Tag Archives: online dating

Ms. Bumble

After the Ted Bundy Bumble Debacle, I did eventually get around to setting up and creating a profile for Bumble. Well, actually, my friend got drunk and did it for me.

I thought he did an excellent job. He left out all the crazy repellent bits about me and only put in the good bits. In other words, he put up some pictures and decided not to include a written profile at all. Brilliant.

I just handed him my phone, refilled his glass of bubbly, and lounged on his couch while he did all the work for me. I would like to say that I trusted him completely to represent my interests in the online dating world, but it would be more accurate to say that I was just too damn lazy to care that much about what he did on my behalf. So, within a few minutes, I had a dating profile, and from all the giggling and exclaiming happening on that side of the room, my friend was having a great time swiping left and right for me.

Since I couldn’t see what he was doing, I could only judge the quality of the candidates based on his running verbal commentary:

“Oh NO.”

“Oh nonononononono.”

“Oh YES, honey.”



“This one has gay eyes.”

“Can I have this one?”


Eventually, after a couple of hours of this, I did have to go home and feed my dogs, so after he had his fun for a bit, I reclaimed my phone and told him that I would review his matches from the cozy confines of my own couch later that evening. I have to admit, I was actually looking forward to seeing who was in my queue, and I began to brainstorm the sorts of things I could say to break the ice with all my potential handsome, gay-bestie-approved suitors. With my two canine sidekicks curled up beside me, I opened up my Bumble app…

…to an empty match queue.


This is going to much harder than I initially thought.

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Filed under dating, Misses

Mr. Comment Courtship

Around this time last year, one of my readers took it upon himself to ask me out… in the comments section of my blog posts.  Since this strange courtship (fueled by other players like Wandering Menace and Zia Zitella) was conducted on a public forum, I have no qualms about reproducing it here in slightly abridged form for your viewing pleasure.  I will save my brief comments for the end of this post.  I’d like you, dear readers, to judge the situation for yourself.

In other words, I’d like you to agree with me that this approach is NOT the way to charm a lady of discerning taste via the internet.

16 March 2010


I’d ask you out but women don’t date guys without money!


Not all us women are after the money tree, you should give us a shot!  I try to give every guy a chance to prove himself to be a cool dude… maybe that’s how I end up on dates with crazy people…


I didn’t say women were only after guys who had lots of money — I said women didn’t want guys who had no money.  Trust me, I’m an equal opportunity guy.  Anyway, it’s not only that but it is a major part of what women look for — and even if they won’t admit it — it does affect how they feel about a guy.  (Obviously, not ALL women — there are the RARE exceptions — I just haven’t met any of them! 😉

Care to talk more about the subject over a drink?  (I’ll be nice — I wouldn’t want to have anything bad said about me on your blog.)

Wandering Menace

I am attending a function in which I will read my Bob/Robert post to a Parisian audience.  The function is hosted by the man who just asked you out.

I suggest-nay, request you come with me to the reading.


I would love to have a drink with you.  Since I have agreed to go to the spoken word event on Monday with wanderingmenace, the only question at this point is whether I will have a drink with you before or after this Monday event.  If we grab a drink before Monday, that drink will determine whether or not we will be speaking during the spoken word event.  If you prefer to have the drink after Monday, that drink will, obviously, be contingent upon our interaction at the spoken word event.

And who says women can’t be rational? 🙂

17 March 2010


Whatever you want.  I suspect you would rather be safe and meet at SWIP.  See you there.

Met a gal on the internet

Rendezvous is now all set

Meeting will make us sweat

Nothing bad will happen I bet

Can leave at home her safety net 😉


See you Monday, poet man.  I’ll be the token Asian who rolls up with your favorite blonde booger blogger.

18 March 2010

Zia Zitella

So when is/was this date with the poet?  I need results!


I’m chillin’ — she’s taking her sweet time.

I’m afraid that you might be disappointed if you’re looking goofy/wild stories.  I’m pretty normal.  (Well, unless she’s nutty….)

Geez, women are sooo impatient. 😀

Looking for wild stories that shall

Make her laugh as a grand mall

May be disappointed royal

So calm down and smoke a Doral.

Excuse me while I go and clean wax out of my auditory canal….

23 March 2010


Caught in a forever cycle of crazy men, rotating in an endless whirlpool of the big avoidance of anything approaching normality in the testosterone half of the human race, perpetually captured, living in a world of the feminine only.  Given a chance to touch a bit of the normal, it’s slipping between her fingers, falling to the ground to be left behind, continuing on her quest for the strange for people’s amusement.  Laughs shall continue to abound for her virtual audience.

[Since they did not show up, this is not a true reflection of our protagonist.  Oh yeah, I normally don’t write this well.  If I did, I’d be famous and wouldn’t’ be trolling websites about women’s dating experiences!]

28 March 2010


The month’s still not over.  See you tomorrow?

29 March 2010


Not tonight, sorry.  My schedule is pretty messy these days…


Look at her response to me above.

That’s the third time I’ve made gentle requests and 3 times it’s been nothing.  I’m not aggressive/overly assertive so for me, that’s enough of a message for me.  I ain’t asking again.

I’m pretty sure that this comes from gals looking for the proverbial knight in shining armor (i.e. Armani-dressed in a white Ferrari) sweeping them off their feet.  (Thanks to Hollywood.)  Or that magical love-at-first sight thing.  It’s beginning to dawn on me that these overly aggressive guys are rewarded for their persistence — if only a little bit but that’s what they thrive on.  Maybe not individually, but as a collective whole I think that these women are at least, partially responsible — and it’s a shame because these a-holes make it so much harder for the nice guys.

