Ms. Sex Toy Afficionado

The other day I received a lovely big red envelope in my letterbox.  There was a picture of chocolates on it.  As I was, at the time, at the mercy of certain PMS hormones, I was looking forward to browsing some delectable food catalog, drooling all over it, and then going out to buy a roast chicken to devour with my bare hands.

No such luck.

It was a catalog of sex toys.

Once I got over the initial shock, I realized that this was a great learning opportunity.

For the most part, the French terms for things are easily recognizable to the average anglophone reader.

However, just for fun, how about some more sexcabulary?

anal plug [m.] – anal plug

boules de geisha [f.] – ben wa balls

clitoridien(ne) – clitoral

en strasse – rhinestoned

gaine [f.] – sheath

gode(miché) [m.] – dildo

jeu action ou vérité [m.] – Truth or Dare

lubrifiant [m.] – lubricant

menottes [f.] – handcuffs

point G [m.] – G-spot

préservatif [m.] – condom

sextoy [m.] – sex toy (Seriously??  The French don’t have their own word for this?)

tenue de soubrette [f.] – french maid outfit

“vibro Jack the Rabbit” – “The Rabbit”

vibro(masseur) [m.] – vibrator

<any lingerie bottom> ouvert(e) – crotchless (lingerie bottom)

Also…

  • The French love/obsession with Hello Kitty also extends to sex toys.
  • As a general rule, in order to talk about sex toys in French, all you have to do is think of the word in English, and then say it with a silly French accent.  For example, sex toy is le sex toy, “Spanish Fly” is le Spanish Fly, and sexy nurse costume is le costume nurse sexy.
  • Most laugh-tacular product name: le vibromasseur Queeny Love Giant Lover.  Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up.  An aside about this particular product… it’s German.

This catalog was not exactly the classiest act and definitely showcased a certain lack of discretion and marketing savvy.  However, at the very least, it was entertaining and educational for me… and now for you as well, dear readers!

My advice to fellow expats: buy your sex toys online from either the U.K. or Germany.  Trust me on this.

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6 Comments

Filed under Misses

6 responses to “Ms. Sex Toy Afficionado

  1. When I read, “en strasse – rhinestoned” amongst all those other terms, I instantly thought, “painful.” My mind wanders to obscure creativity in sex toys without pictures to clear it up.
    But thanks for the education. I feel well versed now.

    • I’m glad that I’ve now equipped you to shop for les sextoys in Francophone countries. You never know when, in a pinch, you’ll need to make emergency vibrator purchases.

      And you’re right, “en strasse” does sound uncomfortable. It probably is. Ugh.

  2. Ken

    FWIW, I used to live next door to The Menottes.

    But never The AnalPlugs. Sadly.

  3. haha I too had to look up FWIW. I find that my excessive use of lols and winky faces are about all I can handle. FYI.

    Onto this post…can I just say that I LOVE the french word for condom. Condom means nothing to me. But preservatif…that means…

    Preserve yourself from future minions
    Preserve your sanity from being attached to the hot functionally retarded dude you are about to bone
    Also it just makes me think of preserves…like fresh preserves to go on your baguette…and then I’m like mmm jam and who doesn’t like jam.
    Also ya know preserve your health from all kinds of icky things but thats not as funny as the stuff I just listed.

  4. “vibro Jack the Rabbit” doesn’t sound like a good time, considering I use the term “Jackrabbit-ing” to describe a guy who just pounds away with no thought or finesse. “Point G” also made me giggle!

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