After the Ted Bundy Bumble Debacle, I did eventually get around to setting up and creating a profile for Bumble. Well, actually, my friend got drunk and did it for me.
I thought he did an excellent job. He left out all the crazy repellent bits about me and only put in the good bits. In other words, he put up some pictures and decided not to include a written profile at all. Brilliant.
I just handed him my phone, refilled his glass of bubbly, and lounged on his couch while he did all the work for me. I would like to say that I trusted him completely to represent my interests in the online dating world, but it would be more accurate to say that I was just too damn lazy to care that much about what he did on my behalf. So, within a few minutes, I had a dating profile, and from all the giggling and exclaiming happening on that side of the room, my friend was having a great time swiping left and right for me.
Since I couldn’t see what he was doing, I could only judge the quality of the candidates based on his running verbal commentary:
“Oh YES, honey.”
“This one has gay eyes.”
“Can I have this one?”
Eventually, after a couple of hours of this, I did have to go home and feed my dogs, so after he had his fun for a bit, I reclaimed my phone and told him that I would review his matches from the cozy confines of my own couch later that evening. I have to admit, I was actually looking forward to seeing who was in my queue, and I began to brainstorm the sorts of things I could say to break the ice with all my potential handsome, gay-bestie-approved suitors. With my two canine sidekicks curled up beside me, I opened up my Bumble app…
…to an empty match queue.
This is going to much harder than I initially thought.