Ms. Lap Sitter

It’s that time of year again.  The Christmas season.  Time to go sit on some pervy Santa’s lap and ask him for random stuff.

Like the rest of the masses, I figured that I should take the time to put in my order with Papa Christmas.

Papa Christmas.  Is it just me, or does that sound dirty?

Ah, who the hell cares?  I’m already sitting on his lap at this point.  No turning back now.

So, Santa, let me get all nestled in here.  Why is it so comfy?  This is more than a little disturbing.

Anyway, listen up, Père Noël.  Here is what I want — nay, NEED — this Christmas:

  • MATCHING UNDERWEAR SETS.  As racy and frilly as they come.  Why?  A girl’s got to be able to compete on this lacy Parisian scene.  Besides, Santa, I know that you enjoy picking out lingerie, you pervy cad, you.  (Ms. Victoria’s Secret Angel)
  • MORE PANTS.  I tend to lose them when I drink.  And not in a good way.  (Ms. One Night Stand)
  • And last, but not least, please send me JUSTIN LONG for Christmas.  Please wrap him up in a snuggly sweater.  No need to tie him up with ribbon.  I’ve got plenty of ribbon and accoutrements at my place.

Please deliver all gifts to the family compound in California, and I will arrange for transport back to Paris.  My stocking is the one with the obese snowman on.  Do NOT, under any circumstances, give Justin Long to either of my sisters.  As God is my witness, I will hunt you down and beat you with a stocking full of fruitcake-shaped rocks.

That is all.

Joyeux Noël.

Wait, why am I still on your lap?



Filed under Misses

7 responses to “Ms. Lap Sitter

  1. CoatMan

    I do detect a certain inconsistency with your sock-matching obsession and your puzzlement at the Parisian underwear matching obsession. And where exactly does one find a fruitcake shaped rock…?

    • Well, with the ridiculously embellished lingerie sets vs. sock-matching, it really boils down to a question of comfort and budget.

      As for fruitcake shaped rocks? Unfortunately, there are instances in which horrible fruitcake recipes yield a baked product that resembles fruitrock more than fruitcake… The fruitrock is almost an American tradition, in a way. Not sure how that came about, but it’s a little tragic.

  2. Bob

    Here is hoping you get everything you wish for and more Man Shopper!!
    Wishing you all the best of the season from snowy Canada!!

  3. Oh… I love me some lingerie. And, ps, “matching underwear sets”? Could you get a less sexy statement? Say it with me, ManShopper: lang-ger-ay. Lingerie.

    Honey, I say start there. That shit always makes me feel sexy. Feeling sexy leads to mojo leads to game. Don’t worry about what other people are thinking, just imagine how hot you look under your clothes… works like a charm.

    Oh, wearing lingerie without the clothes also makes me feel sexy and is like INSTANT mojo. ‘Course… I may not be the best person for this kind of advice. I’m in a burlesque dance company, so wearing lingerie in public is kind of normal…

    XOXO – hope Santa is good to you! 😉

  4. Love your blog! Strangely my list for Santa looked very similiar (except cross out Justin Long and add in Paul Rudd. I must have been naughty as the only thing in my stocking was a note that said “Ha ha, yeah right.” Sigh.

  5. As it’s now well past Christmas, I’m sure Papa Christmas rolled through and gave you your Mojo back. Which means that you are probably somewhere working some serious magic, courtesy of your A game, on Mr. Justin Long, so he’ll be in the mood to help you lose your pants (and perhaps even your matching bra and panty set) as I type this.

    Dare to dream, right?

    Anyway, I hope you had a fab time back at the compound in Cali and Happy New Year!

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