The other night I caught a glimpse of some of the most entertaining dance moves I’ve seen in a long time. Now, keeping in mind that my own dancing skills are questionable at best, the fact that I can criticize anyone else’s dancing must mean that his/her moves must truly be trainwreckerous.
I wish that I had the skills to create some kind of video demonstration of what I saw that night. But alas, we will all just have to live in hope that my attempt at written description will suffice. (It won’t. But it’s not like we have a choice here.)
Picture this combination of all the following dance moves, performed simultaneously… BY ONE GUY…
- Index finger dancing : You all know what this is. This is when you stick your index fingers out, point up to the ceiling, and pump your arms up and down like pistons, as if pointing upwards actually serves as a locomotive force for your existence.
- The twist : Yes. The 1960s dance craze. You know what I’m talking about. We’ve all seen those movies.
- The foux da fa fa dance à la Flight of the Conchords : Now, for this one, I actually do have video evidence, at the end of the video below. (But if you haven’t seen the whole 3 minute episode, this is a must-see. It. Is. Hilarity. CUBED.)
- The hunchback : This is the time-honored awkward dancing position in which someone hunches his/her back over while performing all other dance moves in his/her repertoire. My guess is that Sir Dance-a-lot thought that hunching would increase his overall cool-ness.
Now… picture all these dance moves being performed by a man wearing the following:
- denim shirt doubling as a jacket
- denim-colored walking shorts
- red and yellow loafers… without socks
- bottom-lip-biting dance expression
Here’s the thing, as a not-so-great dancer myself, I am all for pulling out the jokey dance moves and embracing my lack of skills. I’ve contorted my body in any number of embarrassing ways at the club.
But the whole game changes when you take yourself seriously.
Sir Dance-a-lot really seemed to think that he was breaking out some truly swoonworthy gyrations on the dance floor as he attempted to make eyes at all the ladies in the room.
I’m sorry, but I just can’t help but be a judgmental cow here. When I saw this guy, all I could think was:
With moves like that, there is no possible way that this man could be any good in the boudoir.
NO POSSIBLE WAY.
Any perceptive woman would likely NEXT this guy before he could open his mouth. My guess is that he would never stand a chance with any woman with blood alcohol content below 0.39, which, according to wikipedia, means that she is experiencing symptoms such as “loss of understanding”, “impaired sensations”, “stupor”, “unconsciousness” and “possible death”.
That is all I have to say.