“I’m a woman, Mary. I can be as contrary as I choose.”
~ Dowager Countess of Grantham, played by the illustrious Maggie Smith
I actually don’t believe in dealbreakers. This may surprise you, since I can be pretty brutal on this blog, but, let’s face it, in reality, when I truly fancy someone, he can do no wrong. He could sleep in a bunny suit and worship a clay statue of a muppet as the one true god, and it’s highly likely that I’d find it endearing if I like the guy enough.
What can I say? I’m a big softy at heart.
However, that being said, if I DON’T fancy the poor hapless thing, there’s no saving him from my ridicule and scorn.
And unfortunately for you unlucky many, whom I don’t fancy in the least, there are is a long list of things that would preclude you from seeing me naked — no matter how much alcohol you pour into me.
This list includes but is not limited to the following:
- Class ring – This is speaks to a unique form of bro-douchery. Just… don’t.
- Puka shell necklace – Do I really need to explain this one?
- Big diamondy balls of bling in the ears – This is a girl’s domain. Back the eff off.
- Longer nails than me – That’s just icky.
- Higher heels than me – Yes, this has happened to me before. I’d rather not talk about it.
- Baggy trousers – See one of my older blog posts, Mr. Rectangles.
- He tells me that I’m fat – You’d be surprised how often this happens.
- Matching tracksuit – This is doubly repulsive if the tracksuit is white. (Yes, Joey, I’m talking to YOU.)
- Gold chain necklaces – I shudder at the thought.
- Flat-bill baseball caps – I’m a bit of a baseball cap snob. I once dated a guy just because I liked his perfectly worn, fitted baseball cap. I never let him take it off. Ever.
- The deep V-neck – Call me old-fashioned, but I find it more than a little disconcerting when a man sports more cleavage and a more plunging neckline than myself. My barely-there-boobies really take it personally.
A significant portion of my dealbreakers consists of items related to man-jewelry. I can safely say that I am generally opposed to almost all forms of man-jewelry. Accessorize cautiously, lads. Very very cautiously.
Merci buckets to Julia, who is the inspiration for this post/rant. She is a phenomenal lady who manages to bring all the boys to the yard while dressed in a fabulous shiny flame-retardant lizard suit, and I admire her greatly.