Ms. Alpine Goddess

In addition to drinking mulled wine, eating gingerbread, and snuggling, one of my favorite things to do during the winter is snowboarding.  Make no mistake, I am not one of those snowbunny babes who coast down the slopes in fitted outfits and who stop every few runs for a glass of wine at the ski lodge.

I arrive at the lifts early in the morning, hit the slopes hard until lunch, eat a packed lunch, and then I snowboard until my legs can no longer support me.  I can’t help myself.  I am an overachiever.  And I am cheap!  I paid for that all-day lift ticket, and damn it, I SHALL get my money’s worth and snowboard ALL DAY.

Needless to say, these are not ideal conditions for man-shopping.

Now, my homegirl, Wandering Menace, is always telling me about all the hot guys who work the ski resorts.  From my own personal experience, I can definitely back this assertion with empirical data.  However, a real dilemma emerges when one is faced with the question of how to approach these hunky snow gods.

I have no insight into this.

No matter how dreamy these guys are, I have determined that there is no point in approaching them.  Not in my case.

And it’s not because I’d rather be snowboarding my brains out.

That’s only part of it.

The real reason is that, regardless of how little mojo I have on a daily basis in my normal life, I have EVEN LESS game on the slopes.  This is due to the fact that I find it physically impossible to exude any sort of sex appeal while dressed in my snowboarding gear.

There are some ladies who look like this while skiing:

Alas, I am not one of them:

Note that I am wearing the following items:

  • helmet
  • goggles
  • neck gaiter
  • poofy, shapeless jacket
  • poofy, shapeless snow pants
  • poofy, shapeless gloves

Underneath all this, I am wearing the following:

  • old sports bra
  • long underwear
  • fleece
  • sweat

This is not exactly a recipe for insta-sexpot.  In fact, this is a surefire way for everyone on the slopes to mistake me for a little Asian boy.  When people strike up a conversation with me in Tahoe, it mostly starts with:

  • “Hey, bro!”
  • “Hey, man!”
  • “Dude!”
  • “Jeremy!”

So for those of you out there who manage to find romance in Tahoe or any other snow resorts, I commend you.

I, for one, opt NOT to risk man-shopping on the slopes, for fear of the awkwardness that would ensue when I revealed my actual gender to any interested parties.

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18 Comments

Filed under Misses

18 responses to “Ms. Alpine Goddess

  1. I am a snowbunny sorry! I like the beginner slopes, the jamaican hot chocolates oh and do I have some ski instructor stories to tell you 😀

  2. I have one word for you: apres ski.

    Ok so that’s two words. But it means: enjoy yourself all day and show off your skills (boys love them). After, hit up a local bar for a brew. That’s where the boys are, anyway.

    PS I would like to punch that snow bunny in the face.

    • This apres ski… I’ve never thought of that. Brain fart on my part.

      Regarding the matter of punching that midriff-baring snowbunny, I’ll back you up, sister.

  3. Bob

    Jeremy! Dude…. Whoops sorry.

    I have to agree with Nikki there the chalet is definitely the place to meet guys after a day of hard ski/boarding. Many was the day my buddies and I would congregate in the bar at the chalet or in the town looking for ladies just coming off the slopes.

    I really wouldn’t worry about a little sweat, or messy hair. It just shows us hardcore guys that you actually like to board. Really nothing is more annoying than a girl who pretends the part.

    Just be yourself and wander up to us like you’ve known us all your life. We probably won’t bite, well not hard anyways. Confidence is always sexy. If you’re afraid of the ratty underthings you wear on the slope bring a change and do a quick freshen before you hit the bevies.

    • Hiya, Bob!

      For me, there is no such thing as “a little sweat” or “messy hair.” Between the helmet and the multiple layers of clothing it’s more like a shitcrapton of sweat and apocalyptic hair.

      And how do people have the energy to hit the bevs after hitting the slopes? All I manage to do is put food in my face (purely for survival reasons, even eating is exhausting) and then go straight to bed afterward… I am so boring…

  4. Girl, you’re way ahead of me in picking up the hot snow dudes, because I am one of those freaks who don’t ski or snowboard or strap my feet into anything that glides atop snow. Not good in man shopping because almost every man, for some reason, loves to snowboard or ski. I’ll just sit in the lodge moping, probably dressed like you in poofy garments because I’m always cold.

    I’ll betcha there’s some dude out there who’d totally be digging on your shredding skills. Why don’t you let that gorgeous hair of yours flow down the back?

    BTW, I will totally gang up with you and Nikki on that snow slut. What an asshole.

    • When my hair is flowing down my back on a snowboard, it tends to get super-matted and extra-icky from the snow, wind and sweat. Hmmm, maybe the trick is to ditch the helmet altogether? A concussion is a small price to pay for looking… well… female.

  5. No…. don’t approach them.

    Make them want to come to you! Wherever you are, feel good about yourself then smile, be open… then make eye contact, look away, make eye contact again, then look away again, keep smiling…

    Create the mystery… it doesn’t matter what you look like, it is what you feel like.

    Then let them come to you!

  6. Maggie

    I LOVE your blog! I am so stoked that I tumbled upon it! Really funny and it kinda reminds me of a much younger and non-fictional Carrie Bradshaw. I’m so glad you’re in your twenties as well cuz it’s hard to find expats who blog from Paris in that age range. You’ve gotten yourself a new and loyal reader!

  7. I randomly found your blog and it was one of the best finds of the day.

    Witty writing and an amazing social experience? Riveting!

    All the best,
    –LadyOshKosh

  8. Hahaha… you are so funny.

    I was going to say you looked a little boyish in that picture, maybe this is an angle you can work?

    I used to live in Tahoe and the romance never happened on the slopes. But… all you had to do was ask the lift girls/guys where they usually went drinking. Since they are so tired of interbreeding, you on the scene is a breath of fresh air but you probably already knew this.

    • I’ve never been known to be able to work ANY angle, let alone a boyish one 🙂 I didn’t know about the incestuousness of the lift people, I’m really very very clueless about most things!

  9. I almost peed my pants at “Jeremy!” Seriously.

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