Tag Archives: blonde

Ms. Perv-Magnet

I’ve come to the realization that I am a lucky, lucky lady.  It’s been over four months since I signed up on the adopteunmec dating website, and I have not once experienced any the following undesirable situations, all of which people assure me are common occurrences on the site.

As an online-dater, I have never been

  • sent photographs of his ass;
  • sent photographs of his penis;
  • asked for skype sex;
  • sexted;
  • sent any lewd, inappropriate, or otherwise non-G-rated electronic messages of any kind.

Therefore, I must conclude that there must be something about my profile that deters these fuckers in the first place.

So for the past month, I have been conducting side experiments to answer this question: what will it take to attract pervy internet prowlers?

Thus began Operation Perv-Magnet.

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EXPERIMENT #1

I erased all the text in my profile except “American in Paris”

That means that the man-products don’t know that I work in academia, they don’t know that I like crosswords, and they don’t know that I am looking for someone with “intelligence, humor, ambition, and sincerity.”

RESULT:

The traffic on my profile increased five-fold.  I received three times as many charms per day as I did before.  I saw an increase in the number of emotional and pathetic messages.

Overall, an interesting result, but no pervy messages or pictures as I had hoped.

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EXPERIMENT #2

I slutted it up

I kept the rest of my profile blank, but I filled out the questionnaire section about my sexual preferences — everything from my favorite type of panties to my sexual position of choice.  I was very methodical; I just ticked every single box.

I actually checked so many items that the system refused to acknowledge all of them and kept dropping a bunch of them from my profile.  It was some sort of system bug, and I gave up trying to resolve the issue.

Needless to say, I learned some choice vocabulary from all this…

RESULT:

My profile traffic doubled.  No surprise there.

But the most entertaining outcome of this experience: so many messages that I received included some variation of: “I was attracted to you after reading your profile.”

However, still no perviness!

After all the work I put into sluttifying my profile, this was disappointing, to say the least.

n.b.  Scroll down to the end of this post for the French-English vocabulary breakdown… in case you’re curious or in case you actually need to know.

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EXPERIMENT #3

I went blonde

After the failure of Experiments #1 and #2, I had to pull out all the stops.

I changed my primary profile picture to one in which I was dressed as Marilyn Monroe for Halloween.

In other words, this Asianista went trashtastically platinum.

After many drinks, this also doubled as my Tila Tequila costume... And no, I won't post that picture here.

RESULT:

My blonde profile picture only lasted 24 hours before it was taken down by adopteunmec’s site administration.  Apparently, my photo was flagged for one or more of the following reasons:

  • “it does not look like me compared to my other photos”
  • “it is not an accurate representation”
  • “it contains provocative material”

I was miffed.  But highly amused at the same time.  Provocative?  Who, me?  Or that blonde tart in the photo?

Although Experiment #3 was cut short because some asswad reported me to the authorities, I was at least able to gather some data during the 24 hours that my blonde profile was active.

My profile traffic definitely saw a significant boost, and I did receive quite a number of messages in which the man-products extolled my lovely “hair.”

Men do love blondes.

However, I did not achieve the intended goal of attracting internet riffraff.  Operation Perv-Magnet failed yet again.

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CONCLUSION

Short of begging for pervy pictures in my profile, I did my best to bring out the pervs.  Therefore I must conclude that I may inherently be a perv-deterrent — regardless of whatever my profile says or looks like.

I know that this is a good thing.

So why am I a little disappointed?

Because I am a bored singleton with a twisted sense of humor.

Oh well.  On to the next… non-perv…

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Sexcabulary à la française

boules de geisha [f.] – geisha balls obviously, but also known Ben Wa balls… if you don’t know what these are, here’s a link to a tame wikipedia article

chantilly [f.] –  whipped cream (yum… lactose intolerance, bite me.)

chocolat [m.] – (m.) come on, we’ve all seen that Johnny Depp movie

cordes [f.] – rope

cravache [f.] – whip

foulards [m.] – scarves

fruits et légumes [m.] – fruits and veg (still can’t believe that I ticked that box)

gode [m.] – dildo (the word is ugly regardless of language)

huiles de massage [f.] – massage oils

lingerie [f.] – seriously, virgins and pre-pubescents, stop reading my blog

menottes [f.] – handcuffs

petites culottes en dentelle [f.] – skimpy, lacy panties

sous-vêtements coquins [m.] – racy underwear

soutien gorge [m.] – bra

string en dentelle [m.] – lacy thong

vibro [m.] – vibrator (actually learnt this word ages ago after an embarrassing mistake with the mobile phone guy at Orange)

side note: It’s interesting to see which items are masculine and which are feminine…  Also, dear francophone readers, let me know if I got anything wrong.

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