30 March


My schedule really is a disaster; I have a hard enough time scheduling in my good friends.  But that’s beside the point because I doubt that we will ever meet now.

And I’d have to disagree with you by saying that “these women” like me don’t reward the persistence of assholes.  Rather, we reward the effort of gentlemen who at least try to be charming and don’t ask us out on public forums where Wandering Menaces can publicly strong-arm us into saying yes.  Seriously, it’s like that dude who proposes on national television.  But at least that guy was already dating her and reasonably sure that she’d say yes.

31 March 2010


I did believe you when you said you were busy.  But in the past, I have always interpreted that as a “no” — whether that was wrong or right.

When I said “these women” I was not talking about any of the women on this blog.  I’m sure that you’re all fine, beautiful, intelligent, sweet, hard-working people.

On the internet a little misunderstanding

Sometimes can make for a hard landing

I wish you all the best

On your man-shopping quest.



To recap:

  1. His segue to asking me out was a somewhat bitter generalization about the shallow nature of women.
  2. Two words: rhyming poetry.
  3. He only has a tenuous grasp of what constitutes eloquence (e.g. “rotating in an endless whirlpool of the big avoidance of anything approaching normality in the testosterone half of the human race, perpetually captured, living in a world of the feminine only…”  I mean, WHAT?!)
  4. Upon being “rejected,” he thought that this must have been due to an obsession with finding my Armani-clad knight in a white Ferrari.  Yes, because, clearly, he must know me intimately through our interaction in my blog comments.
  5. On the bright side, at least he could spell.

I would also like to add that, according to my records, at no point did he send me an email telling me about himself or interact with me anywhere except in blog comments.

In conclusion, I present an homage to charmercis of the world:

Don’t be an ass-clown.

Quit wearing me down.

Don’t make me frown.

Get me out of this town.


Filed under Misters

Mr. Normal

Bueller?…  Bueller?… Bueller?


Filed under Misters

Ms. Unsatisfied Customer

So it’s been slow on the online dating front for the past couple of weeks.  Why, you ask?  The answer is simple.  The man-products been consistently of inferior quality.

Here are the kind of man-products that I’ve been turning down lately…

the young and the restless

I don’t date 20-year-olds when they spend more time on their hair than I do on mine.  It’s kind of      <— unacceptable.

I also don’t date 20-year-olds when they profess to weigh 55 kilos and look like a 12-year-old Pee —>     Wee Herman.

And I don’t date 20-year-olds who admit to loving banana cocktails (gag) and show off their bloody wedding ring in their profile pictures!

<— Seriously?  Moron.

And how the hell is HE married already??  He’s barely finished puberty.

In short, I don’t date 20-year-olds.

the crybabies

These guys were hot.  HOT, I tell you!

But damn, were they stupid.

It turns out that when I don’t check my email every 5 seconds and respond immediately, they turn into diva-crybaby extraordinaires.

Let’s take a look at Exhibit A.  Brazilian guy with gorgeous green eyes BUT…

sent at 10:37:23

sent at 10:37:57

sent at 10:38:05

Manly, no?

If you thought that was bad, I was having vivid fantasies about this Colombian casanova until THIS happened…  Hello, Exhibit B:

sent at 14:05:55

sent at 14:33:02

(and for the record, if bad spelling in English isn’t bad enough, it’s even worse when their spelling in French makes me cringe.  It’s “bisous,” dammit.  Spell it correctly, fool!)

the deal-breaker

I saved him for last because he is the reason why I’ve decided to set aside online dating for a few days.

This picture to the right was accompanied by a message that said, “I just wanted to show you my large appetite for Asian food.  Imagine what that means for you.”


That’s not creepy at all.

in conclusion…

Therefore, there is a temporary moratorium on man-products from adopteunmec.com.  Maybe next week will bring in a new shipment of more eligible men.

Emphasis on the “men” bit.

Well, I do have two appointments at the Apple Store coming up, which means that I can’t wait to go prowling for a boyfriend there!



Filed under Misses

Mr. Incompetent

This is basically a real-life tutorial for how NOT to ask a girl out.  Seriously, guys, don’t ever do this.  If you do, this Man-shopper will don her Dating Crusader cape and pink lycra bodysuit, come find you, and bitch-slap you until you get it right.

Mr. Incompetent:  “So we should grab a drink sometime.”

Me:  “Sure, that sounds good.”

Mr. Incompetent:  “We can go any time you want.”

Me:  “Uhhh, next week maybe?”

Mr. Incompetent:  “Yeah, sure.”

<a long pause as I wait for him to start putting in some real effort…>

Me:  “Ummm ok, how about Wednesday?”

Mr. Incompetent:  “OK.”

<another long pause while I contemplate how to achieve world peace…>

Me:  “OK.  Well.  I finish work at seven, so I leave it up to you to choose time and place.”

Mr. Incompetent:  “No problem, pretty girl.”


Mr. Incompetent:  “So where would you like to go?”

What a twit.

There was only positive thing that came out of this train-wreck of a conversation. While he was scrambling around looking for his balls, I managed to work out all the world’s problems in my head.

Go ahead.  Ask me anything.



Filed under Misters