalker standards. Stay tuned!

  5. I too am a lover of crushes, and Justin Long is also on my list. Sadly, I have yet to find his look-a-like here in Toronto ;(

    And I so hear you on the tangible romantic entanglements blowing the fantasy of a crush to bits. Douche-toolery rears it’s ugly head far too often in real life. Sigh.

    • If I ever find my brain, I will advise my Justin lookalike to take a holiday in Toronto. However, considering the current state of affairs, it could be years before I can get past ‘hello’ with him.

      Then again, I am terrified that anything past ‘hello’ will only unveil his douche-toolery straightaway!

  6. The picture of chicken legs. Made. My. Day. I don’t even know how to describe my sheer enjoyment of that photo. I actually anticipate coming back to this post repeatedly throughout the day (yes I am that cool) just to stare at that picture. And chuckle. Yes!

    Onto more important things…these crushes…I get it…I support it…I fully understand it….they are vital. Nuff said.

  7. Crushes are life-savers. What would we do with all our spare time without them? I have a crush on a french barman and one on my friend’s older brother, heh!

  8. Zoë Blue

    Man-shopper, you and I share a love of Justin Long. So I just have one question: Do you want to be my sister-wife?

  9. I have no real life crushes (I say real life because yes I am going to marry Jared Leto!).

    This is not a good thing. Crushes are good, multiple real life men are bad…I’m exhausted and harassed, I need to go to manshopper school.

    • Exhausted and harassed?? That doesn’t sound good at all!

      But I must warn you that even though manshopper school will eliminate most uncreepy harassment, it will still leave you exhausted… from all the fleeing that my method entails.

  10. Alex

    I never knew about your thing for Justin Long. Weird. Then again, you mock me for my things for: Maureen Dowd and January Jones. Although my new crush of choice is at my gym. This is surely something you relate with and can support!

  11. Shopper,
    I’m not surprised you have a thing for Justin. He seems to fit the mold for the men who make you swoon.
    Love the chicken legs description by the way.
    As for me, crushes tend to become a problem because I convince myself they are reciprocal. My imagination gets the best of me, and the next thing you know-I’m envisioning myself drinking Bud with a much younger Steven Tyler (pre-weird plastic surgery face).

  12. Pingback: I Luv Me: Being Single is So Damn Good - MetAnotherFrog | Meet. Kiss. Delete.

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