Ms. Umbrella Warrior Princess

For those of you who haven’t heard, the eastern coast of the U.S. was recently bombarded by Hurricane Irene.  The reason I bring this up is because the torrential rains have forced us to break out our wellies and umbrellas.  From my experiences in Paris, I’ve found that the umbrella can be an essential man-shopping tool for avid man-shoppers of all levels.  Think of it this way: The umbrella is a fashion accessory AND a weapon.

When I say “umbrella”, I am not referring to those dinky foldable umbrellas that slide into a lady’s handbag.  I am referring to a proper brolly with a hooked wooden handle and a large enough wingspan to encompass both a lady and all her handbags underneath in order to protect them from the elements.  In my humble opinion, this is the only kind of umbrella worth owning.

Moving on, let’s discuss how an umbrella can enhance your man-shopping experience in Paris and elsewhere.

The umbrella as a fashion accessory

  • A lady can strike quite a debonair pose while leaning on a full-sized umbrella.  I’d like to think that a worthy man would be attracted to a lady in a trench who carries a striking cane-like accessory.
  • From a practical point of view, I find it much more difficult to lose or mislay an umbrella if I can hook it on my arm or lean upon it whilst in conversation with and perhaps getting distracted by potential suitors.
  • For those blustery rainy days, maintaining dignity is difficult if one is constantly wrestling with an uncooperative foldable umbrella that turns inside-out and breaks at the slightest gust.  Without one’s dignity intact, there’s no decent man-shopping to be done, I assure you.

The umbrella as a weapon

  • In Paris, the men can be (physically) aggressive ass-wipes.  In the states, you may get cat calls and appreciative under-the-breath comments, but in Paris, you will need to beat these idiots off with a stick — namely, your umbrella stick.  With a large umbrella, a lady can do some effective damage to an unwanted suitor, should she need to make her lack of interest clearer when he attempts to grab her in the street.
  • If a lady sees a worthy man-target in her midst, but her path across the room is blocked by passers-by and less desirable suitors, she can more easily part the crowd by rapping people in the shins with her handy cane-like umbrella.
  • If a lady needs to run away from unwanted attention on a rainy day and is faced with a narrow parisian sidewalk filled with clueless people, she can easily hog the sidewalk to make a quick getaway, as other pedestrians with less hearty umbrellas would easily be intimidated and back away from the superior rain accessory in order to avoid injury.

In conclusion…

I highly recommend big umbrellas to supplement your daily man-shopping operations.

They.

Are.

AWESOME.

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6 Comments

Filed under Misses

6 responses to “Ms. Umbrella Warrior Princess

  1. Hooray! So glad you’re back. Was afraid the public man-shopping was going to end now that you’re on this side of the pond.

    Although I’ve been tempted to bludgeon an unwanted suitor or two with my umbrella – sadly, a rather small and piddly one – I’ve never thought of the rapping of the shins or hogging the sidewalk potential of a large and very well made umbrella.

    Seems I’m going to have to up my umbrella game to maximize my man dodging and catching potential.

    • Thanks, Skye! I, too, am thrilled to be back. The show must go on.

      I used to have a small piddly umbrella until shortly before my departure from Paris, thanks to a gift from my lovely Dutch ex-flatmate. That reminds me, I need to write her in order to thank her for changing my life.

      I wholeheartedly support maximizing your man dodging and catching potential with the addition of new umbrellas to your arsenal! I think it’s all about building and maintaining a formidable arsenal.

  2. Umbrellas are equally handy in whacking away tourists on your morning walk to work.

  3. Hmm. I’ve never owned an umbrella with a wooden hooked handle. When I was a kid I had one with a plastic hooked handle – it was clear with ladybugs on the chute part. Alas, I have a wimpy porta-brella (is that like a portabello mushroom?). But then, I live in LA, so I only really need it like three times a year. Perhaps I’ll give this fashion accessory/weapon a whirl and be all the rage here in Cali.

    Glad you’re back!

    • Hahaha Portabrella… I like that. You don’t really need a brolly in LA, so umbrella-weapons may not be a worthwhile investment for you, and I bet you rock the portabrella anyway!

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