If you keep up with my blog, you will recall that I have recently ventured into the self-help section in order to attempt to understand the French dating psyche. This will be the first of many book reports about the topics covered in the book. What do I have in store for you? Brace yourself for a series of bitchy analyses, anthropological musings, and irreverent generalizations.
Just a warning, this book isn’t organized at all. I’m just going to blog about the topics as they occur in the book, which has arranged them in no particular order. There are no chapter titles; it’s like stream-of-consciousness self-help from the brilliant minds of Aude and Leslie.
I’m already annoyed.
Damn you, Aude and Leslie.
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The first topic of the book is a series of responses to the question: “Where would I begin to pull myself back on track?”
First of all, this obviously implies that ‘being single’ means that, as a woman, I am horribly OFF track.
Toto, we are not in Kansas anymore.
American positive thinking? What is that? We are in France. Being single is apparently a deplorable situation for a woman, and Aude and Leslie think that they are put on this earth to get me “back on track” by starting with the following two steps:
- Make yourself beautiful from A to Z.
- Lose however much weight you need to in order to feel secure.
Seriously. I can’t make this stuff up. I am sitting here at a Parisian cafe reading a neon pink book that is telling me that the first step to finding a man can be boiled down to those two things.
But wait for it… it gets better…
Under Step 1, Aude and Leslie tell us the following things:
- “This is not a question of ‘inner beauty'”
I see… Inner beauty means shit here. Women must de-uglify as soon as possible. I suppose that the genetically disadvantaged are just… screwed? But perhaps Aude and Leslie will talk about getting our inner beauty in order later in the book…
These French bitches didn’t think to put a table of contents. So now I’m forced to read the whole damn book without skipping any of their gems of wisdom.
- “Taking care of yourself = You feel pretty = You are attractive = You will be successful = YOU WILL FIND THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS”
Ummm… there are some serious gaps in the logic flow-chart here. I believe there are some key steps missing in between “You are attractive” and “You will be successful” and in between “You will be successful” and “YOU WILL FIND THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS.”
Aude, Leslie, stop shouting at me. You are not making sense.
- Check l’Oréal’s website for their how-to videos about applying makeup.
- Go to Sephora for their make-up classes, which apparently cost 45 euros per person.
OK, OK, no need to beat a dead horse to death. Geez, I get it. I am a monster, and I need to put a mask on it ASAP.
Now… Step 2 about losing weight is in and of itself quite an incendiary statement. Why would Aude and Leslie make the assumption that we are single BECAUSE we are overweight?
Oh. I know. Maybe it’s because they’re French? See my earlier blog post for a personal incident in favor of this theory here.
And for those of you who would like to know one of Aude and Leslie’s secrets to losing weight…
- “Keep the following mini-calorie foods on hand at all times: carrot sticks, cherry tomatoes, radishes or (and they add this at the end as if it were some sort of luxury indulgence) a small piece of plain bread.”
Did you notice that I didn’t mention the word ‘exercise’? That’s because Leslie and Aude didn’t.
Anyone who knows me has heard my tirade about how Frenchwomen are stick insects who are so obsessed with being skinny that starve themselves to do it. Exercise has NEVER entered into the equation.
Now Leslie and Aude have just confirmed my suspicions.
At least they were somewhat useful.
So to sum up, according to Aude and Leslie, in order to find a man, I must be thin.
Oh, and I must starve myself to do it.
Because exercising would ruin the flawless makeup that I learned to apply from the experts at l’Oréal and Sephora.
I get the feeling that, were I to meet Leslie and Aude in real life, we would not be friends.