Mssrs. Greatest Hits

This post is dedicated entirely to the assclownery, tooldouchery, and general rudeness that men have thrown at me over the past few years of my expatriate adventure.  It’s unclear whether they wanted to get into my pants, offend me, or just wanted a laugh, but that is hardly the point.  The point is that they just don’t know how to treat a lady.

I’m not going to commentate much here, as these little sound bytes speak for themselves.  Below I have compiled the worst opening overtures from complete strangers.  Off the street…  At the gym…  At the bar… In the supermarket…

  • “Are you a lesbian?  I assumed that you were because of your arms.”
  • “How much?”
  • “You are eating SO MUCH.”
  • “I’m in a band.”
  • “It’s not ladylike to order beer.”
  • “You sound unattractive.”
  • <pointing to my beer>  “You’re actually going to drink THAT??”
  • “Hey!  You!  Chinese girl!”
  • “Soooo…. yes or no?”  <eyebrow wiggle>
  • “You’re Lucy Liu!”
  • “Hey!  Whore!”
  • “You know, it’s pathetic to sit by yourself.”
  • “Hey!  Yoo hoo!  Oy!  Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  HEY!  HEY YOU!  OVER HERE!  COME OVER HERE!!!  What the…  YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!!”
  • With my back to them, guys have tugged my hair so that I will turn around.
  • Guys have thrown stuff (water bottles, orange peels, wads of paper…) at me in order to get my attention.
  • One guy ran up to me and screamed in my face.

Whatever happened to “Excuse me”, “Hi”, and “Hello”?

Anyone in the United States want to offer me a job?  I can start immediately.


P.S.  To the guy who spit on me : how dare you?!

P.P.S.  To the guy on the metro who licked me : EW.

P.P.P.S.  To the guy who tried to slap my face : I will find you.  I will kill you.


Filed under Misters

21 responses to “Mssrs. Greatest Hits

  1. Ash

    OMG! Seriously, what’s wrong with French guys?

  2. Amna

    Obviously they all need to be shot, immediately if not sooner…

  3. I don’t know if these guys are a blessing because they make normal guys seem better, or a curse because they put women on a suspicious and defensive stance towards men.


    PS read my blog right now.


    • Blessing.

      I think that I probably naturally adopt a suspicious and defensive stance toward everyone, regardless of race, gender or creed. I don’t discriminate.

      • I know, right?

        There should be some sort of badge that ‘normal’ guys can wear so women can let their defenses down.

        Or, just hang out at gay bars. That always seems to work.

        Where’s my lingerie pics?

      • A badge would be very handy. Having them on a local registry would be nice. Only some would have adequate security clearance to see women in lingeried state.

  4. Flo

    Have you ever read that mens self-help book where the author advises using a ‘neg’ eg. a negative conversation starter, like, ‘you sound unattractive’ to allure women? Because I’m thinking it could have been a big hit with Parisian men.

    Anyway I have deep sympathy, I lived near Clichy for a while and had to walk down a boulevard lined by crab-apple trees. Did the men sitting along the boulevard throw said crab-apples AT me? Of course they did. Types de merde!!

    Absolutely love your blog, am always excited to read a new post! 🙂

    • Thanks, Flo!

      I am so deeply grateful to you for backing me up on this. I’m relieved to know that I’m not the only victim!

      The next person that ‘negs’ me, I will end him. END HIM.

  5. Maggie

    Paris has the largest amount of CRAZIES per capita in any place I’ve ever been in my 22 years of living. In my opinion, it even tops NYC.

    One time I was minding my own fucking business when some girl stops me to ask if my sweater is from American Apparel or not. First off all I wonder why this random woman is approaching me but I tell her that it is indeed from American Apparel and she says that she wasn’t sure because black people usually buy their clothes from the Chinese. Obviously I had a confused as all hell look on my face so she shrugged and said “you know, the Chinese. The kings of piracy.” So not only was she insinuating that black people are poor but that Chinese people are the ones who are keeping them ghettofabulous with their fakes.

    IMO, if someone wants to wear a knockoff, go right ahead and good for them. But for goodness sake I was wearing AMERICAN APPAREL…it ain’t exactly Gucci. Jesus, take the wheel in Paris is all I can say.

    • I can’t speak for NYC, but my personal experience in this city has definitely been off the charts when it comes to inappropriate behavior and conversation. Your exchange with that random woman doesn’t surprise me at all!

  6. Jason

    “Hey! You! Chinese girl!” doesn’t work?!?!? I knew I was doing something wrong.

    Someone spit on you? I guess that is why everyone hates the french…that and the BO.

  7. Oh wow, it seems that you have had a bad time recently. I am particularly amused by “Are you a lesbian?” and “You sound unattractive.” Both so completely ridiculous I think I’d have had to laugh. How on earth does someone SOUND unattractive? Is it a tone/an accent? I understand how a man can sound attractive…they just need to talk like Colin Farrel or Matthew McConaughey. The latter would definitely work, with Ireland just a should ferry/plane ride away the Irish accent isn’t failsafe.

    Laura xx

    • With the thing about sounding unattractive, the guy was eavesdropping on my conversation, and I’m guessing that he was referring to the fact that I was speaking in English. I must have sounded like an uncultured american cow to him. Needless to say, I didn’t stick around to prolong my interaction with him.

  8. Wow. Hysterical – but prolly not so much when you were hearing them. Do those work with the French babes? I thought French dudes were known for being all suave and debonair and shit. But after hearing this… I guess it’s no surprise that “douche” is a French word.

    I also didn’t realize how distasteful it is for a woman to drink beer. I don’t think I’d be a hit over there.

  9. A Fellow Yellow

    Can I point out to our viewers at home that French people in cities are a totally different species than French people in the rest of the country? Parisians and people on the Cote d’Azur are known for being annoying and rude.

    May I chip in my favorite personal awful ouverture? I was out running (on the Cote d’Azur). A guy on a bike rode by me, then came back and stopped me to ask me out. I told him no thanks, that I was married and he said, “Oh don’t worry about it, I’m very discrete. I won’t call you at home.” I was like, um, that’s not actually the problem here. He seemed confused that I was turning him down based on the fact that I was married.

  10. Mellowchick

    You made my day.. quite possibly the most hilarious lines I’ve heard all day! Love the blog 😀

  11. Pingback: Mssrs. Mini Casanova | Man-shopping in Paris

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